The Jokes Thread - Relaunched

[Mike]

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe in the rain forests of Brazil. Not long after their capture, the chief walked up to them and said, “The bad news is that now that we've caught you we're going to kill you and use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you dieâ€.

The Frenchman said, “I take ze poisonâ€. The chief gave him some poison. The Frenchman said “Vive la France!†and drank the poison down and died.

The Englishman said, “A pistol for me, pleaseâ€. The chief gave him a pistol. The Englishmen pointed it at his head, said “God save the Queen!†and blew his brains out.

The New Yorker said, “Gimme a forkâ€. The chief was puzzled, but he shrugged and gave him a fork. The New Yorker took the fork and started jabbing himself all over: the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There was blood gushing out all over the ground and all over everyone. It was horrible.

The chief was appalled, and screamed, “What are you doing???â€

The New Yorker looked at the chief and said, “So much for your canoe!â€

[_Laurie_]

Croaker

A little girl sat on grandmas lap and asked, "Grandma, can you make a sound like a frog?"

"No, my little angel. Why do you ask?"

"Mommy and Daddy said as soon as you croak we can go to Disneyland."

[Rayzor]

In case of fire: click link below!

FIRE HELP!

What are you doing clicking this? Call 911 and get out of the house you fool!

[Farin]

The Driver after getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), noticed that the Pope was still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," said the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," said the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protested the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope climbed in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floored it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleaded the worried driver, but The Pope kept the pedal to the metal until they heard sirens.

"Oh, my God! I'm gonna lose my license," moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the cop approached. The cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle and got on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatcher.

The Chief got on the radio and the cop told him that he stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, "All The more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger."

“Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

[Lea]

[Levis]

[Steel2Velvet]

The 60's

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred asked, eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if she had the chance!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'It's called the Twist! '

[The Seeker]

[edna]

[miamisammy29]

[MindCrime]

I think the punchline was 'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

[Jenny]

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.

Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell Him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God:

I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,

Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God:

This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said. Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO

[_Laurie_]

^^^^

The Funeral Procession

One day two men are playing a round of golf at a local golf course.

During their game, a rather lengthy funeral procession passes by.

One of them is about to tee off when he notices the funeral procession. He stops, takes off his hat and places it over his heart. He does this until the funeral procession passes by.

His friend, having witnessed this, tells him that was the most remarkable gesture he has ever seen.

His friend looks up from his stance and says..."Well, I was married to her for 20 years its the least I could do".

[Farin]

(to both)

Edited February 26, 2008 by Guest

[edna]

(to both)

[_Laurie_]

CDC Alert

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected ...And WORK is controlling your life.

[Tenacious_Peaches]

[Rayzor]

I've been doing that for the past 5 years!

[Uncle Joe]

Remotely Satisfying

After nearly 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the Mrs. felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

'I found the remote,' he mumbled.

[Jenny]

That's too funny!

[Steel2Velvet]

I just found this topical to SongFacts and very funny!

[TheLizard]

So true.

[_Laurie_]

Steering Wheel

An angry pirate walks into a pub with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.

The bartender looks at him and says, "hey buddy, do you know that you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?"

The pirate looks at him with a mean grin and says" Arrrrrgh!!!...I know and it's driving me nuts!"

[Steel2Velvet]

I love a good pirate joke!

[Farin]

an anecdote about Sidney Morgenbesser, then Professor Emeritus of Philosophy at Columbia University

One day in New York City, Morgenbesser put his pipe in his mouth as he was ascending the subway steps. A policeman approached and told him that there was no smoking on the subway. Morgenbesser pointed out that he was leaving the subway, not entering it, and that he had not yet lit up. The cop repeated his injunction. Morgenbesser repeated his observation. After a few such exchanges, the cop saw he was beaten and fell back on the oldest standby of enfeebled authority: "If I let you do it, I'd have to let everyone do it." To this the old philosopher replied, "Who do you think you are—Kant?" His last word was misconstrued, and the whole question of the Categorical Imperative had to be hashed out down at the police station. Morgenbesser won the argument.