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Random SNL skits from the past


Mike

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Dan Aykroyd: Hello. I'm "Weekend Update" Station Manager Dan Aykroyd. This week, the Shah of Iran declared martial law, in an attempt to put a stop to the violent writing which has paralyzed his country. The Shah is the subject of tonight's "Point/Counterpoint". Jane will take the Anti-Shah Point, and I will take the Pro-Shah Counterpoint. Jane?

Jane Curtin: Dan, I know exactly what you're going to say: "Jane, you ignorant slut! The Shah is our friend, he sent us oil during the 70's re-embargo. He's a fighter against Communism." Maybe so, Dan, but what happened to the human rights you scream about every time a Saranski gets sentenced to some Soviet jail? Why is it wrong to torture a dissident and freezing Siberian Goulag, but okay to wire a leftist student's genitals in a baking Tehran dungeon? I only hope that someday someone wires your genitals, Dan. Then you'll be singing a different tune!

Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you poor, misguided scrag! Sure, the Shah's a jerk, but he's all we've got! Just look at the map. To the north, the Soviet Union; to the east and west, Afghanistan and Iraq. Both leftist radical states; and in the south, the Persian Gulf. Any idiot can see that Iran would be a prized stepping stone in an eventual Soviet takeover of the world. And when that happens, Jane, those Cossacks will be coming over here with their broom handle, and we'll see how you'll feel then! Of course, you'd probably love it, you ignorant slut!

Jane Curtin: That's the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

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Ah Gilda, I miss you still....

Chevy: Weekend Update recognizes its obligation to present the responsible opposing viewpoint to our Editorials. Here with an Editorial Reply is Miss Emily Litella.

Emily: Whats all this fuss I keep hearing about violins on television? Now why don't parents want their children to see violins on television? Why, I thought the Leonard Burnstein concerts were just lovely. Now, if they only show the violins after 11:00 at night, the little babies will all be asleep. And they wont learn any music appreciation. Why, they'll end up wanting to play guitar, and bongo drums. And go to Africa and join these rock and roll outfits. And they wont drink milk! (Slams fist on desk.) I say there should be more violins on television! (Chevy taps her on the shoulder.) and less game shows! Its terrible! the way they...what, what?!

Chevy: Miss. Litella, that was violence on television. Not violins. Violence.

Emily: Oh, well thats different.

Chevy: Yes.

Emily smiling: Nevermind

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Jane Curtin: This past Thursday was the Great American Smoke Out, a day that everyone in America was encouraged to stop smoking cigarettes for a twenty-four hour period. Here to comment further is Update health correspondent, Roseanne Roseannadanna.

[Applause as we pan over to Roseanne Roseannadanna, a loud Latino woman who chews gum and has a lot of frizzy hair.]

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane! Thanks a lot! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey writes in and says: "Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna, Last Thursday, I quit smokin'. Now, I'm depressed, I gained weight, my face broke out, I'm nauseous, I'm constipated, my feet swelled, my gums are bleedin', my sinuses are clogged, I got heartburn, I'm cranky and I have gas. ... What should I do?" ... Mr. Feder, you sound like a real attractive guy! ... You belong in New Jersey! ... [applause]

But I know exactly what you're goin' through 'cause once, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, quit smokin'. And to get back in shape, I had to join one of those fancy-shmancy health clubs. You know, the ones where it's real expensive to join but it's worth it, 'cause you get to see a lot o' people that you don't know naked! ... Like, some people got those bulgy-bulgy thighs, the ones that get chafed just 'cause they're always scrapin' against each other. ... And there's other people there that got these funny belly buttons. Like, some go in and some go out or it's like a hole or it curls around or it's like a little knob on it, like a door. ... Some of them got a little piece of their sweater still in it! ... Some of 'em look like a little star or a shell or a clam. Or some, you don't what they are! ... But, personally, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, don't like to walk around with no clothes in front of other people! Not that I don't got a great body. ... But why should I waste it on a bunch of fat ladies in a health club?

