edna Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 I forwarded it to my mother and she loved it UncleJoe and Laurie tell the best jokes... it must be their Italian blood... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MindCrime Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 warning: cheesy joke A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MindCrime Posted August 13, 2009 Report Share Posted August 13, 2009 During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Floydaholic Posted August 13, 2009 Report Share Posted August 13, 2009 Did you ever hear the joke that doesn't have an ending? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarcM Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 I have heard part of a joke that would cause instant death to whomever heard it if the whole joke was ever told. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miamisammy29 Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 I heard that one in German. I didn't find it funny, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miamisammy29 Posted September 3, 2009 Report Share Posted September 3, 2009 FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE: 1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Joe Posted September 4, 2009 Report Share Posted September 4, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MindCrime Posted September 5, 2009 Report Share Posted September 5, 2009 A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus is watching you.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farin Posted September 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 5, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted September 24, 2009 Report Share Posted September 24, 2009 For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Apparently speaking English is what kills you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lea Posted September 24, 2009 Report Share Posted September 24, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MindCrime Posted September 25, 2009 Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 What about the British, Australians, Canadians, India & half of Africa? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawna Posted September 25, 2009 Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 What about the British, Australians, Canadians, India & half of Africa? Lack of sun. Kangaroo encounters. Cheese. Intense heat. Giant mosquitos. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted September 25, 2009 Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 ^ Muzik ? Otokichi ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lea Posted September 25, 2009 Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 Utoh. I think I understand what she means and it doesn't seem crazy or unintelligible to me at all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted September 25, 2009 Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 I know what she means, but of course she knows that I know what she means, know what I mean? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lea Posted September 25, 2009 Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 I think I do Laurie. I think I do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted September 25, 2009 Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 I did have a little bit too much coffee today...LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted September 25, 2009 Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 (edited) Utoh. I think I understand what she means and it doesn't seem crazy or unintelligible to me at all Ok , well let me state the obvious then ; A lack of sun -in India ? And yes , we Canadians have completely dropped our fear of Grizzly's as we find ourselves daily boxing ambushing kangaroos... the intense heat is another problem , as the tourist industry has reversed in that all those Florida/Arizona heat-seekers have now come North Cheese, granted , remains a problem . Those giant mosquitoes are something I've yet to see , though swarms would be a bit more accurate . All in all , Shawna has said something completely insane and/or uninformed and , hence , my response . IN YOUR FACE , baby ! Edited September 25, 2009 by Guest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Levis Posted September 25, 2009 Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 It's all in order, Kevs! Lack of sun in Britland, Kangaroos in Australia, intense heat in India, mosquitoes in Africa. Your reading skills need improvement! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted September 25, 2009 Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 Don't call me ' Kevs ' , Lees ... and I would expect better from a prima donna Melbourne student ! Take those earphones out of yer head ,Lees , and read carefully yourself ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted September 25, 2009 Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 Granted , it appears she is addressing each issue one-by-one , but in fact , the question is posed as a collective - which brings MC's already dubious sanity to the floor as well . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Levis Posted September 25, 2009 Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 'Kevz', then? The 'z' is more me, I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
c_s_1987 Posted September 25, 2009 Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 Australians always shorten people's names. Ain't that right, Ra? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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