_Laurie_ Posted May 13, 2008 Report Share Posted May 13, 2008 Wife's Demands When I got home last night my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive. So I took her to the gas station! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miamisammy29 Posted May 13, 2008 Report Share Posted May 13, 2008 "After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted May 21, 2008 Report Share Posted May 21, 2008 Campaign Promises Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain were flying to a debate. Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy." Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy." John added, "I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy." Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Levis Posted May 21, 2008 Report Share Posted May 21, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted June 3, 2008 Report Share Posted June 3, 2008 Math Terrorist At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Levis Posted June 3, 2008 Report Share Posted June 3, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Viaene Posted June 3, 2008 Report Share Posted June 3, 2008 brilliant, I'm Rolling On the Floor from Laughter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted June 5, 2008 Report Share Posted June 5, 2008 A nice calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide. The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!' The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Levis Posted June 6, 2008 Report Share Posted June 6, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edna Posted June 6, 2008 Report Share Posted June 6, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted June 6, 2008 Report Share Posted June 6, 2008 All Cats Go To Heaven A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow." A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted June 6, 2008 Report Share Posted June 6, 2008 Old Ladies Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep." "I know" replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edna Posted June 6, 2008 Report Share Posted June 6, 2008 Laurie and Jenny, you´re the best... must be that mix of Mediterranean blood... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Seeker Posted June 6, 2008 Report Share Posted June 6, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Viaene Posted June 6, 2008 Report Share Posted June 6, 2008 (edited) good ones Edited June 6, 2008 by Guest stuff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted June 7, 2008 Report Share Posted June 7, 2008 Last Request A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests?" asked the Chaplain. "Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Viaene Posted June 7, 2008 Report Share Posted June 7, 2008 Clever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MuzikTyme Posted June 8, 2008 Report Share Posted June 8, 2008 I was thinking cleaver. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Joe Posted June 9, 2008 Report Share Posted June 9, 2008 Ward, June, Wally or the Beave? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MuzikTyme Posted June 9, 2008 Report Share Posted June 9, 2008 Eddie Haskell . . . Hey, Wally!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted June 10, 2008 Report Share Posted June 10, 2008 Colonoscopy Top 10 comments during a colonscopy: 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone." 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 5. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." 6. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 7. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!" 8. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 9. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married." 10. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheLizard Posted June 10, 2008 Report Share Posted June 10, 2008 11. "If I wanted my teeth checked, I have a dentist, thanks." I heard that from a stand-up comedian once. Bill Engvall, I think it was. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ken Posted June 10, 2008 Report Share Posted June 10, 2008 Q: What's 40 feet long and smells like urine? A: Line dancing at an old-age home.... I am outta here.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edna Posted June 13, 2008 Report Share Posted June 13, 2008 A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. Â After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, Elizabeth .....': Â 'Is that you, Steve?' 'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.' 'That's wonderful! What's it like?' Â 'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex t he rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.' 'Oh, Steve you surely must be in heaven!' 'Not exactly .. I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona .' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted June 13, 2008 Report Share Posted June 13, 2008 Good one Edna! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Please sign in to comment
You will be able to leave a comment after signing in
Sign In Now