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Notion of the Ocean


EagleEye0
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The Notion of the Ocean comes through the wind

its like a treasure unlatched within.

Unearthed from an opaque abyss

a spirit floats that you can?t miss

Far and Wide there?s nothing to hide

having to little would be suicide

Tranquil or Turbulent you will find

then again its all in the mind

This bliss is one with sand

two with the land

and three with the me upon the reaches of sea

You view the birds of above

when deep down your searching for love

love of myst and mystic

love of the blade

to evade

the accolade

of life of strife stricken with sorrow the life you made as a renegade.

People pray to feel this way seeking the meals, zeal, and deals of the day

they attain the limelight with nothing to say and nothing to play, if something, with profound delay

The efforts of many are subpar

Striving for prestige without getting far;

The crowd scoffs at your valiant attempt

As you height off you develop contempt.

The standards of the world guile you to swirl

Similar to an oyster enclosing her pearl

took you in

what a sin

, imbued you thin

, no a kin,

spat you out with a sonorous bellow

down a common road with an uncommon fellow

while your peers enjoyed to mellow

an incessant goad to continue the road of fun with a smile

you deeply reminisce it wasn?t worthwhile

it is hard to find people to please

that?s why you venture to the crystalline waters and turquoise seas

Pleasure always feels like a breeze

In truth its merely a tease

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I have to be honest. The title 'Notion of the Ocean', just seems, I don't know....too...'unthought out'. It's like that was the first thing that popped into your head. It's too much the obvious choice, or the easy way out.

As far as the poem, I like it. It's a little rambling and scattered, and not to be nit-picky, but there are grammatical mistakes. 'To', instead of 'too'. 'your', where it should be 'you're'. Those are minor and easily fixed, though.

Don't take my word for it, though. I don't know poetry. I don't 'get' a lot of what I read, poetry wise. Wait for one of our poets to read it.

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I agree with jr...I wasn't sure about the title either...the poem is very deep and inspirational, but the title is just too simple for that kind of poem. I'm not very good at poetry, but i do like reading it...hubby writes me poems, and songs all the time...other than the title, i do like it, it does tend to ramble a bit, but I like it....good job with the vocab! i wish i could write like that!

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  • 1 month later...

Okay. Of course I will think my writing is good. I'm the writer for goodness sake. Apparently, I do dismal job conveying my message if I have to evince the message after people read the poem. For example, in Romeo and Juliet Mercutio ( Mer prefix for stranage, unusual "mercurial")sheds light on the fact he may be gay. There is a tacit understanding throughout the play that he may be a homosexual as evident by the Tybalt, "Thy consort with the Romeo." I have to go back to the writing board again I guess. Any alternative suggestions besides the one mentioned above? I am more of a poet than songwriter. Im closer to a Jim Morrison than to a Robert Plant.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Point Taken jr. I am not a conceded person and I am not hypocritical writer. I should not have compared myself to the venerated Jim Morrison. Moreover, If I have to evince my message after writing a poem I must be a a poor writer. Its time for me to change directions too a more accesible poetry/songwriting.

Aprreciate your thoughts.

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