fpatrick

Paranoid freak? I need to take a break from here. I've failed at communicating or you don't believe me. That happens a lot. Because I'm unconventional, and seen things that most people haven't they don't believe me. I need to get out of here. It's consider it to be very disrespectful when people automatically consider I'm lying. It happens a lot. I'm not saying I know what you think. It's just that it happens so much. That's how I know where I belong and don't waste time. I understated things, acutally. It's often better to find out sooner about things. I don't enjoy being asked to reveal things and being called a 'Paranoid freak'. Why would I want to take abuse. I have plenty of things to do. I'll just do something else now. This is clearly not where I want to be. It's my choice. It's kind of obvious. Wow. The assumptions people make based on such ignorance of some topics never ceases to amaze me. Good Bye

Nutter - you need to be more specific. I'm not sure what 'nutter' means. It seems like I've bored people enough talking about myself. Also, remember I've been in the software industry for a long time and if I talk about a few of the people I alluded to, I'm a bit uneasy about their privacy. I could obfuscate some things. We practice discretion as a discipline in that industry. I understand why. So, I'm cautious. I'll just say that I'm been close to violence a lot. I took risks to help people out and I did a ton of charity (formal, regional 87-95 I was close to some real wealth and they built a lot of charities). I considered the risky stuff as 'informal' charity. 95-2005 and I did a lot of that too, and only some of it was dangerous. You looked my profile. I take the Buddhist stuff seriously. I don't care about losing my possessions. At present, life is kind of boring, actually, but when I worked, I'd do these long contracts (3 years, etc..) Then I'd take breaks and I did diverse things. So, I'm used to having breaks. It suits me - I don't expect anyone to be like me. I've known some people that did a lot of good, and in various ways. Since 96, I lived with family, friends and well below my means because possessions mean nothing to me. I know other people that hate seeing suffering too. I had my music studios, a 94 toyota collora and a cheap or free place to live. A bit of money and a few things. I don't tell people who are so conventional they would call me a sucker. It's tedious and it's always the people who've accomplished about 20% of what I have in that way. I liked wirting software. We got paid well because of the demand. I'm not the least bit impressed by that. I felt lucky. Compared to most poeple in this world, I've lived like a king. It's so obvious. I lived efficiently and didnt subject my values on others when it would matter to them. It's always been the watercouse way, the wisdom of insecurity. It just works for me. It's nothing special. I gave away a lot of what I made to people I knew. The late 90's were the boom years and I got well past the crash. I only help people who I care about and/or are really suffering through no fault of their own and can help themselves. There's so much violence around everywhere. It doesn't seem strange. I took some risks and was careless at times. Sometimes you get into situations accidentally. Everyone does, right? Everyone goes through traumas, I thought? Everyone is more or less disturbed, but it changes and it's impossible to define what this is in words with any accuracy for me. Ok, is everyone bored, confused or sick of this by now? I didn't know how to answer and the privacy issues are very real, but if anyone's interested, give me some time. I'm a bit chatty, as you can see. So I'd imagine this post is confusing due to: privacy issues, bad writing, some unsual things, things so ugly I don't want to be specific about. I don't define myself, except by what's happened to me, mostly. And that takes time. Time. Lots of Pink Floyd fans in this forum. I love that. Breathe. Breathe in the air. Don't be afraid to care.

She Love you - the Beatles song? That's so funny. Thanks for the interpretation. I agree with that. I'm a potential murderer, sure. Apocolypse Now made it on my top 5 list of films of this forum. I love that film. I think I understand and agree and I don't think I'm denying it. I've been in some very dangerous situations, but not like that. I've had some luck and bluffed some people (surpised it worked), Flight over fight. Violence, but nothing close to getting killed, but I've been around some that had done that. Kind of made me uneasy, but they weren't at 'work', but that wasn't good judgement. I know people that have endured some vile things that are friends of mine. I snatched some people out of some bad places, but I don't do that anymore. I know how to do it, but I don't take chances anymore. I avoid voilent people now. Those words of the song sound so harsh, so I don't look at them. I don't think I need to. I guess the closest I came to that was my comment on the Milgram experiment - We do what we're told. I think that's important to know about. I wish the film were available. It would be important if it made people understand so they didn't obey, but I'm not sure that's at the same level. My best friend is African American. I've know him for 32 years. He's 6 seven years older than me so he was born in 1953 and lived in Boston. I know some of his family. His father owned a couple of bars in Boston and he worked in one for a while. His uncle owns a Dental Franchise - nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. Great people. They came up from the south. So you can see what I've heard about. I know a lot our history. My friend brought me on these ghetto tours when I was about 17, so that was enlightening. It feels real enough I think. I could go on, but I think that's enough. Being brutalized by power was the worst - and being persecuted was even worse. Having your life ruined a couple of times and doing the right thing, so you didn't hurt someone. It seemed obvious, but most people dont do it. People don't 'get over' that. Harsh and prolonged. What's the point of revenge? I thought about it - I knew I wouldn't do it, but that seems normal. Revenge or hurting someone innocent accomplishes nothing and can only make things worse. I was close to the end. People helped me a lot. It's not that special. I can cite a lot of analogies that made it easier. It changed me forever. Insomiac? Hmmm. Let's have a waking contest. I'll give you five to one odds and I'd win without a yawn. Get back at you for that "She Loves ya" wisecrack. That made me laugh. I was thinking of posting "Mercy St." the lyric and the Anne Sexton poem. That would have sounded like "She loves ya" compared to "This is the end". Glad you replied first. Why not just do the Carbon Monoxide and skip the words to "The end"? Why make it any worse?

