Random Lists of Random Things

[miamisammy29]

Some of my favorites:

Safety Engineering - Presented to Troy Hurtubise, of North Bay, Ontario, for developing and personally testing a suit of armor that is impervious to grizzly bears.

Meteorology - Presented to Bernard Vonnegut of the State University of New York at Albany, for his report, "Chicken Plucking as Measure of Tornado Wind Speed."

Psychology - Presented to Lee Kuan Yew, former Prime Minister of Singapore, for his thirty-year study of the effects of punishing three million citizens of Singapore whenever they spat, chewed gum, or fed pigeons.

Peace - The Pepsi-Cola Company of the Philippines, for sponsoring a contest to create a millionaire, and then announcing the wrong winning number, thereby inciting and uniting 800,000 riotously expectant winners, and bringing many warring factions together for the first time in their nation's history.

Mathematics - Presented to Robert W. Faid of Greenville, South Carolina, farsighted and faithful seer of statistics, for calculating the exact odds (860,609,175,188, 282,100 to 1) that Mikhail Gorbachev is the Antichrist.

[blind-fitter]

Church of the Subgenius ....

Of the post-modern religions I’m writing about, this is the one with the most richness to it’s background. They have many holidays, including Hate for the Sake of Hating Day and the Feast of Weird Al Yankovic. They have a deity, “Bobâ€, and his wife, Connie, the anti-virgin. They also have a complex religious order, which you can be a part of for a one-time fee of $30.

Bob Barker?

His name is actually Bob Dobbs. His face appeared on posters all around Leeds 6 in the late 80s. You'd see it on T-shirts as well. There was a rogue Subgenius clench in the vicinity, including members of the top indie band CUD, whose single "Slack Time" was a celebration of the Church of The Subgenius (may even have featured Bob Dobbs on the cover, I'm not sure).

I know the conversation has moved on, but I only just noticed this stuff. It's been such a long time since I saw Bob's face. It brings back memories. The crazy times we had!

[miamisammy29]

ALL HAIL BOB!

ALL HAIL BOB!

ALL HAIL BOB!

[skybluesky]

his wife, Connie, the anti-virgin ....

Uh, Sammy, shouldn't you be hailing Connie?

[miamisammy29]

Uh, no. My urologist says I should stay far away from people like Connie.

[skybluesky]

^That is one of my favorite posts ever

[Jenny]

Here's one of my favorites:

Peace - Presented to the Taiwan National Parliament, for demonstrating that politicians gain more by punching, kicking and gouging each other than by waging war against other nations

I would pay to see that.

[MindCrime]

Top 13 Worst Slogan Translations Ever

Sometimes companies can make big, big mistakes when taking their product international and not hiring a quality translator... I wonder if these companies just Babelfished the slogans into another language. Never..trust...babelfish.

13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."

11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

9) Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6) Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

3) The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"

2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn't Go".

1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."

[Farin]

11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

as if "manure stick" wouldn't be bad enough, but "mist stick" sounds very close to the German word "Miststück" which basically means "b*tch" (or lit. "piece of manure")

and wasn't there some car brand name that would translate to "tiny male genitals" in Spanish or Portuguese? can't remember what it was now though

[Shawna]

"piece of manure" and "b*tch" mean the same thing in German, Martin?

[Farin]

yes, but it's almost only used as "b*tch"

(the English word "b*tch" has some other translations as well though)

when you'd refer to a non-person that would deserve such a title you would rather use something like "piece of sh*t"

[Farin]

5 Lies You Were Taught In History Class

[Farin]

101 of the World's Funniest One Liners

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.

3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

6. Never answer an anonymous letter.

7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.

8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.

10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.

11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.

17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

21. Nuke the Whales.

22. Save a tree. Eat a beaver.

23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

30. You can't have everything; where would you put it?

31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

Editorial: Probably the most thought-provoking one-liner is " Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway ." It's sad but true—no matter what you do, you will die. This is because you have sinned against God. Let's see if that's true: Have you ever lied (even once)? Ever stolen (anything)? Jesus said, "Whoever looks upon a woman to lust after her, has committed adultery already with her in his heart." Ever looked with lust? If you have said "Yes" to these three questions, by your own admission, you are a lying, thieving, adulterer at heart; and we've only looked at three of the Ten Commandments. How will you do on Judgment Day? Will you be innocent or guilty? You know that you will be guilty, and end up in Hell. That's not God's will. He provided a way for you to be forgiven. He sent His Son to take your punishment: "God commended His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Jesus then rose from the dead and defeated death. "Repent and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit"—everlasting life. Then read the Bible daily and obey what you read. God will never let you down.

33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

34. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

35. DNA: National Dyslexic Association.

36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

39. DARE to keep cops off donuts.

40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42. Dyslexics of the world, untie!

43. God made mankind. Sin made him evil.

44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

46. Don't steal. The government hates competition.

47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

48. National Atheist's Day April 1st.

49. All generalizations are false.

50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

51. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

52. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

53. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

54. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.

55. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

56. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

57. I can handle pain until it hurts.

58. No matter where you go, you're there.

59. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.

60. It's been Monday all week.

61. Gravity always gets me down.

62. This statement is false.

63. Eschew obfuscation.

64. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.

65. It's bad luck to be superstitious.

66. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

67. The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.

68. Honk if you like peace and quiet.

69. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.

70. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

71. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

72. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

73. A day without sunshine is like, night.

74. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

75. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

76. Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

77. Life is too complicated in the morning.

78. We are all part of the ultimate statistic—ten out of ten die.

79. Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.

80. Ask me about my vow of silence.

81. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

82. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.

83. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

84. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.

85. If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

86. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

87. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

88. I intend to live forever. So far so good.

89. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?

90. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

91. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

92. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

93. I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I

94. I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.

95. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

96. Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."

97. Evolution: True science fiction.

98. What's another word for Thesaurus?

99. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

100. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

101. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.

. . . Don't forget to read the editorial!

[Levis]

On the other hand.... you have different fingers

[Farin]

How 10 American Towns Got Their Weird Names

[MindCrime]

I like the one about Joe, Montana

[Farin]

World's Firsts

[Jenny]

The World's First Novel was written by a woman...I like that!

[TheLizard]

Roentgen made his wife put her hand in front of the X-Ray instead of doing it himself. Can you imagine that conversation?

"Honey, could you come over here and put your hand in front of these mysterious energy beams I've discovered?"

"What?!? Hell no!"

"Come on... it's for science!"

[The Seeker]

That's a really nice site... check out the 20 (?) most amazing coincidences while you're there.

[Farin]

10 (more) Common Misconceptions

[Levis]

I don't understand the mirror one. I'm thinking back to perception in physics and concave and convex lenses/mirrors and virtual and real images etc. what's he on about nothing changes. In the superficial sense, of course the left-right get swapped.

[Farin]

I didn't like the mirror explanation too much either...

first he said it changes "front and back" (??) later it changes nothing at all - right, left, up, down is all the same, and at the end it's like "making a handstand instead of turning around"

[Shawna]

and yet while I understand the whole mirror thing, the amount of typos in that particular one astounded me.

[Farin]

10 Best Comebacks Of All Time

(possibly strong language)