EagleEye0 Posted May 16, 2005 Report Posted May 16, 2005 The Notion of the Ocean comes through the wind its like a treasure unlatched within. Unearthed from an opaque abyss a spirit floats that you can?t miss Far and Wide there?s nothing to hide having to little would be suicide Tranquil or Turbulent you will find then again its all in the mind This bliss is one with sand two with the land and three with the me upon the reaches of sea You view the birds of above when deep down your searching for love love of myst and mystic love of the blade to evade the accolade of life of strife stricken with sorrow the life you made as a renegade. People pray to feel this way seeking the meals, zeal, and deals of the day they attain the limelight with nothing to say and nothing to play, if something, with profound delay The efforts of many are subpar Striving for prestige without getting far; The crowd scoffs at your valiant attempt As you height off you develop contempt. The standards of the world guile you to swirl Similar to an oyster enclosing her pearl took you in what a sin , imbued you thin , no a kin, spat you out with a sonorous bellow down a common road with an uncommon fellow while your peers enjoyed to mellow an incessant goad to continue the road of fun with a smile you deeply reminisce it wasn?t worthwhile it is hard to find people to please that?s why you venture to the crystalline waters and turquoise seas Pleasure always feels like a breeze In truth its merely a tease
EagleEye0 Posted May 20, 2005 Author Report Posted May 20, 2005 Please Reply. I think it is superb. What do you think?
_jr_ Posted May 20, 2005 Report Posted May 20, 2005 I have to be honest. The title 'Notion of the Ocean', just seems, I don't know....too...'unthought out'. It's like that was the first thing that popped into your head. It's too much the obvious choice, or the easy way out. As far as the poem, I like it. It's a little rambling and scattered, and not to be nit-picky, but there are grammatical mistakes. 'To', instead of 'too'. 'your', where it should be 'you're'. Those are minor and easily fixed, though. Don't take my word for it, though. I don't know poetry. I don't 'get' a lot of what I read, poetry wise. Wait for one of our poets to read it.
EagleEye0 Posted May 20, 2005 Author Report Posted May 20, 2005 Yeah I am more concerned about content than grammar. But those changes must be made. I agree. I want it to sound like an inspirational piece not a stellar acid trip...ect
_Laurie_ Posted May 20, 2005 Report Posted May 20, 2005 I agree with jr...I wasn't sure about the title either...the poem is very deep and inspirational, but the title is just too simple for that kind of poem. I'm not very good at poetry, but i do like reading it...hubby writes me poems, and songs all the time...other than the title, i do like it, it does tend to ramble a bit, but I like it....good job with the vocab! i wish i could write like that!
EagleEye0 Posted July 17, 2005 Author Report Posted July 17, 2005 Its Deep. You have to rread it for more than what it is. and identify some societal idiosyncrasies and word usages.
Aunt_Acid Posted July 18, 2005 Report Posted July 18, 2005 But none of that matters when the title scares people away.
_jr_ Posted July 18, 2005 Report Posted July 18, 2005 Its Deep. You have to rread it for more than what it is. and identify some societal idiosyncrasies and word usages. Then what do you need our opinion for?
Aunt_Acid Posted July 18, 2005 Report Posted July 18, 2005 You didn't read the poem, did you? Of course I did. I'm not the one who started a whole debate about giving negative feedback in a thread we aren't even supposed to reply to.
_jr_ Posted July 19, 2005 Report Posted July 19, 2005 I'm with Chris on this one. What's the point of us giving our opinion, if you're going to tell us what we think isn't right?
Aunt_Acid Posted July 19, 2005 Report Posted July 19, 2005 I'm with Chris on this one. You didn't read my post, did you?
EagleEye0 Posted July 20, 2005 Author Report Posted July 20, 2005 Okay. Of course I will think my writing is good. I'm the writer for goodness sake. Apparently, I do dismal job conveying my message if I have to evince the message after people read the poem. For example, in Romeo and Juliet Mercutio ( Mer prefix for stranage, unusual "mercurial")sheds light on the fact he may be gay. There is a tacit understanding throughout the play that he may be a homosexual as evident by the Tybalt, "Thy consort with the Romeo." I have to go back to the writing board again I guess. Any alternative suggestions besides the one mentioned above? I am more of a poet than songwriter. Im closer to a Jim Morrison than to a Robert Plant.
scott Posted July 20, 2005 Report Posted July 20, 2005 The 'self-propage' makes you seem more of a Billy Corgan than a SM You know I think that no one except me will know what the hell I just said. ::
_jr_ Posted July 21, 2005 Report Posted July 21, 2005 If you're comparing yourself to Jim Morrison and Robert Plant, you are obviously too big for Songfacts.
EagleEye0 Posted August 9, 2005 Author Report Posted August 9, 2005 Point Taken jr. I am not a conceded person and I am not hypocritical writer. I should not have compared myself to the venerated Jim Morrison. Moreover, If I have to evince my message after writing a poem I must be a a poor writer. Its time for me to change directions too a more accesible poetry/songwriting. Aprreciate your thoughts.
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