Batman Posted November 21, 2005 Report Share Posted November 21, 2005 I have finally written an autobiography. I began writing it when I was still a sperm, and have just completed it. I went into a lot of detail. Too much detail, some would say, but I think it just makes my life seem that much more suspenseful. Here are two excerpts. The Painfuly Meticulous Autobiography of Batman Vol. 2173, Ch. 94, "The Step" It was 7:45, and time for school to start. My destination: room 31. It was straight down the hall, to the right. It seemed so close, yet so far. I realized the only way I would ever be able to get to the classroom would be to walk there. So I thought about lifting my left leg. This thought created an impulse which traveled down my body, into my left leg, making it spring into the air. As my leg was in the air, I knew the only thing I could do, if I ever wanted to take a step, was move my left leg forward. I thought about this, and my brain sent an impulse to my quadriceps, which then moved forward. There was only one thing left to do; bring my foot back to the ground. So the impulses from my cerebellum commanded my foot to the ground. I knew I couldn't do this alone, so I called upon gravity to help me with the final part of the step. Once my foot reached the ground, I breathed a sigh of relief. With only 100 more steps, I knew I'd make it to class in no time. Vol. 18354, ch. 143, "The Breath" My lungs were full of air. My lungs were fully expanded, and all was well. It was at that moment that I started to feel a faint pain in my chest. The pain grew stronger and stronger. Somehow, the air in my lungs must have overstayed their welcome. I didn't know why this was happening, since I do not know all the innerworkings of the human body. All I knew was that if I wanted to ease my chest pain, I would have to take a breath. I opened my throat, and slowly let the old air escape from lungs, through my throat, out of my mouth, and into the world, where it was used to oxidize plants, and therefore sustain the very existence of the human race. Once my lungs were empty, I was relieved. But that feeling was short, because I knew I was only halfway done with my journey. I opened my mouth, and sucked precious oxygen into my windpipe. When it had been almost a full 1/8th of a second, I was beginning to grow nervous. What if the air in my throat never reached my lungs? Could this be the end of Batman? I felt my time of death was growing nearer. But then I felt a cool breeze throughout my lungs. I knew it had to be oxygen! I breathed a sigh of relief, not realizing that sigh of relief would only start this arduous process over again. It was at that moment I realized I was trapped in a cycle. I was enslaved in my personal oxygen prison, and there was no escaping from it. Ever since that fateful day that I left the womb, my entire life had been dedicated to the task of breathing. I am still physically dependent and addicted to air. I didn't know what was going to happen next, and I was scared. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucky Posted November 21, 2005 Report Share Posted November 21, 2005 Me too Amy! Batman, you are too clever for your own good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batman Posted November 21, 2005 Author Report Share Posted November 21, 2005 Thanks! I'm glad it turned out OK, after all, I've spent 16 years making it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edna Posted November 21, 2005 Report Share Posted November 21, 2005 We want more!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DiggsUK Posted November 21, 2005 Report Share Posted November 21, 2005 Batman, I like that. It is very much in the style of The Gulag Archipeligo... Oh, how as a sperm did you manage to hold the pen, and didn't your old man find it a tad uncomfortable? Regards Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miamisammy29 Posted November 21, 2005 Report Share Posted November 21, 2005 That's gonna be one long f***in' book! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RonJonSurfer Posted November 21, 2005 Report Share Posted November 21, 2005 That's gonna be one long f***in' book! If Batman were my age it would look like Encylopedia Brittanica when it was through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Joe Posted November 21, 2005 Report Share Posted November 21, 2005 Gripping drama. Raw emotion. Lustful passion. All that AND a cliffhanger. WOW! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miamisammy29 Posted November 21, 2005 Report Share Posted November 21, 2005 So....when do Volumes 2 thru 471,268 come out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted November 21, 2005 Report Share Posted November 21, 2005 I'm sure it's interesting, Batman, but it looked long and I simply couldn't be bothered to read it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batman Posted November 23, 2005 Author Report Share Posted November 23, 2005 I'm sure it's interesting, Batman, but it looked long and I simply couldn't be bothered to read it... I'll put up vol 1943, ch 456 verse 93 sometime this week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RonJonSurfer Posted November 23, 2005 Report Share Posted November 23, 2005 Is this book on CD yet? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RonJonSurfer Posted November 23, 2005 Report Share Posted November 23, 2005 Cool... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foxy Posted November 23, 2005 Report Share Posted November 23, 2005 Batman...you could make your own blog or site and have regular updates - you'd get thousands of hits. People LOVE this stuff..... I read one once where someone had written about his daily activities, down to how many strokes when he brushed his teeth, the amount of toothpaste he used, the exact colour and depth of his toast in the mornings, down to how many hairs had come out in the shower when he washed his hair....meticulous, but actually really really funny. I wonder if the bloke was actually sane now! He became very popular online, I don't remember where I found it now though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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