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The Jokes Thread - Relaunched


Farin
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I received this note from a friend today....

A TRIP TO Costco

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was

starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50

pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally

complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with

my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff

an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

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Answering Machine At The Psych Ward

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline."

"If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly."

"If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you."

"If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4 and 5."

"If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line so we can trace your call."

"If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship."

"If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press."

"If you are manic-depressive , it doesn't matter which number you press, no one cares about you anyway."

"If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969696."

"If you have a nervous disorder, fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line."

"If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name."

"If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s l o w l y & c a r e f u l l y - p r e s s 0 0 0."

"If you have bipolar disorder, leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep."

"If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9."

"If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."

"If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever."

"If you are blonde, please do not press any buttons. You'll just mess something up."

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These were recorded verbatim and published by Court Reporters that had the torment of staying calm and remaining professional while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

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  • 1 month later...

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

The cab driver says, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. One, you have to be single and two, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"Ok," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

He responds, "Forgive me, sister, but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I am Jewish."

The nun says, "That's ok. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

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  • 2 weeks later...

WHAT SHE SAID...

Now that Thanksgiving is over Honey, I want you to watch your

language, fix the windows, pick up your dirty clothes at the

foot of the bed, get the kid's ball off the roof, chop firewood,

fix the kitchen stove, patch the roof, and I want you to tell the

kids to quit playing those darn video games and help you and

I don't want it to take you all day long...

WHAT HE HEARD...

Now that Thanksgiving is over Honey, I want you to watch your

blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

foot blah blah, blah blah blah ball blah blah, blah blah blah,

blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah games blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah blah blah all day long...

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  • 2 weeks later...

How To Gain An Extra Vacation Day (or Two)

I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'crazy', then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (whose blond) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so the Boss might think I was 'crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of Sam Hill are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb. He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blond) followed me, the boss asked her, 'And where do you think you're going?!'

To which she replied:

'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.'

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Busted!

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No,He just walked in."

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Wal-mart announced that sometime in 2011 it will begin offering customers a new discount item...Walmart's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price in the $2 to $5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but"There is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, Professor of Marketing at the University of Arkansas, Bentonville. "However, branding will be very important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brands and varieties.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar

2. Grape Expectations

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

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Abbreviations for Seniors Who Text:

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

ROFL — CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing — Can't Get Up

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

LOL: Living On Lipitor

OMG: Ouch, My Groin!

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

WTF: What's Today's Fish?

IMHMO: In My HMO

RULKM: Are You Leaving the Kids Money?

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

GTG: Gotta Groan

TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four (O'Clock—"Early Bird Special" time)

FWB: Friend With Beta blockers

FYI: For Your Indigestion

JK: Just Kvetching

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

SUS: Speak Up, Sonny

WIWYA: When I Was Your Age

GOML: Get Off My Lawn

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  • 3 weeks later...

Luigi (Father): I want-a you to marry a girl of my choice.

Son: I will choose my own bride!!

Luigi: But the girl is-a Bill Gates' daughter...

Son: Well, in that case...ok.

Next, Luigi approaches Bill Gates

Luigi: I have a husband for your daughter.

Bill Gates: But my daughter is too young to marry.

Luigi: But this-a young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.

Bill Gates: Ah, in that case...ok.

Finally, Luigi goes to see the President of the World Bank

Luigi: I have a young man to be-a recommended as vice-president.

President: But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!

Luigi: But this-a young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.

President: Ah, in that case...ok.

And that, my friends, is how Italians do business.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Back To School

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Rankin, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Frankie, what's your problem?'

Frankie answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Rankin had enough. She took Frankie to the principal's office.

While Frankie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Rankin he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Frankie was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Frankie: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Frankie: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Rankin and tells her, 'I think Frankie can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Rankin says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Frankie both agreed.

Ms. Rankin asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Frankie, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Rankin: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!

Frankie replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Rankin: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Frankie: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Rankin: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Frankie: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Rankin: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Frankie: 'Fire truck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Frankie in the fifth-grade, I got the last five questions wrong.

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Just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota. He said that snow has been falling since early this morning.

It's nearly waist high and is still coming down.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

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  • 1 month later...

A man walks in to a doctors office wearing saran wrap underwear and says "doctor whats wrong with me?" doctor says "well I can clearly see you're nuts"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attatched to his bottom....the bartender says "ummm do you realize you have a steering wheel attached to ya?"....the pirate says "Arrrrrrr I know, and it's driving me nuts".... :D

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  • 1 month later...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, Irishman, Latvian, Turk, Aussie, Yank, Egyptian, Japanese, Mexican, Spaniard, Greek, Russian, Estonian, German, Italian, Pole, Lithuanian, Swede, Finn, Israeli, Romanian, Bulgarian, Serb, Czech, and a Swiss man all walk into a bar. The bartender says...,

"I can't let you in here without a Thai."

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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

Why did the boy drop his ice cream?

Because he was hit by a bus.

What's sad about four black people driving over a cliff?

They were my friends.

Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and therefore are incapable of fear.

What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

Cancer.

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Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot dogs, get your dogs here!", and they both walk toward the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!" says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue, whispers, "What part did you get?"

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A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The

contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it,

and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP! "In the second room she told the

painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote

this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled

"GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said

nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm

rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window,

opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side

up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes

laying sod across the street."

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An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

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