Danielj Posted March 3, 2007 Report Posted March 3, 2007 His shoulder is damp with blood His feet soaked from the snow There's a fire to warm him up just 2 miles away But the fire in his heart is down to coals already And he's a peacekeeper with the safety off. He's a little mouse in a cobra's cage. He's a small light in a sea of white. Forced to be a martyr but he'll put up a fight He's got a .22 in his pocket holster A Swiss Army shoved down his boot His best friend is hangin from his shoulder He's got his M16 locked and ready to shoot And he's a peacekeeper with the safety off. He's a little mouse in a cobra's cage. He's a small light in a sea of white Forced to be a martyr but he'll put up a fight
_Laurie_ Posted March 4, 2007 Report Posted March 4, 2007 Your words set the scene perfectly....good job!
Kevin Posted March 6, 2007 Report Posted March 6, 2007 Agreed , Daniel - very good ! I would offer a few suggestions , though , if I may : The .22 : Seems a little low in caliber . Aren't front-line troops equipped with more firepower ? Or is that what they use ? The 'Swiss army shoved in his boot' : I assume you mean a combat knife , right ? I would suggest using ' a lethal ( or deadly , 12" ) blade ' or something like that instead . Most may think of the Swiss pocket-knife rather than a military dagger , I think . It also gives a ' tougher' image , IMO . As well , after the previous stanza , I would start the next with ' But he's a peacekeeper ... etc. ' rather than 'and' to set up an interesting contrast between how he appears but with what he is charged with doing - an oxymoron ? . Just some thoughts . I really like this !
edna Posted March 6, 2007 Report Posted March 6, 2007 Daniel, it´s great to see your evolution... You know I´m your fan!!!
Steel2Velvet Posted March 7, 2007 Report Posted March 7, 2007 I like the compact quality to this Daniel. Excellent piece.
Recommended Posts
Please sign in to comment
You will be able to leave a comment after signing in
Sign In Now