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You know how you browse online and you see these weird lists all over the place...weird things...sayings, top tens.

Well here are some lists i have found, and some random things...

Ten Words that Don't Exist but Should...

Parents need more words to describe the weird things that happen to them on a regular basis. Here are some suggestions.

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus)adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPETUATION (kar pet' u a shun)n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. UNDUST (un dust')n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)n. The act of manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay')n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh)n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. LATTEBLOW (la tay' blow)v. Unintentional expusion of milk through the nose during a laugh.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

New Math...

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997: A company out-sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?

Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?

Just post the random things you see online...

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91 ways to order pizza!

# 1.If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

# 2. Make up a charge card name. Ask if they accept it.

# 3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

# 4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

# 5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

# 6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

# 7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

# 8. Answer their questions with questions.

# 9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

# 10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN and PUCE.

# 11. Ask for a deal available someone else. (e.g. IF phoning Domino's ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

# 12. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

# 13. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

# 14. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

# 15. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask you would you like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

# 16. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

# 17. Make a list of exotic cuisine's. Order them as toppings.

# 18. Change your accent every 3 seconds.

# 19. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

# 20. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere.

# 21. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

# 22. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets"CD.

# 23. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

# 24. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread".

# 25. Stutter on the letter "p".

# 26. Play Mary had a Little Lamb and Hot Cross Buns with the phone, and ask the order taker to stop Pause where there are spaces. Mary had a little lamb 3-2-1-2 3-3-3 2-2-2 3-3-3 3-2-1-2 3-3-3-3 2-2 3-3 1 Hot cross buns 3-2-1 3-2-1 3-3-3-3 2-2-2-2 3-2-1

# 27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK That'll be $10.99; Please pull up to the next window".

# 28. Rent a pizza.

# 29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

# 30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

# 31. Put the accent on the last syllable of pepperoni. Use the long "i" sound.

# 32. Have your pizza "shaken not stirred".

# 33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)?" When they say yes, say "Well, so it is! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

# 34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

# 35. Tell them to double check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

# 36. Imitate the order takers voice.

# 37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

# 38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh you mean now".

# 39. Play a sitar in the background.

# 40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

# 41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

# 42. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

# 43. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

# 44. Try to talk while drinking something.

# 45. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and... action!"

# 46. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

# 47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

# 48. Be vague in your order.

# 49.When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

# 50. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

# 51. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

# 52. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying,"This may be my last entry."

# 53. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

# 54. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

# 55. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

# 56. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

# 57. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

# 58. Engage in some serious swapping.

# 59. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

# 60. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

# 61. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

# 62. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

# 63. Order a steamed pizza.

# 64. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

# 65. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker...

# 66. ...Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

# 67. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

# 68. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

# 69. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

# 70. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

# 71. Put them on hold.

# 72. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

# 73. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

# 74. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

# 75. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

# 76. When you’re given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. " I hate math."

# 77. Haggle.

# 78. Order a one-inch pizza.

# 79. Order term life insurance.

# 80. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

# 81. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

# 82. Order Chinese food.

# 83. Call just to find out what the weather will be like the next day.

# 84. When asked for your phone number, give them theirs.

# 85. SHOUT, whisper, SHOUT, whisper (i.e. I would LIKE a MEDIUM peperoni PIZZA)

# 86. Hack and cough after every three words.

# 87. When they pick up say "That's it! I'm calling the police."

# 88. Breath heavily into the mouth piece, one word every 2 breaths.

# 89. Place a very complicated order, then say "This is (another pizza place's name), right?" When he says "No", say "Oh, nevermind then." And hang up.

# 90. Have someone yelling different toppings from across the room, scratch the order every so often. i.e. You- "topping, topping" Other person- "NO!! topping" You- "Scratch that. Topping, topping." Other person- "NO! I can't eat that! topping" You- "Wait, I guess not. topping, topping."

# 91. Call in and say "I love green peppers, but I can't eat them because..." Make up some sickness or reasons why you can't eat green peppers. Then, explain in detail what happened last time you have them. (barfed out guts, almost died, was rushed to the hospital etc. etc.)

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The Odds

Ever wondered....

