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The Jokes Thread - Relaunched


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A zookeeper, wanting to expand his zoo, wrote to an animal supplier.

"Dear Sir, Please send me two mongooses" Not certain he was correct, he crumpled up the letter and rewrote "Dear Sir, Please send me two mongeese." Still dissatisfied, he wrote anew: "Dear Sir, Please send me one mongoose. While you're at it, send me another."

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A cop calls in to report a shooting on his radio:   " It appears that an elderly woman shot her husband because he walked across the floor she just mopped" Captain: "Well did you arrest her?"  Cop: "N

  • 2 weeks later...

John is sitting in a bar, feeling buzzed & raunchy, spots a well-endowed young woman a few tables from him.

"Show me your boobs!!", he yells.

She stands up and lifts her shirt. The man turns away in disgust. His friend Hank enters a few minutes later and sees the woman.

"Look at the rack on her!" he exclaims.

"I know what you're thinking but don't..." John starts.

"I wanna see the puppies!!" Hank hollers, cutting him off.

Again, she obliges and both men turn away feeling sick.

A gentleman sitting with the woman gets up & walks over to them and asks "Would you quit asking to see her breasts?"

The two men look at the floor in shame. "Sorry, but it's just that..." Hank starts.

"Yes, I know. They're huge and seem like heaven. I nearly threw up the first time, as well."

John, puzzled, says "The first time?"

"Yes," he responds, "She's my wife. Just be glad you don't have to help her shave them."

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Eight-year-old Mohammad had just moved to Ireland and entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," curtly replied the no-nonesense teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Frankie."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is no longer Mohammad. I'm in Ireland now and my name is Frankie."
"What?" she said. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him.
Later, she recalled this activity to his father, who also beat him.
The next day when Mohammad returned to school the teacher saw all of his bruises.
"What happened to you, Frankie?" she asked.
"Well, shortly after becoming Irish I was attacked by two Arabs."

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The Buffalo Theory

 

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this.

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

:thumbsup:

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How I lost my teeth

I was in The Western Bar & Grill last night, sitting at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind me and slapped me on the butt.

She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number."

I looked at her and asked, "Have you got a pen?"

She said excitedly, "I sure do!"

I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing."

My dental surgery is this Friday.

 

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