I wanna be free

[Blue Fish]

Through sleepy eyes I view the moon

through half closed eye lids hazey images

to be you to be you would be like this dream

Half slept half lived half been

To be someone else then me

Alive and free from condemnation

to be you to be you would be bliss indeed

Free to dance to sing to be

Then a light pirces this haze

my eyes flutter open, i'm in a daze

I wanna be me

I wanna be free

Free to be me.

Go ahead, slate it. I don't care I like it!! Please do comment, If you don't like it tell me why and I'll see if I can modify it...if you do like it please encourage me by commenting...

Edited May 6, 2008 by Guest

[Jenny]

I do like it. Maybe because I have felt that way sometimes. Nice!

[Steel2Velvet]

I am reading the "you" in the first stanza to mean the moon, which is an intriguing concept and one which captures my imagination.

A few spelling errors in there, easily corrected. Also, "half slept/lived/been" should all be hyphenated words.

It seems like the more you post, the more convinced I become that you are able to distill a variety of thoughts and experiences into a concise line or two. Wonderful gift!

[Blue Fish]

Thanks guys, the "You" in the first stanza DOES mean the moon, I like that about it!

[blind-fitter]

The first two verses are really good, but would be improved by attention to punctuation, hyphenation, etc.

The last verse would be improved by the removal of the "I'm in a daze" clause. Haze/daze; the rhyme is too obvious and cliched. It jars. The latter phrase is unnecessary anyway, since you have already successfully evoked the desired effect of "haziness". Moreover, it just sounds better.

Personally, I think saying "wanna", rather than "want to", undermines the poem. However, since it's all about your desire for liberation from constraints, who am I to dictate such things?

Edited May 8, 2008 by Guest