Batman Posted April 3, 2006 Report Share Posted April 3, 2006 I found this funny review for an album (I won't say which one) and it lists characteristics of "musical offenders." Enjoy! There are musical offenders out there, and they are everywhere. They're the ones who barked back at "Who Let The Dogs Out." They're the ones who play "Smells Like Teen Spirit" or "Stairway To Heaven" in guitar shops after they've had one guitar lesson. They're the ones who bought the interview-only Britney Spears CD so their collection would be complete - and then made their friends listen to it. They're the ones who think "Stuck In The Middle With You" is not only a Bob Dylan song, but it's his best song. They're the ones who still rush the dance floor to "Billy Jean" as if it has never been done before. They promptly leave when the song is done though. They're the ones who sing karaoke to "Fake Plastic Trees" with their eyes closed and fists clenched. They're the ones who are planning a trip to Las Vegas just to see Celine Dion. They're the ones who claim to "love reggae" even though they've only ever heard Bob Marley's Legend album. They're the ones who got jiggy wit it. They're the ones who buy Eagles or Meatloaf DVDs to play in the background at parties. They're the ones who claim to listen to hundreds of different music genres. Dark metal, speed metal, thrash metal, progressive metal, black metal, Viking metal, glam metal, avante guard metal, stoner metal, melodic death metal, power metal, doom metal, new wave of British heavy metal… They're the ones who let a sticker on the front of a CD that offers a free movie coupon if you buy Hillary Duff actually sway them to buy Hillary Duff. They're the ones who never heard of soul music until they saw Ray. They're the ones who still try to fit into a Great White or a RATT T-shirt from twenty years ago, completely ignoring the fact that they have gained 100 pounds and that their kids would die of embarrassment. They're the ones who play Great White or RATT as they carpool kids to school, completely ignoring the fact that they drive a mini-van and their kids would die of embarrassment. They're the ones who secretly want all the Pearl Jam official bootlegs, not to listen to, but to display. They're the ones who can sit you down and tell you what's wrong with music today with a straight face while their new Rob Thomas CD plays in the background. They're the ones who keep R. Kelly's career going. They're the ones who have the first dance at their wedding to Lonestar's "Amazed." Their Top 5 all time favourite albums (in order) are Revolver, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, Abbey Road, The White Album, and then I guess it's a tie between Rubber Soul, Please Please Me, Let It Be, A Hard Day's Night, and Help! They're the ones who voted Baz Lurhmann's "Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen" as their Grad song. They're the ones who air guitar to Van Halen, whether the music is actually playing or not. Out of millions and millions of bands out there, their favourite band is George Thorogood and the Destroyers. They're the ones who think "Born In The U.S.A." is a patriotic song. They're the ones who only buy music at Wal-Mart. They're the ones who drive a $500 car real slow along the beach (with the windows rolled down) while pumping the latest club single through a $2000 stereo, all the while ignoring all crosswalks, traffic signs, noise pollution by-laws and common standards of good taste. They're the ones who think Will Smith is "old school." They're the ones who would 'word it up' to "Here Comes The Hotstepper." They're the ones who only know Willie Nelson because of his duet with Toby Keith. They're the ones who hum Broadway show tunes in a crowded elevator. Lord knows how they do it, but they're the ones who feel empowered by the songs of Shania Twain. They're the ones who think Bon Jovi is "grunge" or "alternative." They're the ones who own a "traditional Irish pub" and still only play Nelly Furtado and Jay-Z in said pub. They're the ones who do another cover of "Yesterday." They're the ones who get $50 allowance a week from their suburbanite parents, but think a D12 album makes them gangsta. They're the ones who write terrible poetry on their Blogs about girls who don't like them or cute boys who play in an emo band - all the while listening to Good Charlotte. They're the ones who are, like, totally down with J-Lo. And not just as like a totally good singer and performer and actor, but also as an artist. They're the ones who still know all the words to "Ice Ice Baby" and consistently bust it out at any informal get-together. They're the ones who can still name at least 3 McMaster and James songs. They're the ones who lit a candle to Nirvana's MTV Unplugged and kept it burning for at least 11 months. They're the ones who sang that 'Cherry Cola' line from Savage Garden's "I Want You" over and over and over and over again. They're the ones who ripped on N'Sync but party to Justin Timberlake. They're the ones who listen to Faith Hill because 'she's hot.' They're the ones who instantly get offended or outright scared at the mention of the word "jazz." They're the ones who keep their music collection in Alphabetical order, from AC/DC to Anthrax. They're the ones who say they "hate country" and/or "hate rap" even though they have never heard those genres outside of popular radio. They're the ones who did "The Hamster Dance." They're the ones who prefer "Sweet Home Alabama" to "Southern Man." They're the ones who want to hear more from Chris Gaines. They're the ones who engraved their name on the bottom of their CDs, so no one could steal them (I know someone who did this). They're the ones who use "Madonna" and "musical genius" in the same sentence without being negative or sarcastic. They're the ones who have a CD collection worth $40 tops, but they have a $600 iPod. They're the ones whose favourite songs include commercial jingles and cell phone ring tones. They're the ones who actually think world peace can be achieved if everyone in the world would just listen to "Imagine." They're the ones who live in the dorm next to you, and play Dark Side of The Moon all the gawddamn time. Remember that crappy song Adam Sandler performed on The Wedding Singer? He was on the airplane and he borrowed Billy Idols guitar and then did a song about how he'd love to grow old with Drew Barrymore. They're the ones who love that song. They're the ones that write off every single song from the 1980s as crap that they never want to hear again. They also just so happen to listen to R.E.M. They're the ones you overhear talking about the great lyrics in the latest Jo-Dee Messina, Rascal Flats, Gretchen Wilson, or Tim McGraw song. They're the ones who own Elton John's Candle In The Wind CD single. They're the ones who know a dozen alternate endings to the song "Happy Birthday." hahahaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batman Posted April 3, 2006 Author Report Share Posted April 3, 2006 Feel free to add your own! Here's one I thought of: They're the ones who dismiss electronica as a genre because to make it, "all you have to do is press a button." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewYorkMets9 Posted April 3, 2006 Report Share Posted April 3, 2006 These two are stupid: Their Top 5 all time favourite albums (in order) are Revolver, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, Abbey Road, The White Album, and then I guess it's a tie between Rubber Soul, Please Please Me, Let It Be, A Hard Day's Night, and Help! Out of millions and millions of bands out there, their favourite band is George Thorogood and the Destroyers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucky Posted April 3, 2006 Report Share Posted April 3, 2006 These two are stupid: Their Top 5 all time favourite albums (in order) are Revolver, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, Abbey Road, The White Album, and then I guess it's a tie between Rubber Soul, Please Please Me, Let It Be, A Hard Day's Night, and Help! Out of millions and millions of bands out there, their favourite band is George Thorogood and the Destroyers. No, you don't agree with those two. They are opinions. I have to admit to commiting a couple of the offenses. Just not the "stupid" ones... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheTallOne Posted April 3, 2006 Report Share Posted April 3, 2006 They're the ones who get $50 allowance a week from their suburbanite parents, but think a D12 album makes them gangsta. They're the ones who write terrible poetry on their Blogs about girls who don't like them or cute boys who play in an emo band - all the while listening to Good Charlotte. They're the ones who keep their music collection in Alphabetical order, from AC/DC to Anthrax. These are my favorites HAHAHAHAHA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ken Posted April 3, 2006 Report Share Posted April 3, 2006 No, really, what's wrong with George Thorogood? I was really enjoying that until the Thorogood crack.... Ken. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewYorkMets9 Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 No, you don't agree with those two. They are opinions. I have to admit to commiting a couple of the offenses. Just not the "stupid" ones... They're stupid because they don't really make much sense. Nobody in their right mind would say the Beatles aren't great, so what would be so 'offensive' about someone liking their albums so much? Same with Thorogood. I've never seen GT&TD made fun of or described as a particularly cheesy band. Everything else describes something that's obviously dumb, ironic or tacky. These just don't add up the same way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batman Posted April 4, 2006 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 It's because they're overly obsessed with one band, I'm assuming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewYorkMets9 Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 It's because they're overly obsessed with one band, I'm assuming. I guess that's a nearly acceptable answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batman Posted April 4, 2006 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 Hey, it's not my opinion, it's their's. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
