The Jokes Thread - Relaunched

[Jenny]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With

some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared

to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared,'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a

large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mum,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father

[Jenny]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from

Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman..

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

[Uncle Joe]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence..

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

[edna]

[Brad_M]

An Amish Boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an overweight, old lady approached the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened up and the lady entered the small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small, circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous young blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son: "Go get your mother."

[Steel2Velvet]

Though a young man of 38, Teresa's husband lie on his deathbed. From his withering appearance it is obvious he is not long for this world.

While their 4 children weep in chairs surrounding the bed, he motions to his beautiful wife to come closer, closer to his bluish lips. "One thing I must know before I go," he whispers into her ear through much effort on his part, "The last of our children, little Pablo, he just doesn't look like all the others; is he really my child? Is he really of my seed?"

"Absolutely!" answers the wife with a look which is a cross between innocence and indignation.

Once more the husband implores weakly, "But he seems so very different from the rest. Are you sure he is ours?"

"You may rest in peace that he is your son; flesh of your flesh, bone of your bone," the saintly wife comforts through clear, resolute eyes.

As if released from some haunting mystery, the husband presses back into the mattress and serenely dies.

Almost in relief, the wife looks toward the ceiling and says softly, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other 3 kids!"

[MindCrime]

I thought this was going to be funny, but it's actually quite sad

[Rayzor]

Hilarious!!

[edna]

Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded.

'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?'

[Steel2Velvet]

[Rayzor]

[_Laurie_]

[_Laurie_]

An elderly man was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her young son.

Her boy kept looking around and making weird funny faces at him.

After a few minutes he got tired of his antics so the man said, "When I was a young boy

my mother told me that if I made an ugly face it just might stay that way."

The little bugger replied, "Well, you can't say you weren't warned."

[Brad_M]

It took Laurie a while to get that one.

[_Laurie_]

[Shawna]

I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice draft beers. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home.

Sure enough, I passed a police road block, but since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my driveway.

[Rayzor]

[MindCrime]

Were you picking up passengers along the way Shawna? I remember riding with somebody like that before

[edna]

[Farin]

Why did the Hipster burn his tongue?

...

Because he drank his coffee before it was cool!

click

[Shawna]

[Rayzor]

lame dude

[Brad_M]

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class.

On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.

The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella in green.

However, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red.

After seeing this, the teacher asked him:

"Bobby, how many times have you seen a red duck?"

Young Bobby replied with, "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

[Brad_M]

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin alright"

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your Horse?"

Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"

Horse: "Cool."

Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your Sheep?"

Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)......

"Th-Th-Them sheep ain't n-n-nothin but liars!!!"

[Rayzor]