Farin Posted July 22, 2007 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted July 23, 2007 Report Share Posted July 23, 2007 Would someone really get away with that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miamisammy29 Posted July 23, 2007 Report Share Posted July 23, 2007 No. I've tried it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted July 26, 2007 Report Share Posted July 26, 2007 The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says: "What a Great chest you have." He tells her: "That's 100 pounds of dynamite, baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says: "What massive calves you have." The body builder tells her: "That's 100 pounds of dynamite, baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies: "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayzor Posted July 27, 2007 Report Share Posted July 27, 2007 ^^ Hilarious!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayzor Posted August 7, 2007 Report Share Posted August 7, 2007 This is for all the blondes here at SF... There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweet Jane 61 Posted August 16, 2007 Report Share Posted August 16, 2007 His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?†“A box of Tampax,†he replied without hesitation. “Tampax?†said the doctor. “What would you do with that?†“Well,†said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.†Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Floydaholic Posted August 16, 2007 Report Share Posted August 16, 2007 A drunk man gets onto a bus: Crazy Christian: You're going to hell man!!. Drunk Man: Oops, I must be on the wrong bus then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayzor Posted August 17, 2007 Report Share Posted August 17, 2007 ^^ ^^ that would be my response! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted November 22, 2007 Report Share Posted November 22, 2007 Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnyguitar Posted November 22, 2007 Report Share Posted November 22, 2007 A man wakes up in hospital,bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway!' 'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.' Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000 compensation coming to you and we h ave the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.' The bloke perks up at this. 'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a fiveincher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.' So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day. 'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?' 'I have.' says the fellow. 'And has she helped you in making the decision?' 'She has' says the bloke. 'And what is it?' asks the doctor. . . 'We're having a new kitchen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted November 26, 2007 Report Share Posted November 26, 2007 There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.' And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!' She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.' The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.' You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?' 'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farin Posted November 26, 2007 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnyguitar Posted November 30, 2007 Report Share Posted November 30, 2007 Courtesy of an old friend....who doesn't like me any more ...but it's a good joke. Cornwall, for the benefit of our non-UK readers, is a bit like Hillbilly country in the US (a bit). Cornish Girl Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform. Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away. James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table. The third man said the he had married a Cornish girl. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lea Posted December 2, 2007 Report Share Posted December 2, 2007 What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breath dumb a**! What did the female mushroom say to the male mushroom? You sure are a fun gi! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted December 2, 2007 Report Share Posted December 2, 2007 ^ It took me a minute with the grapes... Marc asked about the drought in Georgia in another thread and it reminded me of an email I received: It's so dry here the Baptists are sprinkling, the Methodists are using a damp washcloth, the Presybeterians are giving rain checks, and the Catholics are turning wine back into water. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lea Posted December 3, 2007 Report Share Posted December 3, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted January 28, 2008 Report Share Posted January 28, 2008 A customer goes into a pizza place....the pizza guy asks the customer "how would you like that sliced, into 4 pieces or 12?"....the customer says "better make it 4, I can't eat 12 pieces of pizza!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Viaene Posted January 28, 2008 Report Share Posted January 28, 2008 no kidding, that must have been the most internationally spread joke of the world Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted January 29, 2008 Report Share Posted January 29, 2008 I must live in a cave....I just heard that one yesterday! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phil Posted February 1, 2008 Report Share Posted February 1, 2008 Here are some old jokes from the old Hollywood Sqares show. VERY FUNNY FOR US WHO REMEMBER Hollywood Squares If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are fr om the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him. Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted February 1, 2008 Report Share Posted February 1, 2008 I loved that show! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Levis Posted February 1, 2008 Report Share Posted February 1, 2008 Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blind-fitter Posted February 1, 2008 Report Share Posted February 1, 2008 Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Excellent stuff, Phil: I laughed out loud at about 75% of them, which aint bad going. The reason I quote the one above...well, it's weird: just yesterday evening, for no particular reason I can recall apart from that the children were discussing animals' swimming abilities, I mused inwardly about what a great band-name "Drown The Frogs" would be, (for the right sort of band). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted February 1, 2008 Report Share Posted February 1, 2008 OMG! Those were hilarious! Here's my contribution: Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These damn girls' night out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties.' 'You think that's bad' said the other husband, 'Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her ass that says: 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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