Anyway, they got this sauna there which is a little hot room where you go to sweat like a pig. ... So, I go in there but before I sit down, I put this clean towel on the bench 'cause there's a lot of people in there and you don't know where they been! ... So, listen to this. Who do you think is sitting next to me but Dr. Joyce Brothers! ... That very smart pixie lady who thinks she knows everything. But what this nude psychologist doesn't know is that she had this little teeny tiny ball o' sweat right here, hangin' off the tip of her nose! ... It was just hangin' there! It wouldn't fall off! ... Like, if she turned her head, it didn't fall off, if she stood up, it didn't fall off, she scratched, it didn't fall off, and when she picked a little piece of sweater out of her belly button, it didn't fall off! ... That little sweat ball just wouldn't fall off! ... So I yelled at her. I said, "Hey! Doctor! Flick that sweat ball off your nose! ... What are ya tryin' to do? Make me sick?!" She--

Jane Curtin: Roseanne!

Roseanne Roseannadanna: What? What?

Jane Curtin: [coolly] What do health clubs, sweat and saunas have to do with cigarettes?

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane. It just goes to show ya! It's always somethin'! If it's not one thing, it's another! Either you smoke or you have a sweat ball hangin' off your nose! ... It's just like the song we used to sing on Thanksgiving when I was a little girl. Everybody would come over to my house lookin' all pretty and cute and everything. My mother would make a turkey with stuffing and for dessert we'd have the traditional Banana Roseannadanna cake. ... Before we ate, we'd bow our heads. [to Jane, who merely stares at her in disgust] Bow your head, Jane. Come on, bow your little head. Come on. Jane, bow your head. Bow your head now. ... [Jane reluctantly bows her head] We'd bow our heads and we'd all sing.

[singing]

We gather together to ask the Lord's blessing

Please look down upon the Roseannadanna household

Bring peace to our fathers, good health to our mothers

And please don't make me sweat like Dr. Joyce Brothers! ...

[Jane's head pops up, wide-eyed with disgust]

Roseanne Roseannadanna: [cheerily] Amen!

Jane Curtin: That's the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow

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"And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, it is the distinct pleasure of the management to present to you the evenings star attraction. Here they are! Back! After their exclusive three year tour of Europe, Scandinavia, and the sub-continent. Won't you welcome, from Calumet City, Illinois, the show band, of Joliet Jake, and Elwood Blues. The Blues Brothers!".

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starwarsbillmurray1ua.jpg

Hey, wait a minute! This is the Nick "Winters" show, and I do the entertaining, thank you! Let's go out with something really hot for these folks, alright? A big hit on the '77.

[ singing ] "Ah.. Star Wars! Nothing but Star Wars! Gimme those Star Wars.. don't let them end! Ah.. Star Wars! If they should bar wars.. please let these Star Wars stay-ay! And, hey! How about that nutty Star Wars bar? Can you forget all those creatures in there? And, hey! Darth Vader in that black and evil mask - did he scare you as much as he scared me-e-e-e?"

[ turns and screams when he finds Paul the Pianist wearing a Darth Vader mask ] My seventh winter up here! [ singing ] "Star Wars-s-s-s!"

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This was so cutting edge when it was aired it was unbelieveable. This is from a time when SNL was actually cool and cared about pushing the envelope. Howard Stern WISHES he could be this shocking and funny...

Racist Word Association Interview

Interviewer.....Chevy Chase

Mr. Wilson.....Richard Pryor

Interviewer: Alright, Mr. Wilson, you've done just fine on the Rorshact.. your papers are in good order.. your file's fine.. no difficulties with your motor skills.. And I think you're probably ready for this job. We've got one more psychological test we always do here. It's just a Word Association. I'll throw you out a few words - anything that comes to your mind, just throw back at me, okay? It's kind of an arbitrary thing. Like, if I say "dog", you'd say..?

Mr. Wilson: "Tree".

Interviewer: "Tree". [ nods head, prepares the test papers ] "Dog".

Mr. Wilson: "Tree".

Interviewer: "Fast".

Mr. Wilson: "Slow".

Interviewer: "Rain".

Mr. Wilson: "Snow".

Interviewer: "White".

Mr. Wilson: "Black".

Interviewer: "Bean".

Mr. Wilson: "Pod".

Interviewer: [ casually ] "Negro".

Mr. Wilson: "Whitey".

Interviewer: "Tarbaby".

Mr. Wilson: [ silent, sure he didn't hear what he thinks he heard ] What'd you say?

Interviewer: [ repeating ] "Tarbaby".

Mr. Wilson: "Ofay".

Interviewer: "Colored".

Mr. Wilson: "Redneck".

Interviewer: "Junglebunny".

