Blue Fish Posted May 6, 2008 Report Share Posted May 6, 2008 (edited) Through sleepy eyes I view the moon through half closed eye lids hazey images to be you to be you would be like this dream Half slept half lived half been To be someone else then me Alive and free from condemnation to be you to be you would be bliss indeed Free to dance to sing to be Then a light pirces this haze my eyes flutter open, i'm in a daze I wanna be me I wanna be free Free to be me. Go ahead, slate it. I don't care I like it!! Please do comment, If you don't like it tell me why and I'll see if I can modify it...if you do like it please encourage me by commenting... Edited May 6, 2008 by Guest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted May 7, 2008 Report Share Posted May 7, 2008 I do like it. Maybe because I have felt that way sometimes. Nice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steel2Velvet Posted May 7, 2008 Report Share Posted May 7, 2008 I am reading the "you" in the first stanza to mean the moon, which is an intriguing concept and one which captures my imagination. A few spelling errors in there, easily corrected. Also, "half slept/lived/been" should all be hyphenated words. It seems like the more you post, the more convinced I become that you are able to distill a variety of thoughts and experiences into a concise line or two. Wonderful gift! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted May 8, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 8, 2008 Thanks guys, the "You" in the first stanza DOES mean the moon, I like that about it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blind-fitter Posted May 8, 2008 Report Share Posted May 8, 2008 (edited) The first two verses are really good, but would be improved by attention to punctuation, hyphenation, etc. The last verse would be improved by the removal of the "I'm in a daze" clause. Haze/daze; the rhyme is too obvious and cliched. It jars. The latter phrase is unnecessary anyway, since you have already successfully evoked the desired effect of "haziness". Moreover, it just sounds better. Personally, I think saying "wanna", rather than "want to", undermines the poem. However, since it's all about your desire for liberation from constraints, who am I to dictate such things? Edited May 8, 2008 by Guest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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