blind-fitter Posted June 17, 2008 Report Share Posted June 17, 2008 Classic, mate: where on earth do you get them from? Edit: I thought I'd heard it before: Uncle Joe told it just yesterday. But very funny, nonetheless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheLizard Posted June 17, 2008 Report Share Posted June 17, 2008 Ah frick, he did. I thought I saw it on a different website. Sorry for ripping you off, Uncle Joe! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Joe Posted June 17, 2008 Report Share Posted June 17, 2008 LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted June 17, 2008 Report Share Posted June 17, 2008 Poor Bob was now having only Courtroom Sex. That occurred when his wife couldn't stand him any longer so she took him to court and screwed him in front of everyone. Someday you'll be old enough for Social Security Sex. You'll get a little each month. But not really enough to enjoy yourself. It sure beats Religious Sex. You know. Nun in the morning, Nun in the evening, Nun at all. Mr. Peaches and I practice hallway sex. We shout out "&^%$ you!" when we pass each other in the hallway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Viaene Posted June 17, 2008 Report Share Posted June 17, 2008 That sounds like great fun Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edna Posted June 18, 2008 Report Share Posted June 18, 2008 I find it very funny... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Joe Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 This guy is nominated for Sainthood! Poor Jim, so misunderstood. Here's what Jim wrote: It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there is nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I do not yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I am ready for a home-cooked meal when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it is not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they will not clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she will not have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then would not hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I am a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I am not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife, because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, Jim EDITOR'S NOTE: Jim died suddenly on Nov 2 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledgehammer lying nearby. His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Seeker Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miamisammy29 Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edna Posted June 20, 2008 Report Share Posted June 20, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted June 20, 2008 Report Share Posted June 20, 2008 That was funny, Joe. I've got one now: I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. 'So what was wrong?' He replied, ''It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T error? What's that--in case I need to fix it again.' Richard grinned. ''Haven't you ever heard of an 'ID ten T error' before?' 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So, I wrote it down... I D 1 0 T I used to like the little s**t. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Viaene Posted June 20, 2008 Report Share Posted June 20, 2008 (edited) I like him --> Friendship between women: A woman doesn't come home one night, the next day she tells her husband she slept at a friend's house. The husband phones her 10 best friends and no-one confirms she slept there. --> Friendship between men: A man doesn't come home one night, the next day he tells his wife he slept at a friend's house. The woman calls his 10 best friends, 8 confirm the guy slept there and 2 claim he's still there. Edited June 20, 2008 by Guest one man, two men, I got it right now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted June 23, 2008 Report Share Posted June 23, 2008 Fresh from her shower, a woman stood in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. 'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'. Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. 'How long will this take?' she asked. 'They will grow larger over a period of years,' her husband replied. She stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them grow larger over the years?' Without missing a beat he says, ' Worked for your butt, didn't it? ' ****** Women Are Evil By Nature....... A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender... "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued , running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room." **** Q: Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down... I said look down - not scroll down ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edna Posted June 23, 2008 Report Share Posted June 23, 2008 I said look down - not scroll down ! The first joke is very good too... The other is a bit... cochon... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted July 4, 2008 Report Share Posted July 4, 2008 Dangerous Discipline... Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!" The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,"What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edna Posted July 5, 2008 Report Share Posted July 5, 2008 Laurie, you´re the best! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted July 5, 2008 Report Share Posted July 5, 2008 Hehehe, thanks Edna..My daughter emailed me that one... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steel2Velvet Posted July 5, 2008 Report Share Posted July 5, 2008 Don't recall if I've shared this one here or not. If you've heard it before, sorry about that. But it's relevant to this site, one of my favorites and well, here goes .... The band U2 was playing a hometown concert in Ireland. The group was cooking with gas! Ever the showman, Bono had the crowd in his hand from their opening number. Making them weep, laugh and always the constant roaring of approval, this was his night to send these people away with the U2 "brand." Late in the set, at the height of audience hysteria, Bono motioned for silence with a finger to the mouth. Obediently and instantly, the arena grew uncommonly still. Bono slowly started a cadence of lightly clapping his hands about once a second and slowly moved his lips close to the microphone. Speaking softly with much emotion through the amplified speakers, he said between each clap, "Everytime .. I .. clap .. my .. hands .. another .. person .. dies .. in .. Africa." Within the hush of that large hall, from somewhere near the front row a young man shouted out, "So quit fookin doon it!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farin Posted July 5, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2008 I think b-f had that as his signature once Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted July 5, 2008 Report Share Posted July 5, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PSYCHOcatholic Posted July 6, 2008 Report Share Posted July 6, 2008 Did yall hear about the new Morning After Pill for Men? Supposedly it changes your blood type! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted July 6, 2008 Report Share Posted July 6, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted July 6, 2008 Report Share Posted July 6, 2008 Ohhhh I get it now... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Seeker Posted July 6, 2008 Report Share Posted July 6, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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