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Random SNL skits from the past


Mike

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But I have to say that one of the funniest skits ever was when Jon Lovitz played Lucifer on "The People's Court". Lucifer was being sued for breaking a contract by a white trash teenager named Vonda (Rosanna Arquette) and her slutty mother (Jan Hooks). Phil Hartman was absolute f***ing hilarious as Judge Wapner!

You can see this one on the "Halloween Special" every year.

:afro: :afro: :afro: :jester: :jester: :rockon: :rockon: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

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The best commercials they ever did:

1. Happy Fun Ball

2. Oops! I Crapped My Pants

3. The Change Bank

4. The one with the viking toy that sprayed red goo all over the place.

5. The one with the baby jesus decoration that made a horrible, incessant whining sound really loudly.

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Little Chocolate Donuts

Anouncer.....Marv Albert

.....John Belushi

[ open to John Belushi preparing to do the Olympic high jump ]

Announcer: John Belushi is on his way to a gold medal in the Decathlon! They're setting the bar at seven feet - here's his approach..

[ John Belushi runs toward the bar. Quick cut to John jumping over the top of the bar. Quick cut to John landing on the grass. ]

Announcer: He got it! Belushi's won the gold, now he's going for the world's record!

[ cut to John Belushi running long-distance sprint and winning, as his fans crowd around him ]

[ cut to John at home ]

John Belushi: [ seated at breakfast table smoking a cigarette ] I logged a lot of miles training for that day. And I downed a lot of doughnuts. Little Chocolate Donuts. They taste good, and they've got the sugar I need to get me going in the morning. That's why Little Chocolate Donuts have been on my training table since I was a kid.

[ cut to John Belushi going for the gold in the javelin toss ]

Announcer: Little Chocolate Donuts. The donuts of champions.

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When Derek Jeter was guest host, they had him on point-counterpoint with Seth Meyers, a huge fan of the 2004 World Champion Boston Red Sox (at the time the hopeless loser Boston Red Sox). The topic:

Derek Jeter sucks, no he doesn't.

This is how I remember it:

Jeter: I play hard every day and have been very successful in helping my team win.

Seth: You Suck.

Jeter: I hit over .300 last year with great power numbers while playing solid defense. Since winning the Rookie Of The Year, I've performed quite well.

Seth: You Suck.

Jeter: I've won 4 world series the last 5 five years.

Seth: You Suck.

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Musical interlude part two!

Hit it, Garret!

"Gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whiteys I see

Gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whiteys I see

When I kill all the whiteys I see, then whitey, he won't

bother me...........

Gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whiteys I see!"

HAH-AAHAHAHAHA...

Yortuk Festrunk: Oh, Georg my brother, there will certainly be a lot of swinging in our bachelor pad tonight!

Georg Festrunk: [ laughing and swinging ] Hold it! Let's catch some rays!

Yortuk Festrunk: You and what Army! [ they both laugh and swing ] Forget about it! [ they swing-motion towards their wet bar ] Ah, that fox bar was really something tonight. It was no difficulty to see many swinging Americans enjoying each other a great deal.

Georg Festrunk: And here is a thing I will tell you: that two swinging foxes have the hots-on for us, and are coming here tonight to let us hold on to their big American breasts!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ pours some drinks ] Why not? There's nothing preventing them. After all, there is no other pair of Czech brothers who cruise and swing so successfuly in tight slacks!

Georg Festrunk: [ sips his drink and toasts Yortuk ] We are.. two wild and crazy guys!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ walks into the living room ] Oh, no.. our bachelor pad certainly is messed around. Soon, will be the foxes. Where is the portable floor vacuum that we brought with us from Czechoslavakia?

Georg Festrunk: Wait here now, and you'll find out! [ he wheels out the oversized industrial floor vacuum - Yortuk sucks up everything lying on their coffee table ] This floor vacuum is such a wonderful household convenience that we've wanted for many years!

Yortuk Festrunk: Yes! Usually, in Czechoslavakia, only high party officials of the Communist Party can get them right away!

Georg Festrunk: I'm glad we were able to smuggle it out of Bratislava!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Fox-es! [ they put the vacuum away and swing successfully to the front door to answer it - no foxes, just their neighbor Cliff ] Cliff? Look who it is standing here, our swinging American buddy, Cliff.

Georg Festrunk: Slap my hand, black soul man! [ extends his hand, Cliff slaps it ]

Cliff: [ extends his hand for a slap back, but Georg is mesmorized staring at his own slapped hand ] Uh, hi Georg, hi Yortuk. Hey, man, I was invited to this really hot party tonight. Do you guys wanna go?

Yortuk Festrunk: No way! That's your funeral! [ laughs ]

Georg Festrunk: Don't come crawling to us. Two hot fashion models from the fox bar will be here soon to give themselves to the Festrunk Brothers!

Cliff: [ perplexed ] You.. got two ladies coming here tonight? I don't believe it.

Georg Festrunk: We cruised for them in our tight slacks which give us great bulges!

Cliff: Wait a minute.. if these chicks were so interested, why didn't they just come back with you, man?

Yortuk Festrunk: Oh, we gave them the address to our bachelor pad. They had to go to the Statue of Liberty to pick up their birth control devices.

Cliff: Uh, what..? The Statue of Liberty..?

Georg Festrunk: They told us that in America, many American park rangers distribute birth control devices.

