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The Jokes Thread - Relaunched


Farin
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During the turn into the 20th century, a middle-aged maiden worried she might never marry and fulfill her dream of raising a family. In spring, to her surprise, she was invited to the annual cotillion by a stoic old farmer in her town.

The farmer picked her up at the boarding house in his two-horse carriage. Silent with stiff shyness, the two drove to the town hall for the dinner and dance. Though hardly ever making eye contact during the meal, the lady felt a kinship with this man who had successfully ran a thriving farm alone for most of his 50 years. After dessert, he finally spoke after summoning his courage. Boldly taking her smallish hand in his, "I didn't really come here to dance, m'am. Being a man who comes right to the point, I wanted to ask your hand in marriage. You see, I am afeard I will die without younguns to which I may leave the farm. Also I am not so fond of being alone these days." The heartfelt manner in which he spoke and her own similar longings convinced the lady to say "Yes" and they were married a week later.

Driving home from the church, after the ceremony, one of the horses pulling their carriage stumbled in a mud hole along the road. Barely audible, the groom muttered, "That's one." A bit further down the road, the same aging horse stumbled and nearly fell down as it had difficulty navigating a sharp turn in the road. "That's two." the farmer said. After the same horse later reared up at the sight of a snake beside the road nearly upending the carriage, the man retrieved a shotgun from behind the seat, got out, walked up to the horse, said "Three" and shot it dead where it stood. The bride was naturally wildly horrified and as her husband was unbridling the dead horse she shouted, "How could you do such a thing?" Without looking back and continuing his work, the man muttered, "That's one."

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  • 2 weeks later...

A wife brings her husband to the doctor for a check-up. They're not young anymore but they're past middlle-age already. The husband is not feeling well and has the shakes. So the doctor takes him in his office and examines him and comes back out to see the wife.

She asks the doctor what's wrong and he tells her, "He doesn't have an illness but he is just so overworked and stressed to the point that it could kill him if he doesn't wind down. Look, all you need to do is cook him some very tasty meals everyday. Then give him some very relaxing massages often. Oh, and you should have a lot of sex together."

On the way out of the office, as they reached their car in the parking lot, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had to say and she replied, "You're going to die."

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A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead....

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else

pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

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Kids say the craziest things!

Nudity:

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a

woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark

naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the

back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker

room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies

grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and

then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

Message Relay:

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her

struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the

phone 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting

the bottle.'

Police:

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was

interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my

uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing

the report.. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.

Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as

she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the

station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I

saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he

asked.

'It sure is,' I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.

Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

Elderly:

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly

shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was

unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly

the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of

false teeth soaking in a glass As I braced myself for the inevitable

barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will

never believe this!'

Dress-up:

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her

dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that

suit.'

'And why not, darling?'

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

Death:

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister

heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently,

his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that

proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton

batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with

sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always

said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he

goooes.'

School:

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just

wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they

won't let me talk!'

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from

his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not

necessarily those of his parents.'

Religion:

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered

through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He

picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had

been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's

Adam's underwear!'

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It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the

station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I

saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he

asked.

'It sure is,' I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.

Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

That one's cool :laughing: :laughing:

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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested, both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well.. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch..

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what an awful wife! :mad: and after he was willing to do something like that for her.

Reminds me of this corny Little Johnny joke:

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ."

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. A sales girl notices him and ask him "Can I help you?"

He responds " I am looking for a box of tampons, for my wife."

She send him down the correct aisles. A few minutes later, he puts a huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter. She asked, confused " Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He responds, " You see, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to buy me a carton of cigaterres. She came back with a tin of tabacco and some rolling papers. I asked her why, she told me it is soooooo much cheaper. So since I have to roll my own, so does she!"

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For St Paddy's Day:

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man.

"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:

"What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.

"I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.

"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

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  • 5 weeks later...

Judge: Why were you beaten up in public? What did you do?

Convicted man: I am not guilty

Judge: How so?

Convict: I was on a crowded bus and dropped a photo out of my wallet. I asked the lady who was wearing a long dress to please lift up her dress so I could take photo.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his Grandma one day. Playing with

his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up

and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that

Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my

bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me

feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as

my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned it on and the TV reception was bad. She started

adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to

fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he went to open the

door and there stood the minister. The minister said, 'Hello son,

is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

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I probably should have put this on the Random Thoughts thread, but anyway, here goes...

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay, you've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00am, and plan on starting at 10:00am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00am?

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

:afro: :afro: :afro: :jester:

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