Mr. Wilson: [ starting to get angry ] "Peckerwood!"

Interviewer: "Burrhead".

Mr. Wilson: [ defensive ] "Cracker!"

Interviewer: [ aggressive ] "Spearchucker".

Mr. Wilson: "White trash!"

Interviewer: "Jungle Bunny!"

Mr. Wilson: [ upset ] "Honky!"

Interviewer: "Spade!

Mr. Wilson: [ really upset ] "Honky Honky!"

Interviewer: [ relentless ] "Ni***r!"

Mr. Wilson: [ immediate ] "Dead honky!" [ face starts to twitch ]

Interviewer: [ quickly wraps the interview up ] Okay, Mr. Wilson, I think you're qualified for this job. How about a starting salary of $5,000?

Mr. Wilson: Your momma!

Interviewer: [ fumbling ] Uh.. $7,500 a year?

Mr. Wilson: Your grandmomma!

Interviewer: [ desperate ] $15,000, Mr. Wilson. You'll be the highest paid janitor in America. Just, don't.. don't hurt me, please..

Mr. Wilson: Okay.

Interviewer: [ relieved ] Okay.

Mr. Wilson: You want me to start now?

Interviewer: Oh, no, no.. that's alright. I'll clean all this up. Take a couple of weeks off, you look tired.

[ fade ]

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Mrs. Loopner: Oh, Lisa, you look so lovely.

Lisa Loopner: Thanks, Mom.

Mrs. Loopner: Now, before Todd gets here to take you to the Prom, I thought we'd take a moment to have a little heart-to-heart. You know, just mother to daughter.

Lisa Loopner: Okee-dokee.

[ they sit on the couch ]

Mrs. Loopner: Lisa, you've blossomed into quite a beauty. You know, sometimes when we go to the Shop-Rite, I see the checkers staring at you..

Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mom, that's just your imagination!

Mrs. Loopner: No, Lisa. You're not a little girl anymore, and you have to be aware of the effect you have on the male of the species. Now, take Todd, for instance. When that perfectly nice young man sets his eyes on you in that get-up, his hormones are gonna go berserk.

Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mo-o-o-om, I don't like Todd in that way!

Mrs. Loopner: Well, you don't have to like someone to love them, Lisa. Your father.. the late Mr. Loopner..

Together: God rest his soul..

Mrs. Loopner: ..your father and I never liked each other. But our love triumphed over our mutual dislike - I did my wifely duty, and you're the living proof of that!

Lisa Loopner: Mom, you don't have to worry about me going all the way with Todd. I'm saving myself for my one true love - Marvin Hamlisch.

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, he's cute. Now, listen, what I'm about to say is very hard for me to say. Lisa, dear.. making a baby is like.. it's um.. it's like making egg salad. You, the woman, produce the eggs, and the man furnishes the mayonnaisse - of course, you don't need chopped celery for.. oh, I've just given you my egg salad recipe, and I was saving that for your 21st birthday..

Lisa Loopner: Mom, I know the facts of life! You know, I got an A in Health! [ doorbell rings ] Oh! It's him!

Mrs. Loopner: [ checks her watch ] Well, half an hour early - on the button. That's our Todd!

Lisa Loopner: Mom! Don't let him in until I get upstairs!

Mrs. Loopner: Okay.

[ Lisa runs upstairs, as Mrs. Loopner answers the door to let Todd and Mr. DilaMuca inside ]

Todd: Heh-lo, Mrs. Loop-ner. You've met my chauffeur - Marshall "Dad" DiLaBounta.

Mrs. Loopner: Hello, Marshall!

Mr. DiLaBounta: Always a pleasure, Enid!

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, don't we look handsome, Todd!

Todd: Thank you, Mrs. Loop-ner.

Mr. DiLaBounta: [ striking a disco pose ] John Travolta, watch out! [ laughs ]

[ the three of them sit ]

Mr. DiLaBounta: So. Where's the Belle of the Ball?

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, she's upstairs making herself beautiful!

[ Lisa enters ]

Mr. DiLaBounta: Va-va-va-boom!

Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Mr. Di-La-Bounta!

Todd: Well, since we seem to be handing out compliments.. that's a stunning housecoat you're wearing, Mrs. Loopner.

Mrs. Loopner: Why, thank you, Todd!

Mr. DiLaBounta: It's not hard to see where Lisa gets her good looks!