Thanks. The Doors. They certainly were good at evoking a mood, weren't they. Their music certainly worked well with Apocolyps Now. The End - Not exactly uplifting, though is it. I get a lot of impressions, thoughts from all of these words in this thread, but I seem to miss the overall meaning of dreamy, mystical ones. If someone would explain them, I'll listen. There seem to be some references to things I don't know. I do have imagination, but somethings is eluding me. It wouldn't be the first time.

It's impossible to pick just 5 and I've surely missed a lot of great films. Here's five that will always be favoites. I listed ones that are all well known and/or considered classics. It's hard to go wrong with these, I think. Here's my five, in no particular order. 1. Gandhi 2. Midnight Cowboy 3. Apocalypse Now 4. Cassablanca 5. Chinatown

It makes perfect sense. I'm glad you like the Rite of Spring. Actually, I'll remind you that my education is mostly jazz based, so I don't claim to understand 20th century classical music too well, especially on that level. But that's not the point. Also, a lot of those words weren't mine, so I'm not that elequent. I often write some dreadful prose, actually. I think feeling is the most important part of music. I put in those descriptions because I don't like music criticism that judges any music that is sincere in positive or negative terms. There is a lot of music critisism that judges the 'quality' of music. I try not to do that. Having training causes musicians to hear things differently, but that's important only because it can help you create music. Those words I pasted in don't judge the music and I really thought they captured the intesity of The Rite well. "an earthquake of primal rhythms" - I love that. Also, having some education causes me to enjoy discussing the craft, because I write some music and everything I hear influences that to some degree, but that's not the point. I don't think having formal music education makes me appreciate any more than anyone else. It probably exposed me to more variety, but that's all. I think what you said is the most important part - it's what you feel and that can be different each time you listen to it. You can definitely feel "The Rite of Spring", right? I think I'll put it on now.

Oh, I'm definitely interested in EARM (Enlightened Absolutism Resistant Movement) It sounds too good to be true. I also use Apple - A Intel 64 duo core model which screams along at 2.34 Ghz. There's all kinds of other cool stuff plugged into it and most draw phantom power from the Mac, if that helps. I said that because my education cause the 'Movement' to question my enlightenment, despite the fact that I AM here now, as my signature says. You may need to put in a good word for me, despite all the bi-directional digital communications protocols that connect my Apple to an astonishing array of musical devices with other slick jargonny names. I spent 2 years at a State university and transfered to Berklee (a music school), but I did graduate. And charliebanacos.com was like graduate school. I'm assuming the movement has a large number of members who went to pricey small liberal arts colleges and then got fellowships before developing theories in 'think tanks' - Those types tend to regard my lack of 'formal indoctrination' with suspicion. Good to see that someone appreciates irony. I may not be posh, but I'm extremely refined and subtle - I assure you. I say that out of habit. These qualities often go unnoticed, so I make it a point to frequently remind others of them, lest they forget and accidentally insult my intelligence or offend my sensibilities with their pretensious attitudes.

Books? Cool. I used to read lots of them. Lately, I read mostly online help, tech books and snippets on various topics on the web. And that is definitely unbalanced. I soon plan to re-read Fyordor Doystoyevsky's short story White Nights. I remember really loving that that one when I read it about 10 years ago, but I forgot what it was about. I don't know whether the online university the short review in the link comes from is 'posh', or much else about it. But I liked the review, and the story definitely soundes appealing to me. I ordered a collection with "White Nights", Notes from the Underground (which I am definetely SKIPPING) and "A Gentle Creature". I don't know the last one. The title sounds ok. Anyone read that one? I read 'notes' when I was about 15 years old and found it incredibly depressing, so I don't need that. I've been a bit heavy on non-fiction in general, so I'll start with "White Nights" soon.

