blind-fitter Posted February 1, 2008 Report Share Posted February 1, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phil Posted February 1, 2008 Report Share Posted February 1, 2008 Jenny!! Drown The Frogs would be a good name for a band. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Baloni Posted February 1, 2008 Report Share Posted February 1, 2008 Anybody ever hear of the Aristocrats Joke?? Oh and, blind-fitter, what's your signature from?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blind-fitter Posted February 1, 2008 Report Share Posted February 1, 2008 "Man's gotta hate someone...And when I'm through with myself, I start on you". It's a Steve Albini quote. It may have featured in a Big Black lyric, or on a sleeve-note; for the moment, the exact source escapes me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted February 1, 2008 Report Share Posted February 1, 2008 (edited) The Husband Store A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . . you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. . On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh mercy me" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day! Edited February 1, 2008 by Guest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayzor Posted February 2, 2008 Report Share Posted February 2, 2008 ^^ ^^ too true!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted February 2, 2008 Report Share Posted February 2, 2008 Ray..I'm so glad you're back...you're usually the only that laughs at my jokes.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayzor Posted February 2, 2008 Report Share Posted February 2, 2008 I have to laugh at your jokes, you're the only one who says "Mr. Neil Young :bow:" while others just say neil young as though he were some common rocker! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted February 2, 2008 Report Share Posted February 2, 2008 Oh geeesh, I know.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Viaene Posted February 3, 2008 Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 awesome store Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miamisammy29 Posted February 6, 2008 Report Share Posted February 6, 2008 Cannibal Restaurant A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu... Tourist: $5 Broiled Missionary: $10.00 Fried Explorer: $15.00 Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh*t, it takes all morning." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted February 6, 2008 Report Share Posted February 6, 2008 That's a good one, Sammy. Here's one a friend sent me: Here's something to think about. I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you Think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, Or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said He looked at me and said,.... 'Then, why do you even give a crap Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted February 7, 2008 Report Share Posted February 7, 2008 ^^^^^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted February 7, 2008 Report Share Posted February 7, 2008 Lucky Girl A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? "You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck... get the hell away from me." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farin Posted February 7, 2008 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miamisammy29 Posted February 8, 2008 Report Share Posted February 8, 2008 One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little "tea set" as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room, engrossed in the evening news, when I brought him a little cup of "tea", which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!" My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up. Then she says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted February 9, 2008 Report Share Posted February 9, 2008 Odd Man A man and a woman come rushing into the emergency room. The woman is pregnant and in labor. After 15 hours of painful labor finally out comes a baby boy. The new mother looks to the doctor and says "I would like to name him Odd." The doctor snickers at the name and goes into the hall and tells the nurses. All the nurses laugh at the name aswell. Throughout the boys childhood, Odd gets made fun of, beat up and left out. It wasn't until Odd turned 50 years old that he had finally had enough. He turns to his wife and says "I am sick and tired of everyone making fun of me. When I die I do not want my name on the tomb stone. I want the day I was born and the day I died and that's it." 10 years later the man died and true to his wishes his wife puts on the tombstone the day he was born and the day he died and that's it. But still to this day, people walk past his grave and read the tombstone. They always ask one another "Isn't that odd?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farin Posted February 9, 2008 Author Report Share Posted February 9, 2008 that's a good one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Baloni Posted February 9, 2008 Report Share Posted February 9, 2008 "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phil Posted February 9, 2008 Report Share Posted February 9, 2008 (edited) Some great one's from Rodney Dangerfield. Rodney Dangerfield Jokes -I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price. -I tell you, I’m not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything! -What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me! -Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance. -When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again. -I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over! -What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm! -I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get. -My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless! -My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. -I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west! -My mother had morning sickness after I was born. -My mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. -I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. -One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control. -I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. -When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me. -I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette. -One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! -I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me. -My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. -Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. -A hooker once told me she had a headache. -If it weren’t for pick-pocketers, I’d have no sex life at all. -I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. -I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard! -I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, What’ll you have? I said, Surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife. -My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. -I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie. -And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with! Edited February 9, 2008 by Guest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucky Posted February 9, 2008 Report Share Posted February 9, 2008 Gotta love Rodney! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Joe Posted February 11, 2008 Report Share Posted February 11, 2008 Surprise Ending One Christmas, Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out , but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do' said Bob. 'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' 'She just died and left me everything.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farin Posted February 11, 2008 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Posted February 11, 2008 Report Share Posted February 11, 2008 A baker enters the barber shop for a haircut, after his cut he asks the barber "how much", the barber states "oh, there's no charge, I've got to perform community service." The baker thanks him and leaves, the next morning the barber is entering his shop and he finds a box of fresh donuts on his door step. He smiles and enters his shop. A florist enters the barber shop for a haircut, after his cut he asks the barber "how much", the barber states "oh, there's no charge, I've got to perform community service." The florist thanks him and leaves, the next morning the barber is entering his shop and he finds a fresh bouquet of flowers. He smiles and enters his shop A politician enters the barber shop for a haircut, after his cut he asks the barber "how much", the barber states "oh, there's no charge, I've got to perform community service." The politician thanks him and leaves, the next morning the barber is entering his shop and there is a line of politicians at his door that circles the block. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted February 11, 2008 Report Share Posted February 11, 2008 Chain Gang A guy died and was standing in front of an angel. The angel said "Have you ever done any good deeds?" The guy responded "Yeah, once there was a motorcycle gang harassing an old lady and I jumped in front of them and told them to stop." The angel said "That's great, when was this?" The man said "Oh, it was probably two or three minutes ago." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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