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RyanTurtle

Amber sky, All good things, Alone (poems)

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Hey, I just wrote some poems. I think they suck, but everyone else says they're good. I need some HONEST opinions.

PEACE OUT

JIMMY JAZZ :happybanana:

_________________________________________________

Amber Sky

Standing at the fort where we used to play

Standing at the fort, of the older day

Watchin the leaves fall, like they were amber rain

Standing at the fort, that's so full of pain

We were inseprable, we were best friends

I'd have your back, 'till the very end

I never thought I'd see you die

Falling from the amber sky

Standing in the kitchen where we would play cards

Looking at the scrapbook, memorial shards

Standing in the kitchen where you took the knife

Looking at the scrapbook, at your shattered life

We were inseprable, we were best friends

I'd have your back, 'till the very end

I never thought I'd see you die

Falling from the amber sky

Standing at the tombstone at the foot of your grave

Thinking of the life you took, and the sadness that you gave

Standing at the tombstone, engraved with your name

Thinking of how you lost, in life's twisted game

We were inseprable, we were best friends

I'd have your back, 'till the very end

I look up in hopes to see you

Falling from the amber sky

_________________________________________________

All Good Things

I watch the clock, wasting the day.

Becoming another, suicidal cliche

You won't notice, or even care.

You won't see that I'm not there.

The way is cut, the path is made.

Destiny be done, my debt is paid.

All will be over, in a matter of time.

The clock gives off it's final chime.

Fade to black, I say farewell.

I can already hear, the funeral bell.

This life I live, I prepare to trancend.

All good things, come to an end.

_________________________________________________

Alone

I am through with you

You are through with me

We are through with eachother

Will I ever find another

Will I die alone

Am I failure prone

Am I sad down to the bone

Will I die alone

You seem happy without me

Happy I will never be

You will always think of me

When you see what you will see

I will die alone

I am failure prone

Sad down to the bone

I will die alone

Newspapers read local man dead

A bullet in the head

In a lost love's bed

With the sorrow that she fed

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I agree that Amber Sky is the better of the three. All Good Things is all right, but instead of just coming right out and mentioning suicide, maybe hinting toward it would sound better. Maybe its just the words "suicidal cliche" that make it too obvious. Alone is nice and simple, but maybe a little short. The last verse fits perfectly where it is, but is almost sounds like another verse could be added somewhere in the middle.

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oops....it would help if I posted 'em, eh?

PEACE OUT

JIMMY JAZZ :happybanana:

Alone

I am through with you

You are through with me

We?re through with eachother

Will I find another

Will I die alone

Am I failure prone

Am I sad to the bone

Will I die alone

You seem happy without me

Happy I will never be

You will always think of me

When you see what you will see

Will I die alone

Am I failure prone

Am I sad to the bone

Will I die alone

You?ve destroyed my soul, you?ve taken hope away

I will never blame you, that things turned out this way

I will never heal, my poor broken heart

I will always love you, ?till death do us part

I will die alone

I am failure prone

Sad to the one

I will die alone

Newspapers read local man dead

A bullet in the head

In a lost love's bed

With the sorrow that she fed

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I really liked Amber Sky. Simple but very expressive. The others were good, and show talent. I'm not fond of the subject matter. I understand that's your feelings, and you should write what you feel, but I could not read poems with the same subject matter in each one. Try diversifying. See if you are as good with something else you are as passionate about. I think you are talented.

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I really liked Amber Sky. Simple but very expressive. The others were good, and show talent. I'm not fond of the subject matter. I understand that's your feelings, and you should write what you feel, but I could not read poems with the same subject matter in each one. Try diversifying. See if you are as good with something else you are as passionate about. I think you are talented.

Yeah, Amber Sky actually started out as a happy poem. I was writing it about me lookin' back on all of the good times I had with my friends, but then I ended up thinking about my friend who killed himself. Alone was actually written about someone I read about in the newspaper, who really did kill himself in his ex-feance's(sp) bed, and All Good Things is actually one I wrote after gettin' in a big fight with my dad. I was actually sitting there with a knife in my hand gettin' ready to do it. That's when I heard Blackbird by the Beatles for the first time on the radio, which is what started my journey out of a six year long depression.

PEACE OUT

JIMMY JAZZ :happybanana:

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