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The Jokes Thread - Relaunched


Farin
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  • 1 month later...

(Hearing the sustained laughter and applause beyond the time it would normally take to diminish, S2V returns to behind the microphone...)

Man walks into a bar with a hardhat, pick ax, and a shovel. Bartender says, "Sorry, no miners allowed in here"

Shetland pony strides into a bar and says, "Vodka on the rocks." Bartender asks, "What?" Pony responds, "Vodka .. on the rocks." Bartender says, "Speak up buddy. I can't here ya." Pony says, "Sorry man. I'm a little hoarse."

Duck waddles into a bar, orders a drink. Bartender serves him, says "That'll be ten bucks." Duck says, "Just put it on my bill."

Guy goes into a bar with a pair of jumper cables. Bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Good night everybody. You've been a great audience!

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Daddy, how was i born? 'Well, son, your mom and i first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then i set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as i was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You got Male!!... :D

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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook."

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Three buddies die in a car crash. They go to heaven for an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

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Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?"

The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son!

"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!"

"What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again!

........."Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.

Dad yells "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" Robot then slaps the dad!

Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly YOUR son alright." Robot then slaps the mom.

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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug tends to go flat soon after being drawn. Three beers would taste better if you bought one mug at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, always drinking beers the same way, ordering three mugs and drinking from each in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he returns to the bar for refills, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences

on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "No, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

Edited by Guest
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Three surgeons, after a fine dinner in a restaurant, are discussing ease of operation success based upon patient profile, as a result of that patient's occupation.

The first surgeon offers, "Sirs, I have concluded that the simplest people to operate on are electricians; everything inside is conveniently insulated, hard-wired and color coded."

The second surgeon counters, "Cannot agree with that, Doctor. My experiences lead me to feel that librarians offer the best chance of success; internally the environment is clean, well lit, numerically organized, with every subsection found in alphabetical order."

The third surgeon tilts his head slightly, places a finger to his lips and states with certitude, "You're both wrong. Politicians are the easiest upon which to successfully operate. Consider, they have no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine; additionally, the head and the ass are interchangeable and many times co-located."

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  • 2 weeks later...

‎2 kids in a hospital outside the operating room, 1st kid asks, "What are you in here for?" 2nd kid says, "getting my tonsils out, I'm a little nervous. 1st kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep, when you wake up they give you Jello & ice cream. It's a breeze." 2nd kid asks, "What are you here for?"1st kid says, "circumcision." "Whoa!", the 2nd kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year

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An elderly man is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

With the Annual Chili Cook-Off coming up in a week (yours truly is the defending champ), I came across an old e-mail I got back in '06. I may have posted it in the past, but I laugh so hard every time I read it, I think it's time to post it again. Enjoy

Chili Cook-off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. - Amusing kick.

Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 (Frank) -- Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway! Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

CHILI #2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI #3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge #2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3 -- Call the EPA; I've located a uranium spill! My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano! Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer

maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili

an aphrodisiac?!

CHILI #5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes! I farted and four people behind me

needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming! Screw them!

CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames! I sh*t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will

eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone!

CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing! I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water! My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match

my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......

Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have

reacted to really hot chili?

Judge #3 - No Report

:afro: :afro: :afro: :jester: :jester:

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  • 4 weeks later...

Best Christmas Cookie Recipe ever!

jose-cuervo-gold2.jpg

Thought you might enjoy a copy of my favorite Christmas cookie recipe:

1 cup of water

1 tsp. baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp. salt

1 cup of brown sugar

lemon juice

4 large eggs

1 cup nuts

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Check the Cuervo to see that it's of the highest quality. Pour one level cup & drink it up!

Get out a large bowl and assemble your cooking ingredients.

At this point, check to see if the Cuervo is OK. Try a full cup, just to be sure.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

Pour a cup of Jose Cuervo to enjoy while baking.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Relax with another cup of Cuervo.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.

Check the Jose Cuervo again to see if it's still OK

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't ferget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS!!!!

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In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!", cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

:afro: :afro: :afro: :jester: :laughing:

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  • 2 weeks later...

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was

concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely

impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any

attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then

told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and

until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother

told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to

hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

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A man went to church one day and afterward

he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.

He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a

damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said,

'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five

thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No sh!t?'

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