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Tenacious_Peaches

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hmmm... so we're not allowed to talk about it but you're willing to go and see it just to keep us happy?! interesting...

The last part of my sentence got cut off. It was "...of the body".

I love the Jack Bauer wisdom.

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Hmmmm. Got me a dvd recorder, if you want pristine-copies of the show with Canadian commercials!

that's a very kind offer!! i'd say it won't be long coming on irish tv though, we usually catch up with the uk fairly quickly! thanks though!

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alot of these are the same as the chuck norris/david hasselhoff ones so apologies if you've read them before! i tried to cut out some of the more unsuitable ones!

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

Jack Bauer's calender goes from April 2nd to March 31st, no one fools Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's ****ing beef.

Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.

The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better ****ing do it.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

Jack Bauer's vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. That is a real fact.

There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.

Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What have you done with your life?

In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."

Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.

All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.

There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and with more deaths.

The rules of poker have recently been revised. Now the winning hand is the one with the most Jacks in it.

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're ****ing dead."

If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with violence.

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer does.

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that loser went to the hospital first.

When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.

Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell the tale.

After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.

Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.

During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there's no life on Mars.

It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."

It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"

Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.

When Jack Bauer uses Herbal Essences, the shampoo has an orgasm.

Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests.... Jack Bauer doesn't associate with anything that is #2.

If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.

Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.

Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God.

You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're probably gonna get laid.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.

No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a loser" in a sentence and lived to tell...

A day without torture is like a day without sunshine to Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer has a great tan.

Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Little did he know fear itself fears Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer can touch MC Hammer.

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If I may be one of those people who reposts things they find funny even though they're but inches above...

These are absolute gold:

Jack Bauer's calender goes from April 2nd to March 31st, no one fools Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, just because it sounds like violent.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."

Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.

Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with violence.

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.

The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?

Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer

Jack Bauer can touch MC Hammer.

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i know!! they make me so happy! was out for dinner with friends last night and i told them a load of them - one of the boys almost had an asthma attack from laughing so much!

i love all of them, but i particularly enjoy "When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24...""

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you're welcome! :D

i finally remembered to post this, the one flaw i find with 24 (*gasp*) - it really irritates me how they use the 24 hour clock but it goes from 12:59:59 to 01:00:00 instead of to 13:00:00!!! and jack says 'the following takes place between 1pm and 2pm'. does anybody know why they do this?!

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I would guess that they want it to be more relatable for the viewer. We might get confused if it was dark, since we'd have to think about what "16:34" was. It's less of a countdown this way.

What I meant to say was that Fox sucks.

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Some new Jack Bauer facts; I don't think any were in Gisela's list. I highlighted my favorites:

-Jack Bauer shaves with a chainsaw.

-Jack Bauer can stare directly at the sun.

-While being put under in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

-Jack Bauer doesn't kill terrorists. The terrorists actually die from fear of being killed by Jack Bauer.

-The odds of completing anything without Jack Bauer is less than 20 percent.

-Jack Bauer dips his nachos in plutonium.

-Jack Bauer once grew a beard to rival that of Chuck Norris. In the only episode of 24 where Jack has that beard, he shot a man through his heart and cut his head off. He then shaved that beard to show up Chuck. What has your beard done lately, Norris?

-On the sixth day, God said "Let there be no Jack Bauer." On the seventh day, God was tortured.

-Jack found Waldo in one hour. The only reason he didn't find him sooner was because of daylight savings time.

-When Jack Bauer requested a cookie in kindergarten, his teacher told him no and laughed. Jack replied by saying, "Look lady, I have crushed three rib cages since recess, rigged the fire alarm to go off right before the spelling test and stolen a total of $7.50 in lunch money. So maybe you should be a little more scared of the situation you're in and just give me a goddamn cookie."

-When Jack Bauer gets within ten miles of you, you automatically start sweating.

-Season 5 of 24 was supposed to be Jack Bauer fighting Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel. This idea was abandoned when Jack defeated them and nothing else could be found to fill the other 23 hours and 59 minutes.

-If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.

-Bauer clotheslined a chick in Peru with his erection, while walking in Chicago.

-The term "jackin off" now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.

-Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

-Jack Bauer's cellphone battery went dead 12 years ago. It has run on pure adrenaline ever since.

-Jack Bauer is a vegetarian. Not because he doesn't like meat, but because he hates vegetables.

-Jack Bauer broke into a nunnery, and impregnated 52 nuns. As a result, the 1972 Miami Dolphins were created. The only team in NFL history to obtain an undefeated season.

-Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires. The thing is, he doesn't bother.

-If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

-Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

-In God we trust. But God trusts Jack Bauer.

-Jack Bauer can watch all 5 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.

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Here are some new facts (at least to me):

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

Jack Bauer does not use birth control, he simply demands that you not get pregnant.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer never gets pop-ups. Ever.

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

When Jack Bauer signs up for a free ipod online, they actually give him one.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.

24 was moved to Monday because Jack Bauer doesn't wait on anyone to start killing people.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better duckling do it.

Jack Bauer beats Asians in Dance Dance Revolution.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

If you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer is the last person on Earth you want to see. Fortunately, if you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer probably is the last person you'll ever see on Earth.

Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.

When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.

James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer don't need any licenses.

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