Do you speak Russian, kamarad Fyordor? No, I'm as bad as most of us here. I speak only a subset of the American language.

Ok. Hey, I'm going to trying something new and sleep. I had fun - thanks for the laughs and interesting topics. Sometimes people take me too seriously. I don't. Thanks for not doing that. I hope some of you have a good dream. I just don't remember mine mostly. I get lost in some good memories at times, so that will do for now. Good Night All, -Frank

Ok. I'm gonna go with the CIA. I'm tired of the DHS - all their jokes are old. By the way, how is the French Foreign Legion doing in Japan lately? I work for my cousin now and do some other stuff, but it's off and on, so could you get a job at one of those agencies you never worked at. I could use a change of scenery. I can type fast, if you need that. And with a good editor, I could crank out acceptable propaganda. You pick which one suits me or not. Thanks Comrade.

Good guess on the Irish part. Actually, I'm UK on my mothers side. Russian, Georgian of my fathers side. I'm guessing it was Patrovsky and some INS lackey said "patrovsky? What kind of name is that for an American. From now on your Patrick. Got it? I don't feel very Irish - the thought of alcohol makes me ill. Oh, about the 'classified' information. I have submitted a FOIA request before typing this message. It's routine - I'm sure you get them all the time. Regards, Fyordor

Thank you. i like being complimented on my typing. I don't know exactly how fast. Keep this in mind. I've written software since 1984, so I am a fairly good typist because I've typed a lot. Also, these machines condition people to experience a lot of text as unusual. I've written code for this stuff and done usuability tests, so I do know that. I'm actually typing fairly slowly. It relaxes me to indulge in forums when I need a break from things or am indecisive. And I clarify ideas and type the same things a lot. If you have any new material, I could use some. lol. Some people draw strange inferences about my mood or what I'm thinking from typed text. This perplexes me, but it happens sometimes. Thank you for not doing that. I do try to retain some literacy because it's so easy to rely on spell checkers, etc.. and I try to be careful about that. They can be insidious in that way. Regards, -Frank

Ambien, eh. Thanks for sharing that. Sounds like an alternative to a benzodiazapine. They both can cause memory loss. I've never lost memory from anything. My memory seems to get better with age. I think I'd need to be hit with a sledgehammer to lose memory. Sounds fairly mild. I hope it works for you. Good Night and Good Luck -fp

Ok, I just read the whole topic and it doesn't relate to what I mentioned it seems. Any comments are still welcome of course. I will say that I couldn't relate to the lyrics, but I'm always curious. I'll give you a lyric from someone that I can relate to in certain ways. His comment on the song was that it isn't romantic at all (as it was sometimes mistaken for) I'll take the advice of the song, so this may not mean much unless you know somethings about him. My cousin recently catered a private party for Mr. Sting a couple months ago and he was playing a lot of jazz stuff. I keep being left out of the fun lately. We both are repressing some things right now, but that's nothing special. The song is about needing to repress emotion to retain one's sanity. It's not about talking, it's unconcious. Someone said I didn't mince words - I usually don't, It's not in my nature, but web posts are public knowledge, so I will now. See if this means anything. It's well written if nothing else, I think. He's clever at bluring some of the symbolic words, if that helps. Sting - Be Still My Beating Heart Be still my beating heart It would be better to be cool It's not time to be open just yet A lesson once learned is so hard to forget Be still my beating heart Or I'll be taken for a fool It's not healthy to run at this pace The blood runs so red to my face I've been to every single book I know To soothe the thoughts that plague me so I sink like a stone that's been thrown in the ocean My logic has drowned in a sea of emotion Stop before you start Be still my beating heart Be still my beating heart Be still my beating heart Restore my broken dreams Shattered like a falling glass I'm not ready to be broken just yet A lesson once learned is so hard to forget Be still my beating heart You must learn to stand your ground It's not healthy to run at this pace The blood runs so red to my face I've been to every single book I know To soothe the thoughts that plague me so Stop before you start Be still my beating heart Be still my beating heart Be still my beating heart Never to be wrong Never to make promises that break It's like singing in the wind Or writing on the surface of a lake And I wriggle like a fish caught on dry land And I struggle to avoid any help at hand I sink like a stone that's been thrown in the ocean My logic has drowned in a sea of emotion Stop before you start Be still my beating heart Be still my beating heart Be still my beating heart