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The Jokes Thread - Relaunched


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A cop calls in to report a shooting on his radio:   " It appears that an elderly woman shot her husband because he walked across the floor she just mopped" Captain: "Well did you arrest her?"  Cop: "N

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."

"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"

"That you kill me first."

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Whats the difference between a Harley and a vacuum?

The placement of the dirt bag!

Evil . when you consider that Harley is one of the few companies still US owened and and manged - not out-sourced to India , not owned by Arabs , not financed by Europeans , etc.

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Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too, but I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!" Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled , and said to Bill, "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says,

"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500

American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says it is and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife

asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the

side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was,

and she said to her husband,

"It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm,

and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?" said the wife.

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

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Three boys always come home from school the same way. One day as they pass the fence near their house, they look through a hole in the fence. They see a naked woman standing in the yard, two of the boys stare at her while the third one runs away.

The next day they look through the hole and see the same lady, still naked. The two boys still look at her, while the third one runs away again.

The next day as the three boys look through the hole, and the third one gets ready to run away, the two other ones ask the third one, "Why do you keep running away?" The little boy says, "My mommy told me if I see a naked lady I'll turn to stone. And everytime I see her, a part of me gets harder."

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