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The Jokes Thread - Relaunched


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A friend forwarded me this email today... don't know if it's true but it's definitely good for a laugh. :grin:

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) . . . and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?

A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

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A cop calls in to report a shooting on his radio:   " It appears that an elderly woman shot her husband because he walked across the floor she just mopped" Captain: "Well did you arrest her?"  Cop: "N

Cinco De Mayo

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great sh...ip after its stop in New York.This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to NewYork. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

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Ladies and Gentleman, I bring to you An Evening of Short Letters.

SHORT LETTERS

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely,

Unicorns

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely,

The Titanic

Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely,

Canada

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...

Sincerely,

Google

Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can't touch this.

Sincerely,

That Little Triangle

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely,

BP

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,

Please lknvfdmv.xvn.

Sincerely, Stevie Wonder

Dear Nickleback,

That's enough.

Sincerely, The World

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,

Please make one for every skin color.

Sincerely, Black people

Dear Scissors,

I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.

Sincerely, Sarah Palin

Dear Osama Bin Laden,

Marco....

Sincerely, United States

Dear Batman,

What was your power again?

Sincerely, Superman

Dear Ugly People,

You're welcome.

Sincerely, Alcohol

Dear Mr. Gump

WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTLY what you're gonna get....

Sincerely, Jenny

Dear World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?

Sincerely,

The Mayans

Dear White People,

Don't you just hate immigrants?

Sincerely,

Native Americans

Dear iPhone,

Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.

Sincerely,

Every iPhone User

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,

Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?

Sincerely,

Terrified

Dear Trash,

At least you get picked up...

Sincerely,

The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,

It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Sincerely,

Elephant

Dear Dr. Phil,

Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.

Sincerely,

Dr. Pepper

Dear Twilight fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.

Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely,

Logic

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Here's some classic George Carlin jokes.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If the “black box†flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that s**t?

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,†“Thou shalt not commit adultery,†and “Thou shalt not lie†in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.

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  • 3 weeks later...

They asked for two beers, and the bartender told them 'We don't serve time travelers.'

Two time travelers walk into a bar...

This is one of the best jokes I ever heard (or read).

Of course, only two people understood it when I emailed them the joke...

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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly....."com-for-da-bul."

:afro: :afro: :afro: :jester:

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Anyone ever gone to a beautiful beach on a rainy day? How 'bout wanting to see mountains that explode hot molten "magma" all over you?

Shoot, how about finding a mermaid (or Posieden) that ate you?

That's a bitch/alpha fer sure! Well, all female/male dogs aren't bad. They just need a good master. But that's too much like slavery. Soo, they kill the animals instead!

Yet, people keep buying pets when they can't even take care of themselves. And then have children!

I kinda hate people but I'm sure y'all notice.

That is if your cellphone isn't in your ear.

;)

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Anyone ever gone to a beautiful beach on a rainy day? How 'bout wanting to see mountains that explode hot molten "magma" all over you?

Shoot, how about finding a mermaid (or Posieden) that ate you?

That's a bitch/alpha fer sure! Well, all female/male dogs aren't bad. They just need a good master. But that's too much like slavery. Soo, they kill the animals instead!

Yet, people keep buying pets when they can't even take care of themselves. And then have children!

I kinda hate people but I'm sure y'all notice.

That is if your cellphone isn't in your ear.

;)

I don't get the joke. :crazy:

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