TheLizard Posted October 27, 2007 Report Share Posted October 27, 2007 This was pretty much stream of consciousness. I can't tell if it's a complete mess or the best thing I've ever written. A walking contradiction, loved and despised By elders who tell us how life used to be We don’t appreciate all they once prized Shut up and they’ll tell us how to see: Don’t worry yourself with our problems You just stay wired and disconnected These issues are bigger than you, we’ll solve them You’re young, you’re calm, you’re collected Just sleep while we don’t learn from our mistakes Just blindly salute a flag Just accept that this country was and is great Just don’t trust a man wearing a rag The world was here before we came It will be here when we’re gone Although it may be walking lame We’ll be dead, and you’ll be left alone No. Our future is in the hands of incompetents No. We can’t wait for each generation to bring repentance No. Gone is the flower child Gone is the punk, the wild Here is the reckoning Here is the final fling We have to take it back Let freedom ring? Who will we be remembered as? Or will we be the last around to remember? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucky Posted October 27, 2007 Report Share Posted October 27, 2007 Tim, I know absolutely nothing about technically good writing. However, I read voraciously, and I know what I like. I post in response in this forum only when something really strikes me, and makes me feel. I really like this. Possibly S2V, or someone else with more knowledge than I could give you great critical feedback. All I can say is I think understand these feelings, and you have expressed them wonderfully. This part I absolutely love... " Gone is the flower child Gone is the punk, the wild Here is the reckoning Here is the final fling We have to take it back Let freedom ring? Who will we be remembered as? Or will we be the last around to remember? " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheLizard Posted October 27, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2007 Thanks Lucky! Someone likes it, that's good enough for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skybluesky Posted October 27, 2007 Report Share Posted October 27, 2007 I never comment on other's writing, but I like this poem and I like the oppostion of phrase You just stay wired and disconnected Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steel2Velvet Posted October 27, 2007 Report Share Posted October 27, 2007 I feel it rich in heart-felt emotion and a great challenging theme, Tim. My one concern is that when multiple pronouns are used ("We" and "You"; "Them" and "Us") in a comparative or responsive manner, it is important that the author leave no question to the reader who is being addressed by whom and which side is making which statement. As author, Tim, you know who when the "You" is establishment or teens and the "We" is establishment and when it's teens, but the reader must follow their representative pronouns like a ball during a tennis match. Perhaps you could replace some of those pronouns with synonyms, or creatively come up with terminology to "flesh out" the two groups, or use quotation marks to denote one group is speaking to the other. The basic fabric is rich, however. Just needs a bit more stitching. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheLizard Posted October 27, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2007 Thanks, S2V. And you're absolutely right, as soon as I get the chance, I'll try to clean up some of that pronoun confusion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawna Posted October 28, 2007 Report Share Posted October 28, 2007 Tim... well done. I admit I had to read the first part twice, because I got a little discombobulated (I see S2V addressed that part already), but I really, really liked it once it sank in. The part that gives me pause is the line, "Who will we be remembered as?"... doesn't seem to flow like the rest, and hanging the "as" is, what.. a dangling participle or something. It's a little herky to read. Can that be rearranged so the last word is "remembered"? "As whom will we be remembered," perhaps? Overall, excellent IMHO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayzor Posted October 28, 2007 Report Share Posted October 28, 2007 I like it For reasons everyone else has already patted you on the back about... As far as anything else goes: I'm an idiot so I don't know anything about poetry, but I do agree with S2V cuz I got lost for a moment while reading. Nothing a re-read didn't fix tho! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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