invisible_r Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 probably because it would show that you are not open-minded about music, and all you like is the beatles Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edna Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 Hello, Rachel! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nobody_home Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 They're the ones who buy Eagles or Meatloaf DVDs to play in the background at parties. Haha, I did that. The Eagles Hell Freezes Over DVD. Didn't exactly buy it for that reason, but have played at as background music/video at parties. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 Apparently I'm a musical offender. Here are the reasons you should bite me if you don't like it. By you, I mean a general you, not Batman. They're the ones who got jiggy wit it. Bite me, at the time you couldn't escape it. They're the ones who have the first dance at their wedding to Lonestar's "Amazed. This isn't necessarily true, but I think that's a pretty song, so bite me. They're the ones who would 'word it up' to "Here Comes The Hotstepper." Bite me, that was the jam back in the day. They're the ones who hum Broadway show tunes in a crowded elevator. What's wrong with sharing a rousing chorus of "I Feel Pretty" with a crowd of strangers? Bite me. They're the ones who still know all the words to "Ice Ice Baby" and consistently bust it out at any informal get-together. Stop, collaborate and listen/Ice is back with a brand new invention...okay, that's all I remember, but bite me anyway. They're the ones who actually think world peace can be achieved if everyone in the world would just listen to "Imagine." What's wrong with a little cockeyed optimism? Bite me peacefully. Remember that crappy song Adam Sandler performed on The Wedding Singer? He was on the airplane and he borrowed Billy Idols guitar and then did a song about how he'd love to grow old with Drew Barrymore. They're the ones who love that song. Never was there a more romantic lyric than "Even let you hold the remote control." Bite me sweetly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ken Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 If there was an official Peachy fan club 'n stuff, I'd be the president. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 There is and you are, baby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 Is it a musical offense to yell: "Hey hey what get laid, get Fu**ed" in between the verses of Billy Idol's version of Mony, Mony? Is it also an offense to yell along to "The roof, the roof, the roof in on fire...we don't need no water.."? If so, then half of the people I went to High School with are guilty (not me, of course ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ken Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 WHAT is with that "Mony Mony" thing? Seriously. I thought that was one of those 'local' things. We were at a family wedding, and it started. My Mom, she leans over, "Kenny, what are they yelling?"... "Uh, Mom, well, get laid get f***ed". ........... "Oh.... Tell your father." Ken. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Levis Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 i love them (almost) all. A number of people come to mind. I'll add one They're the ones who have no trouble shifting from the Goo Goo Dolls to the Pussycat Dolls Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daslied Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 I'm going to get killed for this, but I can't stop myself: They're the girls who rush to the dance floor screaming "Oh, that's my song" when "Brown-Eyed Girl" comes on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Levis Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 If you're gonna get killed, it's not going to be by my hands! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweet Jane 61 Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 And that is probably because some guy told her that it is her song in "the moment" to get what he wanted...not you Das, but some guys out there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 I'm going to get killed for this, but I can't stop myself: They're the girls who rush to the dance floor screaming "Oh, that's my song" when "Brown-Eyed Girl" comes on. and I quote Peaches "Bite Me"..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweet Jane 61 Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 They're the ones who have a CD collection worth $40 tops, but they have a $600 iPod. Yes this is a true offender and they probably don't even know what an album is either!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 I'm going to get killed for this, but I can't stop myself: They're the girls who rush to the dance floor screaming "Oh, that's my song" when "Brown-Eyed Girl" comes on. I have done that to worse, but I did drag my husband out to the floor at our wedding to dance to Moondance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Please sign in to comment
You will be able to leave a comment after signing in
Sign In Now