Blue Fish Posted October 20, 2007 Report Share Posted October 20, 2007 Your so big and firm to touch Your juices trickle down my chin I lick the moisture from your skin So juicy and moist to taste My fingers are sticky from your juice My lips are wet with sweet water I suck the water from my fingers So wet and hard to touch The crunching as I bite your skin The soft scrape of teeth on flesh As I sink myself into your flesh So soft and quite to hear The water runs down your skin The juices bleed slowly out As I slowly run my fingers around So round and bright to see The smell of spring on your flesh The sweet sticky smell of your juice As I bring you up for a bite So sweet and sticky to smell. Still toying with the idea here, just need some comments on if it works or not? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted October 20, 2007 Report Share Posted October 20, 2007 Well Bloof, I'm glad you mentioned the title....coz my mind is always in the gutter... You described eating the apple very well, I liked the way you used all of the senses....good job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Levis Posted October 21, 2007 Report Share Posted October 21, 2007 ewwwwww apples! well they're not ALL that ew, but I could do without them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Earth-Angel Posted October 21, 2007 Report Share Posted October 21, 2007 Very suggestive. A very good twist in it being something completely innocent You have a good writing style, and your use of very descriptive continuous lines really paints a vivid image. Good work, I like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted October 25, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 25, 2007 Laurie the title was an after thought for me too! Thanks for the comments guys, I wasn't sure if it would work better as rhyme though... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MuzikTyme Posted October 28, 2007 Report Share Posted October 28, 2007 Wow, Bluefish! I never realized how fond you were of apples. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayzor Posted October 28, 2007 Report Share Posted October 28, 2007 Bloof! I like it! Of course I had to remind myself of the title after each line... and a cold shower after each verse You're awesome at describing physical senses! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted November 2, 2007 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2007 ha ha thanks I think! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blind-fitter Posted November 2, 2007 Report Share Posted November 2, 2007 Your so big and firm to touch I'd be more impressed if the very first word were not grammatically incorrect. The same error as you repeatedly made in "Lemon Love": don't you pay any attention to our comments? The smell of spring on your flesh The sweet sticky smell of your juice As I bring you up for a bite So sweet and sticky to smell. Still toying with the idea here, just need some comments on if it works or not? Secondly: the erotic possibilities of fruit-eating is hardly a novelty and, contrary to what others have indicated, the use of obvious words such as big, firm, juicy, moist, lick, sticky, lips, suck, wet, hard, juices, smell, etc. is only briefly amusing. The word "sticky" occurs three times, "juicy/juices" four times, and "smell" you manage to fit in three times into one four-line verse! I'd throw it away; I think you can do alot better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Ry 71 Posted November 3, 2007 Report Share Posted November 3, 2007 You know, b-f does bring up a good point: who smells apples when one eats them? It doesn't make sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Earth-Angel Posted November 3, 2007 Report Share Posted November 3, 2007 The crunching as I bite your skin The soft scrape of teeth on flesh As I sink myself into your flesh So soft and quite to hear Even though flesh is repeated here and quiet is misspelt, this is what eating an apple is about. I really like it. The second line is incredibly saucy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted February 4, 2008 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2008 Okay, not one of my best poems to be sure, but then again I haven't written about eating an apple before...I don't think it's all that bad though. You should know by now that I can't spell!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blind-fitter Posted February 4, 2008 Report Share Posted February 4, 2008 Nice to see you back, Bloof. Got any new works for us to appraise? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted February 4, 2008 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2008 Yes but there at home and I'm at my boyfriends house right now..I'll add them soon though! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweet Jane 61 Posted February 4, 2008 Report Share Posted February 4, 2008 bloof....you're back!! Totally cool! Look forward to more poems. I'm keeping mine to myself, but I look forward to yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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