Yortuk Festrunk: Poor foxes. Every time they are having sex, they must go to the closest national monument.

Cliff: O-kay.. Yortuk, George.. sit down for a minute, I've got to talk to you. [ they all sit down on the couch ] Now, these chicks.. are not going to show up.

Yortuk Festrunk: Who told you that?!

Cliff: Man, you guys have been hosed, baby.

Georg Festrunk: [ excited ] Hosed?! Count me in! [ he and Yortuk laugh ]

Cliff: No, no, no, no.. Uh.. hosed.. tricked.. I mean, they stood you up, man. They're not coming here. These ladies figured, "Hey, we got these two Czechoslavakian dudes trying to pick us up - what do they know? Let's hose 'em." These chicks were lying, man.

Georg Festrunk: [ sad ] I blame myself.

Yortuk Festrunk: This really bums me out.

Georg Festrunk: We sure have a drag.

Cliff: Hey, look.. you're good guys, man. But sometimes you come on too strong, man. Now, when we're out partying, if you want to score with girls, you can't keep running around yelling.. [ stands up and imitates the brothers ] .."Let's swi-i-ing! You wanna swi-i-ing?" Man, you gotta be cool, man! You're in America! This is America!

Yortuk Festrunk: Cliff, you're standing on the base now. Tonight, we did not swing successfully. I'm gonna talk with my brother Georg. [ they communicate for a moment in their native language ] Cliff, we have decided the Festrunk Brothers do not cruise correctly for fozes.

Georg Festrunk: We will never swing again..

Cliff: Look, come on, you guys.. now, look, don't take it so hard. Let's go to that party, man!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Who can this be?

Georg Festrunk: Someone for Cliff..

[ they move slowly to the door, barely swinging - but it's the foxes ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Now are the foxes!!

Georg Festrunk: Hey, foxes! Clean up your act! [ the brothers laugh ]

Fox #1: Hi, Yortuk. Hi, Georg. Sorry we're late.

Yortuk Festrunk: No hassles, man. Hey! Listen to Georg's joke!

Georg Festrunk: Okay! [ to Fox #2 ] "How many astro-sign medallions can you wear?"

Fox #2: I don't know, I..

Georg Festrunk: "Next time, try five of them!" [ the brothers laugh ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Let's go, chicks! Le-e-et's swing!

[ they swing towards the bedroom - Georg notices Cliff still sitting on the couch ]

Georg Festrunk: It's okay, Cliff. Many American girls enjoy you, too. They enjoy your protruding buttocks all the time!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ at the wet bar with the girls ] So get off my back, you big sex machine! Let's get it on!

Georg Festrunk: So, now you know. We are.. two wild and crazy guys!

[ fade out ]

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Jimmy Fallon: Earlier this week, the Rev. Jesse Jackson announced that he had been invited to meet with Afghan Taliban rulers as a possible mediator in the tense standoff over Osama Bin Laden. One of the more bizarre elements of this news is that there is some confusion over who initiated the invite. Here to explain it, the Rev. Jesse Jackson.

Jesse Jackson: Thank you, Jimmy. Thank you, Tina. And thank you, America. For the record, I did not contact the Taliban; they, in fact, contacted me. What happened was this: I had a hang-up on my machine, so I star-sixty-nined, and they said, "Hello?" And I said, "Who is this?" And they said, "Who is this?" And I said, "You called me." And they said, "You called us." And I said, "I star-sixty-nined you!" They admitted it was the Taliban. Then I had a great laugh over what transpired. I immediately called the appropriate people in Washington, D.C., let them know I'd been contacted by the Taliban first. I then called my friend Gary to tell them how weird it was that the Taliban called. I pushed the redial button by mistake. I accidentally got the Taliban. At first, Jimmy, I thought it was my friend Gary being funny.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah! You would.. you would think that!

Jesse Jackson: Because he was like, "Agga gaga"

Jimmy Fallon: That sounds like Gary!

Jesse Jackson: But then I realized it was the Taliban. It was not my friend Gary. So I jokingly said, "Come, Mr. Taliban, Tali-me banana." After that, it was a very uncomfortable moment.

Jimmy Fallon: I can see why!

Jesse Jackson: They said they were on the other line, they had to take that call. And we played phone tag over the next few days. I left several messages on their machine, suggesting we get together and talk - which had been their idea in the first place. Finally, a spokesman for the Taliban at the Afghan embassy in Pakistan called me and told me to stop calling. Which I took to mean that I would be welcome to come over and broker a deal. Once again, I called the relevant parties in Washington, they said they would be happy to send me to Afghanistan - I could even take comedian Bill Mahar with me. They even had a specific cave we could wait in until they dropped us a message. Jimmy.. Tina.. I anxiously awaited my opportunity to help in a time of crisis.

Jimmy Fallon: I appreciate that. Jesse Jackson, everyone. [ noticing his combed hair on the monitor ] What is going on with my hair, for heaven's sake?

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The best commercials they ever did:

...4. The one with the viking toy that sprayed red goo all over the place.

Big Red

"He's Big Big Big!

and He's Red Red Red!

And that's how he got

to earn the name Big Red!

Big Red!" "

Caution: May irriate the skin.

Big Red, by Bleego, makers of Termite Town.

Clean-up kit sold separately.

A couple of my favorites are 'Yard-A-Pault' and 'Schmidt's Gay Beer'.

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