Farin Posted May 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 17, 2009 [big]Pepperoni Pizza With A Side Of Pointless Paranoia[/big] [smaller]911 Call Center | Montreal, QC, Canada[/smaller] Me: “9-1-1, police, fire, or ambulance?†Caller: “Help, please God, help!†Me: “Sir, what’s the emergency?†Caller: “Someone’s trying to break into my house! Please, send the cops!†Me: “Calm down… the police are well on the way as we are talking.†Caller: “I don’t want to die! Oh my God, why me?†Me: “Sir, take a deep breath. Do you know this person?†Caller: “Yeah, I ordered some pizza, I paid, and he gave it to me. I can see through the window it’s him… he’s pounding on my door trying to get in! Where are the cops?!†Me: “Sir, I’ll stay on the phone with you if it makes you feel safer. Can you yell what he wants?†Caller: “Okay…†*yells toward the door* “What do you want, man?!†Pizza guy: *faintly, behind the door* “You forgot your change!†Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MindCrime Posted May 17, 2009 Report Share Posted May 17, 2009 The title before the joke, ruined the punch-line for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foolonthehill Posted May 18, 2009 Report Share Posted May 18, 2009 hahaha yeah I discovered "Not Always Right" recently This is my favourite: Deceptive Desserts Bakery | Florida, USA Customer: “Excuse me, but I have a complaint to make.†Me: “Oh, sure. What’s the matter?†Customer: “I heard a group of teenagers over there talking, and they said the cake that you serve is a lie.†Me: “…†Customer: “What exactly do you have to say for yourselves?! I come in here, expecting to find a decent establishment, only to find out you are selling fake food!!†Me: “Um, ma’am. They were repeating a popular phrase from the internet. I can assure you, the cake that we sell very much exists.†Customer: “Prove it! Show me this cake.†Me: *points* Customer: “Oh. In that case you should write a letter to the internet about how they’re making up rumors about your products.†Me: “I’ll… I’ll do that. Thank you.†Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farin Posted May 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 18, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miamisammy29 Posted May 29, 2009 Report Share Posted May 29, 2009 A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize and play games. The ladies of the house were to prepare the meals. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.' He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.' She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.' He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.' So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes. Right about then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.' Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.' Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT's and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now.' and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said,... 'You know, that fellow who ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted May 29, 2009 Report Share Posted May 29, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farin Posted May 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edna Posted May 29, 2009 Report Share Posted May 29, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Joe Posted June 3, 2009 Report Share Posted June 3, 2009 Men are so much more helpful than women when it comes to good, sound advice. It seems they're more intuitive. Here's a good example from a help column called Ask Walter. Dear Walter, I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila ****************************** Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps. Walt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted June 3, 2009 Report Share Posted June 3, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted June 3, 2009 Report Share Posted June 3, 2009 Can I add to the advice? After you fix the car, run over the cheatin' bastard! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawna Posted June 3, 2009 Report Share Posted June 3, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Epiphany Posted June 3, 2009 Report Share Posted June 3, 2009 Lol, that's so wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miamisammy29 Posted June 3, 2009 Report Share Posted June 3, 2009 THAT'S THE SAME ADVICE I WOULD HAVE GIVEN! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted June 15, 2009 Report Share Posted June 15, 2009 (edited) The following quotations are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts by Charles M. Sevilla and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place. Regardless of originations, they can be eye openers as to the mentality of those engaged in the drill... ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ And the best for last.........: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. . . . Edited June 16, 2009 by Guest naughty word.. tsk tsk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lea Posted June 15, 2009 Report Share Posted June 15, 2009 I love those Kevin. Some I had heard before My favorite: ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. I'll bet he/she said it completely deadpan to Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawna Posted June 16, 2009 Report Share Posted June 16, 2009 oooo I can hardly wait until I get to be a real court reporter! I am so unable to mask my emotions... it should be a challenge. I spoke with a court reporter who had been practicing for 20+ years, and she had some stories... ATTORNEY: Where did the doctor give you the shot? WITNESS: (in an attempt to appear educated and use medical terminology) In the rectum. ATTORNEY: What is your name? WITNESS: Nosmo King. My mother named me after the "no smoking" sign in the hospital. ATTORNEY: And what sort of exam did your gynecologist perform? WITNESS: He looked in my angina. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Seeker Posted June 16, 2009 Report Share Posted June 16, 2009 Kevin, those are great Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blind-fitter Posted June 17, 2009 Report Share Posted June 17, 2009 Confusion reigned in our local court-room recently. Proceedings were interrupted when a man, having concealed his identity by wearing a woolen scarf around his face, crossed from the public gallery to the jury stand, fondled the breasts of each female juror, did the same to two female barristers, before fleeing the room in haste. The court-reporter was dumbfounded, until the judge pointed out that this is normally recorded as "a muffled titter ran around the court-room". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted June 19, 2009 Report Share Posted June 19, 2009 ^ ******************************************* A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase...in no time." "Thank you Father," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot, and exclaimed, "Put the f***ing beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted June 19, 2009 Report Share Posted June 19, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Seeker Posted June 19, 2009 Report Share Posted June 19, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MindCrime Posted June 30, 2009 Report Share Posted June 30, 2009 An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces." The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MindCrime Posted June 30, 2009 Report Share Posted June 30, 2009 My online friend in India told me this one... Grandpa and the IRS The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted June 30, 2009 Report Share Posted June 30, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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