Odds that a person between the age of 18 and 29 does NOT read a newspaper regularly: 3 to 1

Odds that an American adult does not want to live to age 120 under any circumstances: 3 to 2

Odds of injury from fireworks: 19,556 to 1

Odds of injury from shaving: 6,585 to 1

Odds of injury from using a chain saw: 4,464 to 1

Odds of injury from mowing the lawn: 3,623 to 1

Odds of fatally slipping in bath or shower: 2,232 to 1

Odds of drowning in a bathtub: 685,000 to 1

Odds of being killed on a 5-mile bus trip: 500,000,000 to 1

Odds of being killed sometime in the next year in any sort of transportation accident: 77 to 1

Odds of being killed in any sort of non-transportation accident: 69 to 1

Odds of being struck by lightning: 576,000 to 1

Odds of being killed by lightning: 2,320,000 to 1

Odds of being murdered: 18,000 to 1

Odds of getting away with murder: 2 to 1

Odds of being the victim of serious crime in your lifetime: 20 to 1

Odds of dating a supermodel: 88,000 to 1

Odds of being considered possessed by Satan: 7,000 to 1

Odds that a first marriage will survive without separation or divorce for 15 years: 1.3 to 1

Odds that a celebrity marriage will last a lifetime: 3 to 1

Odds of getting hemorrhoids: 25 to 1

Odds of being born a twin in North America: 90 to 1

Odds of being on plane with a drunken pilot: 117 to 1

Odds of being audited by the IRS: 175 to 1

Odds of having your identity stolen: 200 to 1

Odds of dating a millionaire: 215 to 1

Odds of dating a supermodel: 88,000 to 1

Odds of writing a New York Times best seller: 220 to 1

Odds of finding out your child is a genius: 250 to 1

Odds of catching a ball at a major league ballgame: 563 to 1

Odds of becoming a pro athlete: 22,000 to 1

Odds of finding a four-leaf clover on first try: 10,000 to 1

Odds of a person in the military winning the Medal of Honor: 11,000 to 1

Odds of winning an Academy Award: 11,500 to 1

Odds of striking it rich on Antiques Roadshow: 60,000 to 1

Odds of getting a royal flush in poker on first five cards dealt: 649,740 to 1

Odds of spotting a UFO today: 3,000,000 to 1

Odds of becoming president: 10,000,000 to 1

Odds of winning the California lottery: 13,000,000 to 1

Odds of becoming a saint: 20,000,000 to 1

Odds of a meteor landing on your house: 182,138,880,000,000 to 1

Chance of an American home having at least one container of ice cream in the freezer: 9 in 10.

Chance of dying from any kind of injury during the next year: 1 in 1,820

Chance of dying from intentional self-harm: 1 in 9,380

Chance of dying from an assault: 1 in 16,421

Chance of dying from a car accident: 1 in 18,585

Chance of dying from any kind of fall: 1 in 20,666

Chance of dying from accidental drowning: 1 in 79,065

Chance of dying from exposure to smoke, fire, and flames: 1 in 81,524

Chance of dying in an explosion: 1 in 107,787

Chance that Earth will experience a catastrophic collision with an asteroid in the next 100 years: 1 in 5,000

Chance of dying in such a collision: 1 in 20,000

Chance of dying from exposure to forces of nature (heat, cold, lightning, earthquake, flood): 1 in 225,107

Chance of dying in an airplane accident: 1 in 354,319

Chance of dying from choking on food: 1 in 370,035

Chance of dying in a terrorist attack while visiting a foreign country: 1 in 650,000

Chance of dying in a fireworks accident: 1 in 1,000,000

Chance of dying from overexertion, travel or privation: 1 in 1,428,377

Chance of dying from food poisoning: 1 in 3,000,000

Chance of dying from legal execution: 1 in 3,441,325

Chance of dying from contact with hot tap water: 1 in 5,005,564

Chance of dying from parts falling off an airplane: 1 in 10,000,000

Chance of dying from ignition or melting of nightwear: 1 in 30,589,556

Chance of dying from being bitten by a dog: 1 in 700,000

Chance of dying from contact with a venomous animal or plant: 1 in 3,441,325

Chance of dying from being bitten or struck by mammals (other than dogs or humans): 1 in 4,235,477

