The Jokes Thread - Relaunched

[Levis]

"sad" ?

[MuzikTyme]

Right on, Radhi.

[_Laurie_]

Sheer Negligee

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item pays the $500 and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

[edna]

[MindCrime]

ha-ha (that Sheer Negligee one)

[_Laurie_]

The Cab Driver

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass store front window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver slowly replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab......I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.'

[Kevin]

[Farin]

[Uncle Joe]

There are teachers and then...

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers and then there are TEACHERS.

[Blue Fish]

i like that one...

[_Laurie_]

Good News, Bad News...

Two 90 year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day. One day Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."

Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed," Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,"Moe--Moe."

"Who is it?" asks Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

[Uncle Joe]

A couple of posts I just read reminded me of this one. It's one of the late George Carlin's earliest bits.

Seems George is sitting at home sometime in late February when the phone rings. The conversation goes something like this:

George: (answers phone) Hello.

Caller: Hello, George?

George: Yes, this is George. Who are you?

Caller: Jane.

George: Jane?

Caller: Jane.

George: Jane who?

Caller: Jane from the New Year's Eve party.

George: (after a moment's hesitation) Ohhhh, that Jane. Well, you were a good sport. Ehhh, what do you want?

Caller: I'm pregnant....and if you don't marry me I willl kill myself.

George: Sayyyy, you are a good sport!

[_Laurie_]

[Kevin]

[Uncle Joe]

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck now works for the government.

[Levis]

Genius

[Farin]

[Kevin]

God , I hope that's not what the Democrats are offering up ; it does seem to be the Republicans 'soup de jour' , though ...

[Uncle Joe]

Would you pass....The Bathtub Test ?

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director: "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "one way is that we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug! Do you want a bed near the window?"

[_Laurie_]

[miamisammy29]

Yeaaaahhhh! Joeeeyyyy!

[_Laurie_]

Language Barrier

A girl from Ohio and a girl from the east coast were seated side by side on an airplane.

The girl from Ohio, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"

The east coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.

The girl from Ohio sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where ya from......b****?"

[_Laurie_]

Talking Dog

A man rented a hall and sold tickets to see what he claimed was the world's only talking dog. Curiosity prevailed and the show was soldout.

As the show opened the man walked out on the stage with a plain, mixed breed mutt. "Dog" he said, "tell these folks what's on the outside of trees."

The dog sits up and says "bark bark, bark. The crowd groans at what they feel is a poor attempt at humor.

The man continues with "Dog, what's on the top of a house?" The dog rolls over and says "roof, roof!" The hall is silent.

Pushing, on the man turns to the dog and says "Please decribe for these folks the texture of sandpaper."

The dog's quick reply is "ruff, ruff." The hall begins to fill with boos and hisses from people who feel that they've been cheated.

Feeling that the crowd is turning ugly the man hurries to the next question. "Dog", he asks quickly, "who is the greatest baseball player that ever lived?"

The dog cocks his head and says "Ruth, Ruth."

Now sure that they've been made fools of, the audience storms the stage, drags the dog and his master out into the alley and gives them the beating of their lives. Later, after they come to in the alley, alone, bruised and bloody, the dog turns to the man with a quizzical look on his face and asks "Ted Williams?"

Edited August 7, 2008 by Guest
Edited for Sammy

[miamisammy29]

What a STUPID dog! Everybody knows that Ted Williams is the greatest baseball player that ever lived!

[_Laurie_]

Look again Sammy.