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The Jokes Thread - Relaunched


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Four Worms and a Lesson to be Learned

A teacher decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his class about personal health.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first was placed into a jar with alcohol.

The second was placed into a jar with cigarette smoke.

The third was placed into a jar with chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was placed into a jar with good soil.

At the conclusion of the class, the instructor reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol was DEAD.

The second worm in cigarette smoke was DEAD also.

The third worm in chocolate syrup was DEAD too.

The fourth worm was found ALIVE.

So the instructor asked the class: What did you learn from this demonstration?

Johnny, sitting in the last row raised his hand and said: As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate you will NEVER have worms!

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Quotes from George Carlin.

Always do whatever's next.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

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The Tiger

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

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Lisa joined a convent of a very strict order. Upon indoctrination, the mother superior tells the group of inductees, "For the first 5 years of your vows, you are on probation and may not speak aloud at any moment, except for two words at the end of your annual evaluations with me. Now, go in peace to wardrobe and get fitted for your habit." After Lisa's first year and the completion of her first rather promising evaluation, Mother Superior says to Lisa, "Now my child, you may say two words aloud." After a year to think about this, Lisa decides upon, "Bed lumpy." "Well, we shall have Bruno," replied M.S., "the maintainence man, take a look at your bed and see what he can do about it. Go in peace now." Another year passes and when invited to utter her two words after evaluation, Lisa says, "Food terrible." "Note to bring this up to the cafeteria manager, Sister Oswald, at our next administration meeting." said the Mother, "Go in peace." After the third year's evaluation, Lisa offers the following two words, "Organ untuned." Mother responds with the assurance that she will have the music director look into that. At the completion of her fourth year's evaluation, Lisa blurts out, "I quit!" Marking a notation on Lisa's evaluation form and without looking up, Mother Superior says, "It doesn't surprise me. You've nothing but complained since you got here."

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Democrat or Republican

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'We are studying Politics in school can you explain it to me ?

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family , so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future .

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father

in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good,son,tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,

'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t.

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Odd Or Even?

Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to get 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even side of the street so the snow plow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later they are eating breakfast and the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snow plow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park...", then the electricity goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

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This is a true story.

My niece, Angela was at Church for her 6 yr old daughter's May Procession (an annual event on the Catholic calendar). In the pew with her and her husband was her 3 1/2 yr. old daughter, Sammi.

Sammi got restless and started moving around quite a bit and talking a little too loudly for Church.

Angela, out of deference to the nuns sitting behind them leans over to Sammi and says, "Sammi, shhh, not so loud. We're in God's house and God can hear you".

Sammi looks up at Mommy and says, "Oh, it's OK Mom. He's dead."

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The Blind Man

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of Mother Superior is that they must not

get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room,

they open the door.

"Nice a$$, sister," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"

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  • 3 weeks later...

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."

The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring.

Eats shoots and leaves."

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On their way to getting married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'

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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

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Business Signs

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr.. Jones, at your cervix."

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At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

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On a Fence

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

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At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

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On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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On another Septic Tank Truck:

"We' re #1 in the #2 business"

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At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit please back in."

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On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

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On a Church's Billboard:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

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At a Tire Shop:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

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On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:

"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

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On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

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At an Optometrist's Office :

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

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Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary We hear you coming."

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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At the Electric Company :

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

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In a Restaurant window :

"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home :

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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At a Propane Filling Station ,

"Thank heaven for little grills."

-------------------------------------

And don't forget the sign at a Auto Radiator Shop:

Best place in town to take a leak

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A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!"

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