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The Jokes Thread - Relaunched


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A cop calls in to report a shooting on his radio:   " It appears that an elderly woman shot her husband because he walked across the floor she just mopped" Captain: "Well did you arrest her?"  Cop: "N

"No one is happy to execute this order," the source said. "Unfortunately, so long as the show is under siege by a constant stream of potential bum-rushers, there seems to be no end in sight for this conflict. We may have too much posse, but we still require the critical support of the S1Ws. Yeeeeaaaaaah, boyyyyyyy!"

Sister Souljah could not be reached for comment.

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing:
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>

> Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

>

> 8:00 am: Dog food! My favorite thing!

>

> 9:30 am : A car ride! My favorite thing!

>

> 9:40 am: Walk in the park! My favorite thing!

>

> 10:30 am : Got rubbed and petted! My favorite

> thing!

>

> 12:00 pm: Lunch! My favorite thing!

>

> 1:00 pm: Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

>

> 3:00 pm : Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

>

> 5:00 pm: Milk bones! My favorite thing!

>

> 7:00 pm : Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

>

> 8:00 pm : Wow! Watched TV with my master! My

> favorite thing!

>

> 11:00 pm: Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

>

>

>

> Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

>

> Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to

> taunt me with bizarre

> dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,

> while the other

> inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry

> nuggets.

> Although I make my contempt for the rations

> perfectly clear, I

> nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up

> my strength. The

> only thing that keeps me going is my dream of

> escape.. In an attempt to

> disgust them, I once again vomited on the floor.

>

> Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its

> headless body at their

> feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their

> hearts, since it

> clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However,

> they merely made

> patronizing comments bout what a "good little

> hunter" I am.

>

> The audacity! There was some sort of assembly with

> their accomplices

> tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for

> the duration of the

> event. However, I could hear the noises and smell

> the food. I overheard

> that my confinement was due to the power of

> "allergies." I must learn

> what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

>

> Today I was almost successful in an attempt to

> assassinate one of my

> tormentors by crawling around his feet as he was

> walking. I must try

> this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the

> stairs.

>

> I am convinced that the other prisoners here are

> grovelers and

> snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is

> regularly

> released-- and seems to be more than willing to

> return. He is obviously

> retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I

> observe him

> communicating with the guards regularly. I am

> certain that he reports

> my every move. The captors have arranged protective

> custody for him in

> an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now...

>

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:laughing: :laughing:

But now you know different , Edna ! That's great suff- made my day . My wife also like to claim that she is a cat - but that is a story best left unsaid ... :) :laughing: :help:

Edna - she WOULD kill and eat you gladly - without a second thought - if her little cat brain could just come up with a plan ! :) Get a chimpanzee ... a lot less trouble - but they are bloody messy ! Wait - you already have two males in the house , eh ? Hmmm . ;)

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" Did you hear that Prince Harry , 3rd in line to the Britsh throne, is going to Iraq ? Seems he is going to join a tank battallion and help to pacify Basra . ( polite clapping and cheers ) ... Now , however , it seems the Bush twins are also planning on getting tanked , and are presently formulating plans to invade Margaritaville ! "

- Bill Maher

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Dear Abby -

I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Army, and I have a second

cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi hate literature

to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30

years for raping most of his patients while they were under

anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself

and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket

Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known

street walkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most

beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and

we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To

support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake

Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to

bringing our kids into the family business. But -- I am worried that

my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a

chance to meet them.

In your opinion, Abby: Should I -- or shouldn't I -- let her know

about my second cousin who works for Microsoft?

Regards,

Troubled

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  • 2 weeks later...

Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell:

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking"

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical

Testing Laboratory.

When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the

lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we

are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are

either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for

Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell

which your husband's is."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?"

questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for

these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your

husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way

home, don't sleep with him."

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