Blue Fish Posted October 15, 2007 Report Share Posted October 15, 2007 Your the fool to my gold The water to my fire Your the Squirrel to my nut Bleeding heart for hire Your the lemon to my oranges The frown to my smile Your the salt to my slug I'm not in denial Your the pot hole to my race horse The black crow to my dove Your the fox to my chicken house Is this really love? Your the thorn to my red rose The hole in my shoe Your the goat amist my sheep But I love You. I'm not sure if it's finished yet, I didn't want to force anything. I know it's an old idea but I'd like your comments anyways please! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted October 16, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2007 Any thoughts at all? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayzor Posted October 16, 2007 Report Share Posted October 16, 2007 Hey Bloof! I'm not being mean, but as a fellow writer I know how some pieces need to be re-worked a bit... by the comment you left at the bottom it seems as though even you believe this to be true. I think the idea has great promise and several lines are good. Certain lines, however, IMO are a bit off. "Your the Squirrel to my nut" and "Your the pot hole to my race horse" are the 2 lines that seem kind of out of place. To me the lines don't have that soft feeling to them. Remember, this is just my opinion, so I'm not offended if you choose to ignore me. Someone like S2V would be better at helping and giving better criticism. I thought it was nice, otherwise! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steel2Velvet Posted October 16, 2007 Report Share Posted October 16, 2007 Your the Squirrel to my nut Bleeding heart for hire Your ... I assume you know all these are you're, but out of sheer rebellion to convention will misspell them. ?. The frown to my smile Your the salt to my slug I'm not in denial Great lines .... . About this time I had my tux and tails on and was dancing. This is a great set of Broadway-like lyrics! Love them all! Your the pot hole to my race horse The black crow to my dove Your the fox to my chicken house Is this really love? Real rythmic, these lines just tumble out upon me and i love it. You are a fabulous writer, Bloof. I always thought so. I also feel you fighting the discipline it takes to be a successful one. That's OK. You SHOULD rebel! You are young. Just don't wait too long to come back inside out of the rain. Your the thorn to my red rose The hole in my shoe Your the goat amist my sheep But I love You. ..... Nah! That is not what you wanted. That is what you settled for and stuck on there. It needs 2 - 21/2 beats yet and is so ... so ..... unrebellious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayzor Posted October 16, 2007 Report Share Posted October 16, 2007 I told you S2V would be better, Bloof! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MuzikTyme Posted October 16, 2007 Report Share Posted October 16, 2007 Interesting to note, that we're in an era that real lemons are used in furniture polish yet synthetic ones are used in lemon-ade. Lemon Love, indeed!~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucky Posted October 17, 2007 Report Share Posted October 17, 2007 I like it Bloof. Maybe you could work it a bit more, and Steel's advice is usually right, but it's good, as most of your things are. I don't know if it means anything to you, but I don't comment here unless I really liked it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweet Jane 61 Posted October 17, 2007 Report Share Posted October 17, 2007 Bloof girl, I like it, you know I love reading your stuff. S2V did have great advice and he has helped me, he is a good person to look to for advice. Keep on writing...I look forward to your poems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted October 20, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2007 Thanks guys! All taken on board! I don't like going with the flow S2V!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blind-fitter Posted October 31, 2007 Report Share Posted October 31, 2007 Apart from the glaring grammatical error, which S2V already pointed out, and the rather abrupt and naff ending, this is a pretty cool and cute poem. As you already know, it still needs some work to be "the finished article" I agree almost unequivocally with S2V's comments. As I've said before BlueF, you appear to have a natural talent for writing, which could really blossom if you keep working at it. Your stuff doesn't always work for me, but that's to be expected: I can be a pernickety curmudgeon, hard to please with peculiar tastes. But when it does work, it really does*. * This one doesn't quite, but it might when it's finished. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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