Turn That Light Off

[TheLizard]

Turn that light off

It illuminates nothing but the problems

The solutions lie in the dark somewhere

Right on the edge of a blind man’s reach

Just beyond the finger tips

But they’re there

In the dark

Turn the light on

Like cockroaches

They hide

But search in the dark

They are waiting patiently for your impatient grasp

So far, so near, everywhere and nowhere

So turn that light off

[Steel2Velvet]

I like! Lots to ponder here. I like anything that explores problems by way of solutions. The bug metaphor is great, especially when one has been to Georgia and experienced the cockroach/light phenomenon.

Especially appealing for me:

".. a blind man's reach" and

".. waiting patiently for your impatient grasp"

impressive

[Lucky]

He's good, huh? I like it too, Tim!

[_Laurie_]

Very Good...

[blind-fitter]

Good stuff!

I particularly like this line:

The solutions lie in the dark somewhere

Right on the edge of a blind man’s reach

I have some minor concerns about word order and phrasing; small changes which would make the whole more euphonious (to my ears anyway), without substantially changing the content or meaning.

Examples:

Just beyond the finger tips

But they’re there

Because the words "they're" and "there" are so phonically similar, I would suggest "But they are there".

Back in a minute with further observations.

[blind-fitter]

(Continued from previous post)

In the dark

Turn the light on

I'd go for "Turn on the light"; though there is nothing substantially wrong with your line, I'd just prefer not to end the line with a preposition.

Also, ending the line with the word "light", followed as it is by "Like Cockroaches they hide" creates a more pleasing assonance.

"Turn on the light: like cockroaches, they hide". Yes?

They are waiting patiently for your impatient grasp

I find the repetition of the root-word "patient" slightly jarring, and would be tempted to rephrase/re-order slightly: "They patiently await your (insert substitute adjective /synonym for "impatient") grasp."

So far, so near, everywhere and nowhere

So turn that light off

I'd be tempted to remove "So far, so near": adds little to the intended impact/meaning of the piece (as I understand it), but detracts from the fluency and impact you seek in a "final line".

That looks like alot of criticism, but really,it isn't. These are minor (suggested) modifications, based on personal taste and linguistic instinct: however I would stress that the piece has plenty to recommend it as it stands.

[Lucky]

Your little changes make a lot of sense to me b-f, as someone who doesn't write, but reads an awful lot (and the grandaughter of an English teacher ). They do make the lines more pleasing to the ear. But, the piece taken as a whole is very, very good!

You have a lot of talent for writing Tim. Your poems impress me each time I read them.

[Steel2Velvet]

A good, useful critique, B-F.

[TheLizard]

Thanks b-f, you make some very good points.

[MuzikTyme]

The brightest light we'll ever see is the one when our eyes are closed.

Refreshing writing, reptilian friend.