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The Jokes Thread - Relaunched


Farin
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*NEW WORDS FOR 2007 ** **:*

* Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!*

(Now why didn't we have these words when I was still working?)

1. *BLAMESTORMING **

*Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or

a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. *SEAGULL MANAGER : *A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of

noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. *ASSMOSIS : *The process by which some people seem to absorb

success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than

working hard

4. *SALMON DAY : *The experience of spending an entire day swimming

upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. *CUBE FARM : *An office filled with cubicles.

6. *PRAIRIE DOGGING : *When someone yells or drops something loudly

in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see

what's going on.

7. *MOUSE POTATO : *The on-line, wired generation's answer to the

couch potato.

8. *SITCOMs : *Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops

working to stay home with the kids.

9. *STRESS PUPPY : *A person who seems to thrive on being stressed

out and whiny.

10. *SWIPEOUT : *An ATM or credit card that has been rendered

useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. *XEROX SUBSIDY : *Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from

one's workplace.

12. *IRRITAINMENT : *Entertainment and media spectacles that are

annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. *PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : *The fine art of whacking the crap out

of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. *ADMINISPHERE : *The rarefied organizational layers beginning

just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the

adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the

problems they were designed to solve.

15. *404 : *Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error

Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not

be located.

16. *GENERICA : *Features of the American landscape that are exactly

the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip

malls, and subdivisions.

17. *OHNOSECOND : *That minuscule fraction of time in which you

realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting

send on an email by mistake).

18. *WOOFS : *Well-Off Older Folks.

*19. _CROP DUSTING _: *Surreptitiously passing gas while passing

through a Cube Farm.

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1. *BLAMESTORMING **

*Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. *SEAGULL MANAGER : *A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. *ASSMOSIS : *The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard

8. *SITCOMs : *Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

12. *IRRITAINMENT : *Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

15. *404 : *Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could notbe located.

I love these ones!!! :laughing: :laughing:

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NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you

of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they

moved out.

ST. MOMMA'S WORT

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers

unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before

an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and

prevents conception.

DUMBEROL

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in

enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the

urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN

Potent ant i-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such

lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases

potency,duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,

anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to

share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT

When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same

irritation level as nagging him.

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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you", the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

:afro: :afro: :afro: :jester:

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Actual Radio Conversation

This was a conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in late 1995.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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That just about sums up our relationship ; an abusive husband who never listens but is unwilling to let us go completely ( a la Bill and Hillary ) . We should sue for divorce and try to get 1/2 of what they have - including the White House - though we did burn it down once ( 1814 : and that may be held against us in court ) ! :laughing: :angel:

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