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The Jokes Thread - Relaunched


Farin
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Job Application Lingo

COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up well.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat, or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Word.

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C-130.jpg

F-16.jpg

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" then promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier while diving past the large, propellar-driven aircraft. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that? The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this." The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes, when the C-130 pilot came back on asking "What did you think of that?" Puzzled, the F-1 6 pilot shouted, "What the hell did YOU do?" The C-130 pilot chuckled, "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, took a piss, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun."

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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr.. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

*****************! *********

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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On another Septic Tank Truck:

"We' re #1 in the #2 business"

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At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit please back in."

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On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

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On a Church's Billboard:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************

At a Tire Shop:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:

"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

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At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

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On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

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At an Optometrist's Office :

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

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On a Fence

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

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At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary We hear you coming."

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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At the Electric Company :

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

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In a Restaurant window :

"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home :

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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At a Propane Filling Station ,

"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Auto Radiator Shop:

Best place in town to take a leak

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Pancakes and bacon, baby. It's an homage to the great "Pancake vs crepe/syrup vs fruit/America vs the world/IHOP vs every other restaurant" debacle from yesterday.

Oh, I almost see... :shades: I thought it was some UFO with a cross made by anchovies or something like that... :P :laughing:

I think I prefer crepes... character0242.gif ...but I love you all the same :bow:

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Two of the funniest men ever, b-f ! I liked Ronnie Barker in 'Porride' best though. When/ if the DVD Box Sets get a little cheaper I'm going to buy them. I'd also like the 'Fawlty Towers' Collection. I have all of the 'Goodies' ones that have been issued so far. Kitten Kong, Ecky-thump, etc.

:)

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I think you mean "Porridge", O55. ;)

You mention some classic stuff there. I loved The Two Ronnies, and Morecambe & Wise. As for Fawlty Towers, who couldn't laugh at that? It has to be the best, doesn't it?

I liked The Goodies too. Wouldn't mind a DVD of their best stuff meself. I gather they were always regarded rather sniffily as the infantile cousin of Monty Python. I wasn't aware of such snobbery at the time and just thought they were hilarious....

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