Shawna Posted April 8, 2011 Report Share Posted April 8, 2011 A friend forwarded me this email today... don't know if it's true but it's definitely good for a laugh. The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) . . . and they WILL breed. Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists Q. How is dew formed A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What causes the tides in the oceans A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs Q. What happens to your body as you age A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A. Premature death Q. What is artificial insemination A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A. Keep it in the cow Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby Q. What is the most common form of birth control A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section' A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport. Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted May 5, 2011 Report Share Posted May 5, 2011 Cinco De Mayo Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great sh...ip after its stop in New York.This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to NewYork. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawna Posted May 6, 2011 Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 Ladies and Gentleman, I bring to you An Evening of Short Letters. SHORT LETTERS Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch. Sincerely, The Titanic Dear America, You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment. Sincerely, Canada Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying... Sincerely, Google Dear Windshield Wipers, Can't touch this. Sincerely, That Little Triangle Dear girls who have been dumped, There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead. Sincerely, BP Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn, Please lknvfdmv.xvn. Sincerely, Stevie Wonder Dear Nickleback, That's enough. Sincerely, The World Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids, Please make one for every skin color. Sincerely, Black people Dear Scissors, I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either. Sincerely, Sarah Palin Dear Osama Bin Laden, Marco.... Sincerely, United States Dear Batman, What was your power again? Sincerely, Superman Dear Ugly People, You're welcome. Sincerely, Alcohol Dear Mr. Gump WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTLY what you're gonna get.... Sincerely, Jenny Dear World, Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok? Sincerely, The Mayans Dear White People, Don't you just hate immigrants? Sincerely, Native Americans Dear iPhone, Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut. Sincerely, Every iPhone User Dear Giant Spider on the Wall, Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go? Sincerely, Terrified Dear Trash, At least you get picked up... Sincerely, The Girls of Jersey Shore Dear Man, It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it? Sincerely, Elephant Dear Dr. Phil, Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first. Sincerely, Dr. Pepper Dear Twilight fans, Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that. Sincerely, Logic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Hilarious!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lea Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edna Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MindCrime Posted May 9, 2011 Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 those short letters are hilarious, my favorite is the Twilight one. I emailed that out to a bunch of friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heimann47 Posted May 9, 2011 Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 They asked for two beers, and the bartender told them 'We don't serve time travelers.' Two time travelers walk into a bar... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawna Posted May 11, 2011 Report Share Posted May 11, 2011 A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted May 14, 2011 Report Share Posted May 14, 2011 ^^^^^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MindCrime Posted May 14, 2011 Report Share Posted May 14, 2011 A married couple are watching TV. Husband says "We can either watch golf or porn" Wife responds "Watch porn, you already know how to golf" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phil Posted May 18, 2011 Report Share Posted May 18, 2011 Here's some classic George Carlin jokes. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? If the “black box†flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that s**t? The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,†“Thou shalt not commit adultery,†and “Thou shalt not lie†in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. I’m in shape. Round is a shape. I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted May 18, 2011 Report Share Posted May 18, 2011 LOL...those were classic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MindCrime Posted June 7, 2011 Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farin Posted June 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawna Posted June 8, 2011 Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 I have a variation of that... What's worse than a sick cat on your piano? (the rest is too naughty for family hour...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edna Posted June 14, 2011 Report Share Posted June 14, 2011 They asked for two beers, and the bartender told them 'We don't serve time travelers.' Two time travelers walk into a bar... This is one of the best jokes I ever heard (or read). Of course, only two people understood it when I emailed them the joke... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miamisammy29 Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.' The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home. The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word comfortable.' The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?' The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly....."com-for-da-bul." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawna Posted July 2, 2011 Report Share Posted July 2, 2011 If Historical Events had Facebook updates O.M.G. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MuzikTyme Posted July 2, 2011 Report Share Posted July 2, 2011 Anyone ever gone to a beautiful beach on a rainy day? How 'bout wanting to see mountains that explode hot molten "magma" all over you? Shoot, how about finding a mermaid (or Posieden) that ate you? That's a bitch/alpha fer sure! Well, all female/male dogs aren't bad. They just need a good master. But that's too much like slavery. Soo, they kill the animals instead! Yet, people keep buying pets when they can't even take care of themselves. And then have children! I kinda hate people but I'm sure y'all notice. That is if your cellphone isn't in your ear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawna Posted July 2, 2011 Report Share Posted July 2, 2011 Anyone ever gone to a beautiful beach on a rainy day? How 'bout wanting to see mountains that explode hot molten "magma" all over you? Shoot, how about finding a mermaid (or Posieden) that ate you? That's a bitch/alpha fer sure! Well, all female/male dogs aren't bad. They just need a good master. But that's too much like slavery. Soo, they kill the animals instead! Yet, people keep buying pets when they can't even take care of themselves. And then have children! I kinda hate people but I'm sure y'all notice. That is if your cellphone isn't in your ear. I don't get the joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MuzikTyme Posted July 2, 2011 Report Share Posted July 2, 2011 Your misinterpretation only exceeded your unnecessary quote. Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango? Thunder bolts and lightning aren't the worst frightening scene!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted July 2, 2011 Report Share Posted July 2, 2011 I don't get it either... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MindCrime Posted July 3, 2011 Report Share Posted July 3, 2011 Yeah, what the hell? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanTurtle Posted July 4, 2011 Report Share Posted July 4, 2011 Sorry, couldn't think of a bigger joke than this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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