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I dare you to give a real opinion.


AdmiralHalsey
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I've only written a few things. I've been wondering if people will be able to pick up on the themes I am trying to get across, or what kinds of things they will come up with themselves. I havent named this yet, and im not sure if i might decide to add to it. Anyways, if anybody reads this, actual thinks about it, and gives a true opinion about how it is put together and what it means to them, etc, I will be plenty excited...Dont be afraid to be honest, be it good or bad...

My radio went off a quarter till too late.

I got a move-on t'where I had'ta already be.

I locked my sedan, with the keys in.

There's just no means for any other man to see.

'How ya doin' posed the local Joe.

Fairly poorly's precisely what I said,

As he turned his head,

and my temper bared its first light shade of red.

This Joe with me, born into phony sympathy,

replacing apathy,

in his vestal mind,

never feeling for the wound of his own kind.

Yes still remains local Joe.

He dwells in each satin row.

And he refuses to feel,

but at the altar, Joe never dared not kneel.

By the way, this was meant to be put to music as a song.

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My opinion is your condescending attitude towards us as to whether or not we'll 'pick up on what you're trying to get across' or whether or not we'll 'actually think about it' tells me you think yourself to be a bit above everyone else.

Oh, and I didn't bother to read the poem. Your intro was more than enough.

Asking for a real opinion has it's shortcomings, I suppose.

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I got it up till here:

This Joe with me, born into phony sympathy,

replacing apathy,

in his vestal mind,

never feeling for the wound of his own kind.

Yes still remains local Joe.

He dwells in each satin row.

And he refuses to feel,

but at the altar, Joe never dared not kneel.

There seems to be slight contradictions, like he's a Godly man, but he doesn't live as one (he puts on a front). I don't know if that was the point you wanted to convey, but it's not 100% clear to me... Perhaps he is a man of the cloth (dwells in each satin row, vestal mind, dared not kneel)? Or perhaps I am looking for a meaning where there is none?

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Jr. Im very sorry. Honest to god, it wasn't supposed to be like that at all. The subject title was merely an idea i had to get people to give it a look because i wasnt sure if it would just get skipped over or passed by. I am new on here, and the post that i looked at at the top of the list had not been commented on, so i assumed that people sometimes just didnt comment on things, and i figured making a subject like that might make someone think twice before just passing over it. Also, when i browsed around, and read peoples' stuff, i honestly didnt really give their writings a true hard look. I just read through them once, and i dont think reading something once can necessarily suffice. When i was wondering about whether people would pick up on my ideas, it wasnt supposed to mean that i thought you guys were too thick to see them. I was just really wondering if my writing style was too thick for them to be noticed, or the opposite making them seem too corny. I definately dont feel that i am above anybody. The whole reason i signed up on this board is that i am afraid to show anybody the few things ive written, so i figured id hide behind the internet and get some unbiased opinions. I am sorry for the misunderstanding. If you would give my song another chance, i would still very much appreciate it.

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:( And what about the people who did comment? Huh? HUh? HUH?

:laughing:

I comment on songs/poems/stories I have read and feel the need to comment on. This is Creative Writing - not rate the writing. Some work is personal and meant to be read and understood, rather than broken down and given a smiley face under pressure. Also, sometimes the work doesn't need to commented on - just read and accepted for how and what it is. If I feel moved to comment, then I will :)

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I apologize, as well. I mistook your meaning. I'm sorry, and I hope my flippant attitude doesn't deter you from posting more of your work.

You are right, this is a great way to let others see what you're thinking and feeling, while maintaining your anonymity.

welcome to Songfacts, I'm jr. If I sound garbled, it's because I'm speaking with my foot in my mouth at the moment. ::

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The first two verses go one way while the third verse seems to stear another direction. If this is the way you wanted it to sound, then I applaud what you wrote. If you were trying to stick with the same "theme", then either the beginning or the end is out of place.

At first I was thinking this would sound like a Tracy Champman song, but then the end sounds kind of like Pearl Jam. It's definitely one that makes you think and scratch your head.

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  • 2 weeks later...

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