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The Jokes Thread - Relaunched


Farin

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  • 2 weeks later...

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

:crazy:

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  • 2 weeks later...

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

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Bobby has just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an

electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic

navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze

the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the

airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew

a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign

said "WHERE AM I ?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a

large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU

ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and

determine the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and

landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the

"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The

pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building

because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless

answer."

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  • 2 weeks later...

SAYING GOOD-NIGHT TO MOTHER

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say good-night to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid old thing was hiding under the bed. I had to hit her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to get away, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat old butt downstairs and threw her out!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.

:afro: :afro: :afro: :jester:

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A blonde calls her fiancé and says, "Please come over here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Delighted that his bride-to-be has taken up such a mind-bending hobby, he rushes over. Upon arrival he asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger ." She hands him the box and sits down to the scattered puzzle pieces on the table. Her fiancée looks at the box and sits down, bewildered, next to the blonde. "Honey," he says, "I don't think we'll ever make this puzzle look like a tiger. Why don't we just have a nice cup of coffee......and put these frosted flakes back in the box?"

Three blondes walked into their local bar shouting "44 days, 44 days!" the bartender asked, 'what's up', and they said, "We just finished this jigsaw puzzle and it only took us 44 days!"

"Sort of a long time isn't it" asked the bartender.

"No!" the girls answered. "The box said 'for 3 to 5 years' '".

A blond orders a latte from Starbucks and peels off a sticker from her cup.

She jumps up from her seat and excitedly yells" I just won a motor home!"

The manager looks at her sticker and says " Lady, you didn't win a motor home!

The stickers says Win a bagel! Lox not included.

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You've probably heard this one but it's a good

ole chestnut so here goes....

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks

didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even

remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did

something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red

rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in

perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge

black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove,

I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out

of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything

in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to

the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time:

PRICELESS

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