Chance of dying from a mountain lion attack in California: 1 in 32,000,000

Chance of dying from a shark attack: 1 in 300,000,000

Chance of having a stroke: 1 in 6

Chance of dying from heart disease: 1 in 3

Chance of getting arthritis: 1 in 7

Chance of suffering from asthma or allergy diseases: 1 in 6

Chance of getting the flu this year: 1 in 10

Chance of developing schizophrenia: 1 in 00

Chance of contracting the human version of mad cow disease: 1 in 40,000,000

Chance of dying from SARS in the United States: 1 in 100,000,000

Chance of American man developing cancer in his lifetime: 1 in 2

Chance of an American woman developing cancer in her lifetime: 1 in 3

Chance of getting prostate cancer: 1 in 6

Chance of getting breast cancer: 1 in 9

Chance of getting colon / rectal cancer: 1 in 26

Chance of beating pancreatic or liver cancer: 1 in 9

Chance of beating thyroid or testicular cancer: 9 in 10

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and it's by a band called "!!!"... :stars:

but I like this one:

"Dramatic Pause Of Silence To Signify The End Of The Album And Beginning Of Additional Songs Included On The CD To Make People Feel Better About Buying The CD Instead Of The Vinyl Version"

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20 Things You Didn't Know About... Death

Newsflash: we're all going to die. But here are 20 things you didn't know about kicking the bucket.

By LeeAundra Temescu

DISCOVER Vol. 27 No. 09 | September 2006

1 The practice of burying the dead may date back 350,000 years, as evidenced by a 45-foot-deep pit in Atapuerca, Spain, filled with the fossils of 27 hominids of the species Homo heidelbergensis, a possible ancestor of Neanderthals and modern humans.

2 Never say die: There are at least 200 euphemisms for death, including "to be in Abraham's bosom," "just add maggots," and "sleep with the Tribbles" (a Star Trek favorite).

3 No American has died of old age since 1951.

4 That was the year the government eliminated that classification on death certificates.

5 The trigger of death, in all cases, is lack of oxygen. Its decline may prompt muscle spasms, or the "agonal phase," from the Greek word agon, or contest.

6 Within three days of death, the enzymes that once digested your dinner begin to eat you. Ruptured cells become food for living bacteria in the gut, which release enough noxious gas to bloat the body and force the eyes to bulge outward.

7 So much for recycling: Burials in America deposit 827,060 gallons of embalming fluid—formaldehyde, methanol, and ethanol—into the soil each year. Cremation pumps dioxins, hydrochloric acid, sulfur dioxide, and carbon dioxide into the air.

8 Alternatively . . . A Swedish company, Promessa, will freeze-dry your body in liquid nitrogen, pulverize it with high-frequency vibrations, and seal the resulting powder in a cornstarch coffin. They claim this "ecological burial" will decompose in 6 to 12 months.

9 Zoroastrians in India leave out the bodies of the dead to be consumed by vultures.

10 The vultures are now dying off after eating cattle carcasses dosed with diclofenac, an anti-inflammatory used to relieve fever in livestock.

11 Queen Victoria insisted on being buried with the bathrobe of her long-dead husband, Prince Albert, and a plaster cast of his hand.

12 If this doesn't work, we're trying in vitro! In Madagascar, families dig up the bones of dead relatives and parade them around the village in a ceremony called famadihana. The remains are then wrapped in a new shroud and reburied. The old shroud is given to a newly married, childless couple to cover the connubial bed.

13 During a railway expansion in Egypt in the 19th century, construction companies unearthed so many mummies that they used them as fuel for locomotives.

14 Well, yeah, there's a slight chance this could backfire: English philosopher Francis Bacon, a founder of the scientific method, died in 1626 of pneumonia after stuffing a chicken with snow to see if cold would preserve it.

15 For organs to form during embryonic development, some cells must commit suicide. Without such programmed cell death, we would all be born with webbed feet, like ducks.

16 Waiting to exhale: In 1907 a Massachusetts doctor conducted an experiment with a specially designed deathbed and reported that the human body lost 21 grams upon dying. This has been widely held as fact ever since. It's not.

17 Buried alive: In 19th-century Europe there was so much anecdotal evidence that living people were mistakenly declared dead that cadavers were laid out in "hospitals for the dead" while attendants awaited signs of putrefaction.

18 Eighty percent of people in the United States die in a hospital.

19 If you can't make it here . . . More people commit suicide in New York City than are murdered.

20 It is estimated that 100 billion people have died since humans began.

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