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The Jokes Thread - Relaunched


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A crusty old man dies and goes to hell. The devil meets him and says "You will spend eternity within one of these 3 rooms. Once you have chosen a room you will join the other souls forever!"

The man asks if he can see what is inside each room before choosing. The devil nods and leads the way to door #1. He opens it and sees millions of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor. The man decides this seems too painful and would like to move on to the next door. The 2nd room contains millions of people standing on their heads on bare concrete. The man says that this is worse and would like to see the final room before deciding. The 3rd room contains millions of people standing knee-deep in pig dung and drinking coffee.

"This doesn't seem so bad. I choose this room." the man says.

"Are you sure?" The devil asks.

"Absolutely." The man replies.

The devil lets the man enter and as he closes the door he yells "OK people! Coffee break is over!"

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An old Italian man is sad because he wants to plant his tomatoes in the yard but it is baked hard by the sun and he is too old and frail to work the soil.

He writes to his only son, Luigi, who is a mafioso hit man in gaol for a long stretch.

'Dear Son,

Life is hard here without your young strong arms to help me. I want to plant my tomatoes but I'm not fit enough to dig the yard. I don't know what I will do. Perhaps I will ask in the village for some help.'

Two days later he got a reply.

'Dear Dad,

Whatever you do, don't dig in the yard, that's where I buried the bodies.

Your Everloving Son


The next day the police arrived and dug up the whole yard and garden. Finding nothing they apologised to the old man and left.

The next day he got another letter from his son.

'Plant your tomatoes now Dad, that was the best I could do from in here.




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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are about to be executed by a firing squad.

The brunette is brought out first. As the commanding officer is giving the command to his squad, "READY....AIM..." the brunette takes her chance and yells "Earthquake!" The C.O. and squad get down on the ground, giving the brunette time to escape.

After seeing what happened, they decide to bring out the redhead. Once again, the C.O. yells "READY....AIM..." at which the redhead yells "tornado!" The squad runs back into the fort to get down in the lower levels. When they emerge some time later, they see the redhead is long gone. Not giving up hope, they bring out the blonde. Again, the squad is given the command "READY...AIM..."

The blonde, learning from the other two, at that point yelled "FIRE!"

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