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The Jokes Thread - Relaunched


Farin
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:crazy: made me laugh too.....

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.

The job was only so-so anyhow.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

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A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

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I just found the site www.bash.org with quotes from chats around the net... like this one...

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me

GarbageStan23: why?

Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.

Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!

GarbageStan23: oh sh*t!

Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever

Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....

Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

or this one:

<@David> Yay I get laid today! Been a month.... needing it by now

<@Sony> ...........

<@Sony> TMI TMI TMI

<@David> Only a few hundred pounds but its better than nothing

Thanks for the info

<@David> eh?

<@David> damn i meant PAID

<@David> I get PAID today

<@David> dammit

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True story. When I first started exploring the internet, I was writing a book of poetry and wanted to share some of my newer writing for feedback from my target demographic of women 35+. I would be in various chat areas and try to strike up conversations with different women, before asking if my chatmate would review a poem. At the start of these chats it seemed to go pretty well, but invariably the other person would type to me, "ASL." That would always discourage me and I would immediately close the chat and move on. After this happened for weeks, I finally asked a lady what "ASL" meant, already dreading the answer, because I was so sure I knew. She informed me it was a question of what was my "Age, Sex and Location?" I laughed so much at that revelation! I thought all this time the women had, with an internet abbreviated word, been cussing me out!

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I just found the site www.bash.org with quotes from chats around the net... like this one...

Funny stuff, Martin. Thanks for the reference. I liked this one:

my favorite people to talk to on the phone are those

that are self-absorbed enough that all I have to do

is say "yup" and laugh at appropriate intervals.

it's only annoying when I don't know how to detach.

I should write a program that will say "yup" and

laugh for me.

of course, I can't tell anyone this.

yup!

hahahah

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my brother and some of my friends are viola players - they make the viola jokes more than anyone!

What's the definition of a minor second?

Two violists playing in unison.

Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?

It saves time.

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Apologies if this is a re-post but I'm sure the songfacts men can do with a refresher!!

9 things women say:

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

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Drummer jokes are the best:

How can you tell when a drummer is at the door?

The knocking speeds up.

What do you call someone who hangs around musicians?

A drummer.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer 1: None. They have machines for that now.

Answer 2: Four. One to change it and three to say how Neil Peart would've done it better.

What do coffee and Ginger Baker have in common?

They both suck without Cream.

What's the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?

One will mature and make money.

How do you get a drummer to leave?

Pay him for the pizza.

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In the interest of fairness:

Q: What do vacuum cleaners and electric guitars have in common ?

A: When you plug them in, they both suck.

Q: How do you get a guitarist to play more quietly ?

A: Give him a sheet of music.

Q: If you drop an electric guitar player and a watermelon off a tall building, which would hit the ground first ?

A: Who cares ?

Q: What's the difference between a lead guitarist and the PLO ?

A: You can negotiate with the PLO.

Q: How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb ?

A: He holds it and the world revolves around him.

Q: Why is an electric guitar like a SCUD missile ?

A: Each is offensive and inaccurate.

Q: What's the difference between an electric guitar and an onion ?

A: No one cries when you cut up an electric guitar.

Q: How do you get 2 electric guitar players to play in perfect unison ?

A: Shoot one of them.

Q: What do you call in "in-tune electric guitar"?

A: An oxymoron.

Q: What's the difference between a musician and a pizza ?

A: A pizza can feed a family of four.

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