Ender Posted October 10, 2007 Report Share Posted October 10, 2007 Pull the plug and cut the cord let me know were something more unlock the door start a war to see if were worth fighting for Pull the plug forget my name make believe i never came Pull the plug and fight the fear say the word i wont come near think your thoughts til they come clear let them creep in through my ear Pull the plug and hit the lights let this room fall to the night close your eyes drift in sleep than come to me in real life or in a dream Pull the plug forget my name make believe i never came Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Earth-Angel Posted October 10, 2007 Report Share Posted October 10, 2007 let me know were something more Did you mean "we're"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blind-fitter Posted October 10, 2007 Report Share Posted October 10, 2007 (edited) ^^^^^ picky! I quite like the use of short simplistic phrases, and the fact that your meaning remains open to interpretation. What I find slightly puzzling is that it is so tightly rhythmic all the way through, then in the penultimate verse, there is suddenly a line which doesn't scan. Sounds jarring. Edited October 10, 2007 by Guest make use of the word "penultimate" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steel2Velvet Posted October 11, 2007 Report Share Posted October 11, 2007 It is jarring. It also says "Here, I'll put these words in there and don't care if they fit in the meter." The entire poem has this great cadence ... Pull the plug and hit the lights let this room fall to the night and rythmic beat to it ... close your eyes drift in sleep than come to me ...then it all comes apart in real life or in a dream You have a great poem here. You can make it work. Don't give up so quickly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawna Posted October 11, 2007 Report Share Posted October 11, 2007 Interesting. It didn't jar me in the least. I kind of like the way the cadence is interrupted - it seems so slight to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ender Posted October 11, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2007 yea i meant we're, im a teen i ignore grammar ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucky Posted October 13, 2007 Report Share Posted October 13, 2007 I like it as well, quite a lot actually. Very well done! I also like the tight rhythm of it. Work on that penultimate verse, and it will be flawless! Lovely word there b-f! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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