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The Jokes Thread - Relaunched


Farin
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Also in the interest of fairness:

An Irish women is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.

A nearby Guard approaches her and remarks, "Madam, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the women.

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the women, "I left my baby on the bus!"

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Where is cleanliness next to godliness?

In the Irish dictionary.

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Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Georgia?

If it had been invented anywhere else, they would have called it a teethbrush.

---

What did the average Georgian get on his SAT?

Drool.

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Peaches, did it take you a minute to get those?

I'll give you 4 guesses as to which finger I am holding up to my monitor.

****************

Q: How do you know when you're staying in a South Carolina hotel?

A: "When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

****************

State Mottos:

South Carolina: Just south of North Carolina

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

****************

2000 Federal Census for North Carolina

Last name: ________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Billy-Bob

(_) Billy-Joe

(_) Billy-Ray

(_) Billy-Sue

(_) Billy-Mae

(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?

(_) Booger

(_) Bubba

(_) Junior

(_) Sissy

(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex:

____ M

_____ F

_____ Not sure

Shoe Size:

____ Left

____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Farmer

(_) Mechanic

(_) Hair Dresser

(_) Unemployed

(_) Dirty Politician

(_) Preacher

Spouse's Name:_________________________

2nd Spouse's Name:_____________________

3rd Spouse's Name:_____________________

Lover's Name:__________________________

Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Sister

(_) Brother

(_) Aunt

(_) Uncle

(_) Cousin

(_) Mother

(_) Father

(_) Son

(_) Daughter

(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____

Number of children living in shed: ______

Number that are yours: ______

Mother's Name: _______________________

(If not sure, leave blank)

Father's Name: _______________________

(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4

(Circle highest grade completed)

Do you

(_) own or

(_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___

Number of vehicles that still crank: ___

Number of vehicles in front yard: ___

Number of vehicles in back yard: ___

Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck

____ bedroom

____ bathroom

____ kitchen

____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196___

Do you have a gun rack?

(_) Yes

(_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_) The National Enquirer

(_) The Globe

(_) TV Guide

(_) Soap Opera Digest

(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____

Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____

Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:

(_) Weekly

(_) Monthly

(_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:

Left______

Right_____

Color of hair:

(_) Blond

(_) Black

(_) Red

(_) Brown

(_) White

(_) Clairol

Color of teeth:

(_) Yellow

(_) Brownish-Yellow

(_) Brown

(_) Black

(_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_) 1 mile

(_) 2 miles

(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler

(_) road?

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:laughing: I've been reading all these jokes... I got tears in my eyes! As a drummer I must say that we are the most picked-on group of people in any rock band! But is funny stuff though! The deep-south jokes just broke my rib! :laughing:

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Children - Where Do They Get Their Ideas From?

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.

"Dead." she was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

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A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Da-d...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

--------------------------------------------------

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

--------------------------------------------------

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?".

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear" she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room".

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy".

--------------------------------------------------

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?".

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron.".

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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!".

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy".

"I know", she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

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A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes", he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

--------------------------------------------------

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' ".

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?".

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!".

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

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