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, flattery will get you everywhere, but don't let my daughter here you say that! Can I get anyone a beverage? Marshall, would you come out and help me?

Mr. DiLaBounta: Oh, sure.. let's us old fogies leave the young folks alone!

[ they both laugh as they retreat to the kitchen. Todd and Lisa sit on the couch. ]

Todd: Well.. you look nice, I guess..

Lisa Loopner: So do you.

To

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One of my favorites was the Olympic cafe and and their simple menu...

Male Customer #2: [ sitting down, spots Nico and makes his order ] I'll have a couple of eggs, and sausage - is that link sausage or patty? [ Nico nods ] Link? [ Nico nods ] Link? [ Nico nods ] Uh, link sausage, a large orange juice, and coffee.

Nico Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger?

Male Customer #2: No, I don't want a cheeseburger. Eggs, couple of eggs.. [ Nico nods ] ..eggs.. [ Nico nods ] Do you speak English? [ Nico nods ] Eggs, couple of eggs, over lightly, with sausage.. cafe.. cafe..

Pete Dionasopolis: [ interrupting ] No, no, no, no, no eggs - cheeseburger!

Male Customer #2: When do you stop serving breakfast?

Pete Dionasopolis: Now. No breakfast.

Male Customer #2: No breakfast?

Pete Dionasopolis: Nope.

Male Customer #2: I just want a couple of eggs.

Pete Dionasopolis: No breakfast! Cheeseburger!

Male Customer #2: Shut up! I don't want a cheeseburger!

Pete Dionasopolis: Come on, come on, come on - don't give me that. Come on, let's go, let's go, we gotta have turnover! You want a cheeseburger? Everybody got a cheeseburger, you want a cheeseburger? Come on - cheeseburger?

Male Customer #2: I don't want a cheeseburger! I just got up, it's too early for a cheeseburger!

Pete Dionasopolis: Too early for cheeseburger? Look - [ points around to his customers ] cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.

[ as Pete says "cheeseburger", George throws cheeseburgers on the grill ]

Pete Dionasopolis: What do you want? What are you gonna have?

Male Customer #2: I'll have a cheeseburger.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] One cheeseburger.

Male Customer #2: No more cheeseburger.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to customer ] No more cheeseburger.

Male Customer #2: I'll have a hamburger then.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] Hamburger.

Male Customer #2: No more hamburger.

Pete Dionasopolis: No hamburger. No cheeseburger, no hamburger, no burger.

Male Customer #2: How about a couple of eggs, then?

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] Eggs.

Male Customer #2: Over lightly?

Pete Dionasopolis: Scrambled.

Male Customer #2: Alright, scrambled.

Pete Dionasopolis: And what to drink?

Male Customer #2: Coke.

Pete Dionasopolis: No Coke - Pepsi.

Male Customer #2: Alright. Pepsi.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] One Pepsi! [ smacks Nico with a menu ] Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi!

Nico Dionasopolis: Pepsi!

[ fade out ]

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sd1.jpg

Announcer: And now, another episode of "Samurai Delicatessen".

Mr. Dantley: [enters deli ] Uh, can I have a sandwich, please?

[ Samurai holds his sword across the counter, yelling, then points at the "Take a Number Please" sign with his sword. Mr. Dantley pulls a number, as the Samurai yells various numbers. Finally, Mr. Dantley's number is called. ]

Mr. Dantley: Yes. [ hands over his number ] I'd like to have a combination cold-cut sandwich. [ Samurai shouts ] Sure. Very lean on the corned beef. Sure. And a cream soda. All right.

[ Samurai busts the bread open with his head, then slices some cold cuts with sword ]

I'm sure glad I found you open. You know, most of the places are closed this late. Uh, can I have some Thousand Island dressing on that, please?

[ Samurai complies ]

I guess you can hardly wait for that ol' Super Bowl tomorrow, huh? You know, I like Dallas, but I'm going to bet on the Steelers. The way I see it, if Bradshaw is hot tomorrow, and Franco Harris really gets the ball and runs.. could I have a little, uh, a little sliced tomato on that, please? [ Samurai slices a tomato in mid-air with his sword ] Anyway, like I said, if they let Harris handle the ball, if they keep it on the ground for a while and really move up there in that first quarter, no major injuries..

