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J Hill

Old Poem for a New Day(help me decide the line)

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I could use a little help (hahah if you ever met me you would know that is obvious lol)here with deciding between 2 different lines to end one poem. If you could choose or pick between A. and B. lines at the end of this, that could be fun! And I would be forever gratefull. And if you don't want to play, for whatever reason, or if you'd prefer to make some other comments...I'm good with all that too :)

***1st a bit of explanation (because it's just something I feel i just have to tell someone)...

Maybe it's a sign of my slipping sanity, but on occasion a deep, steady and melodious voice comes into my head (and, if all alone, to my lips) It sings mournfull, ancient sounding songs that have never been written. With enlongated vowels and syllables alternating with sharp words, it resonates in an almost "churchlike" (if that's a word) slightly Scottish feel... btw I know it's all probably very hard to imagine, but just stay with me, please, for just a few moments more...

And as i drive along the freeways on my frequent long solitary car trips, this voice finds seemingly random words to insert into it's dearthfull melody (and my mouth) ..and every once in a while, I will attempt, upon arriving at my destination, to remember a little bit of all this and write the words to paper. I have done so here. But I can't decide on the very last line, between two I have in mind...this is where I could very much enjoy your assistance. Thanks in advance...jdh

THE SONGS OF OLD

If shadows fall

before the evening

on your shoulder of the road.

Hold fast my soldier of the leaving,

I will come to share your load.

The times have slowed

for me to go soon

and to leave my burden here.

May harbors all

always be open,

and your highways

always clear.

It was a long

so long ago time

as they showed me to your wake.

She cried I tried

so hard to not rhyme,

(****here's where you come in...please pick A or B***)

A. "..and be held as a mistake."

B. "..are you sleeping wide awake?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

....there are no wrong answers, only poorly worded questions....

*@2009jdh*

Edited by Guest
"well deserved obscurity"

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Farin, Laurie, Seeker;

Thank you all VM! And it's all right, technically I know little about writing or poetry either, other than what they taught us is grade school, and things I've read along the way. But with your help (and hopefully that of other's to come) maybe I'm learning a little bit more today :D

:bow:

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.... but on occasion a deep, steady and melodious voice comes into my head (and, if all alone, to my lips) It sings mournfull, ancient sounding songs that have never been written. With enlongated vowels and syllables alternating with sharp words, it resonates in an almost "churchlike" (if that's a word) slightly Scottish feel... btw I know it's all probably very hard to imagine...

Not at all, I get the same thing.

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THE SONGS OF OLD

If shadows fall

before the evening

on your shoulder of the road.

Hold fast my soldier of the leaving,

I will come to share your load.

The times have slowed

for me to go soon

and to leave my burden here.

May harbors all

always be open,

and your highways

always clear.

It was a long

so long ago time

as they showed me to your wake.

She cried I tried

so hard to not rhyme,

(****here's where you come in...please pick A or B***)

It's going along quite nicely- I can imagine the Scots accent and all- then suddenly descends into foul-mouthed obscenity. It's like you've got Tourette's, or something.

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