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The Jokes Thread - Relaunched


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A cop calls in to report a shooting on his radio:   " It appears that an elderly woman shot her husband because he walked across the floor she just mopped" Captain: "Well did you arrest her?"  Cop: "N

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new

Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs

him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red

light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya

got there, Sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor

proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting

back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all

right...but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man

just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the

speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be

getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly:

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks

himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and

passes the Moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old

man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and

takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he

sees the Moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear

end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my gosh! Is there

anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view

mirror."

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

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Stupidist Inventions:

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlights

Submarine screen doors

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart boards

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chairs

Water proof tea bags

Watermelon seed sorter

Zero proof alchohol

Reusable ice cubes

See-through toilet tissue

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap

Helicopter ejector seat

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Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some f%%kin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f@@kin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the f##kin’ French toast."

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There are some things that money can't buy. For everything else, my salary

>isn't sufficient !!

>

>I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and

>brings me back.

>

>They can't fire me, slaves have to be sold.

>Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.

>

>Death is hereditary.

>

>Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

>

>Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

>

>When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

>

>Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

>

>Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

>

>Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.

>

>Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

>

>They say hard work never hurt anybody, but why take the chance.

>

>Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

>

>You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

>

>I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

>

>If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

>

>Pessimist: A person that looks both ways when crossing a one way street.

>

>The light at the end of the

tunnel is the headlamp of an approaching train.

>

>Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives.

>I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.

>

>Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

>

>LUCK...stands for Labouring Under Correct Knowledge

>Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.

>

>The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

>

>There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right

>side

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I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)

I'm walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence follows. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. Finally I said "I’m thinking!" (Jack Benny)

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld)

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright)

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. (Johnny Carson)

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley)

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter. (Emo Philips)

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A koala is sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"

The koala says, "Smoking a joint. Come up and hit this."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala. They smoke a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

The koala looks down at him and says, "Dude, how much water did you drink?"

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A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. S he was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

'No," she said, "I was a hooker in Lowell and I worked both sides of the Merrimack River."

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