[ Samurai slides Mr. Dantley's sandwich across the counter ]

Hey, listen, you do really fantastic work. That is gorgeous! Can you do me one little favor? Could you trim away some of the fat? I distinctly said, "No fat." There's a lot of fat hanging off it. [ Samurai shouts in disgust ] I, I really meant no fat and it's, uh, it's.. [ Samurai prepares to stab himself with his sword ] Hey! Oh, no, no! Wait a minute. Ah, don't take it personally. It's okay. Look, I probably.. I, I probably shouldn't be eating that anyway because it's filled with spices, it gives me heartburn. Oh, what the hell. You only live once. I'll deal with the pain later.

[ Samurai withdraws his sword ]

Would it be, uh.. would it be too much to ask if you could cut it in half? [ Samurai screams, pulls out his sword, then carefully cuts the sandwich in half ] That's absolutely beautiful. Thank you very much. That's terrific. Ah, one other thing. Do you think you could break a twenty?

[ Samurai shouts, and slams his sword on the $20 bill, smashing the counter to bits ]

[ fade to black ]

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Chris Farley doing Bennett Brower. The Weekend Update commentary guy that used to talk about all his shortcomings and put them into quotes with his fingers. That sketch, was friggin' hysterical. That is the kind of stuff that makes milk shoot out of your nose when you hear it. Chris had guts and loads of heart. When the sketch called for him to whip off his shirt next to Patrick Swaze during that Chippendales sketch, that couldn't have been easy. He knew people would be laughing at his gross physique but he did it for the laugh. That was guts. And I think I almost had a brain hemmorhage laughing when he played one of the Wilson Philips girls. Chis Farley was probably one of the most brilliant stars to shoot off the SNL screen. His was one of the few superstar deaths that caused real sadness. Anyone notice that Adam Sandler has become flat as 4 day old Coca Cola left out in the sun? Me too. Every quotation that follows, Farley did with his fingers. And the first time I saw it I almost died laughing. Damn I miss you Chris.

Chris.jpg

A commentary by Bennet Brower.

That's right, Bennet Brower here with another commentary. Didn't think that the suits would have me back, perhaps. Thought they'd have my derriere replaced by one of those cookie cutter store mannequins!

Well, Maybe I'm not "the norm". I'm not "camera friendly". I don't "wear clothes that fit me". I'm not "a heartbreaker". I haven't "had sex with a woman", I don't "know how that works", I guess I don't "fall in line", I'm not "hygenic", I don't "wipe properly", I lack "style", I have no "charisma" or "self-esteem", I don't "own a toothbrush" or "let my scabs heal" I can't "reach all the parts of my body" , when I sleep, I "sweat profusely", but, I guess the "powers that be" will keep signing my paycheque at least until John and Jane Q. Viewer start to go for the remote so they can watch commentators who DON'T "frighten children", and don't "eat their own dandruff", and don't "pop their whiteheads with a compass they used in highschool".

Thank you Kevin!

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I am not a big Star Trek fan, but there were two skits about Star Trek that were hilarious.

1. The enterprise is bought by Marriott and turned into a restaurant.

2. William Shatner is attending a Star Trek convention and while giving his speech he goes off on the geeks dressed in full costume asking him Star Trek episode questions.

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For our next MUSICAL INTERLUDE...

Ladies and gentleman, please welcome...

TYRONE GREEN AND HIS REGGAE BAND...

:drummer: :guitar: :afro:

"I live in a shanty

in a shantytown

We have no money so we had to sleep on the ground

I played the music, my father he dig a ditch

My mother she do laundry, life sure was a bitch

But soon we kill the white people

Ooh, we gonna make them hurt

Kill the white people

Yeah, but buy my record first

Ooh yeah, why don't you buy my record?

We sing of freedom and, ooh, equality

But we really don't care, we just want money money money

We want to drive in a big black limousine

Get so high off ganja we can't even see

And soon we kill the white people

Ooh we gonna make them hurt

Kill the white people

Yeah, ooh, but buy my record first

When you go in the record store, we gonna wait outside

We gonna hit them with the bat and make them cry

Soon we kill the white people

Yeah, but buy my record first"

:afro: :afro: :afro: :jester: :rockon: :rockon: :rockon:

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Musical interlude part two!

Hit it, Garret!

"Gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whiteys I see

Gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whiteys I see

When I kill all the whiteys I see, then whitey, he won't

bother me...........

Gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whiteys I see!"

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