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babyteen

United States: Song Of a Proud Nation

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Here's a song that I've written, which will be included in a screenplay that I'm writing. The screenplay is entitled "Sweet States", and the song is simply entitled, "United States".

Yes we are, United States, United we stand.

Freedom rings from every side, and we shall hold hands.

We've become one nation, that love can't divide.

United, together, we stand side by side!

This is Pennsylvania, our mighty nation's home.

Everywhere there's freedom, wherever you roam.

From the Streets of Allentown, to Pittsburgh's hillsides.

Philadelphia's The City, of Brotherly Love!

Yes we are, United States, United we stand.

Let us join in harmony, from air, sea, and land.

We've become one nation, that love can't divide.

United, Together, we stand side by side.

A country, of freedom, a Nation of Pride!

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I'm not commenting on the rest of the poem now, but isn't love supposed to unite things rather than divide? :crazy:

I think you misread that particular line. I wrote, "We've become one nation, that love can't divide." In other words, love is the one thing that will help our nation stay together as one.

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"We've become one nation, that love can't divide."

I have read this poem a few times and I am seeing the same thing as Seeker. I am feeling you are saying that love can divide our nation, I understand what you are going for, that our nation can't be divided due to love...maybe try to phrase it somewhat different. Just my thoughts.

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"We've become one nation, that love can't divide."

I have read this poem a few times and I am seeing the same thing as Seeker. I am feeling you are saying that love can divide our nation, I understand what you are going for, that our nation can't be divided due to love...maybe try to phrase it somewhat different. Just my thoughts.

Maybe the two of you are just taking that line into the oposite context. Since the line that follows reads, "United, together, we stand side by side." What that means is, love makes the nation stay united, together. Love can't come between fifty states that have come together to form one nation. Are you telling me I should've written something like, "We've become one nation, that love won't divide. United, together, we stand side by side."?

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No, 'won't' doesn't make any difference... and you said it again: "Love can't come between fifty states that have come together to form one nation". That also sounds like love is trying to break things here.

I wanted to make a rhyme, so I don't see why it doesn't make any sense. "Love can't divide" simply rhymes with the line, "We stand side by side".

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Well yeah, but something doesn't necessarily have meaning just because it rhymes. :P I just don't see love uniting anything in that line, but if you just wanted a rhyme anyway...

Edited by Guest

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Yeah Jenny, I guess you're right. Maybe I should've written it that way. After all, we've become one nation, that hate can't divide. If hate ever divided our United States, we'd just be a nation scattered in the winds. By the way, you're hearing this and the poem from me, the girl who loves Philadelphia!

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The line definitely suggests something like "love will never be able to spoil this great thing we've got going on here". I can't see how it could be read any other way.

I always think that if a line comes out meaning exactly the opposite of what you intended, it's probably worth changing it.

If you've put a trite, pointless line (which means the opposite of what you intended) just so as to achieve a rhyme, I think you should reconsider your priorities: whilst "rhyming" may be a common feature in poetry , it is certainly not the most important. The struggle to achieve precision in rhyming leads inevitably into cliche and can act as an obstacle to naturalistic poetic expression. i.e. phrasing becomes stilted to accommodate rhyme, to the detriment of the impressions/ideas the writer is hoping to convey, (which appear to be treated as secondary concerns), when surely it ought to be the other way round?

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The line definitely suggests something like "love will never be able to spoil this great thing we've got going on here". I can't see how it could be read any other way.

I always think that if a line comes out meaning exactly the opposite of what you intended, it's probably worth changing it.

If you've put a trite, pointless line (which means the opposite of what you intended) just so as to achieve a rhyme, I think you should reconsider your priorities: whilst "rhyming" may be a common feature in poetry , it is certainly not the most important. The struggle to achieve precision in rhyming leads inevitably into cliche and can act as an obstacle to naturalistic poetic expression. i.e. phrasing becomes stilted to accommodate rhyme, to the detriment of the impressions/ideas the writer is hoping to convey, (which appear to be treated as secondary concerns), when surely it ought to be the other way round?

You've got it right. So, in other words, love has united us, and there's no way in the world that love can divide a country of freedom, and a nation of pride! The second verse describes how the state of Pennsylvania is our mighty nation's home. After all, the Declaration of Independence was signed there. I could be wrong, but wasn't Philadelphia where the Constitution was established? Or was that Washington, DC? Also, Philadelphia's where the Bell Of Independence, also known as the Liberty Bell, rang out for the first time and filled the countryside! Pennsylvania made the United States the Country of Freedom, and the Nation Of Pride! I wonder, do you think this song I wrote about the United States could possibly become the new National Anthem, since it's melody is practically easier to sing than that of "The Star-Spangled Banner"?

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Well, I'm not really into "cheesy, flag-waving patriotism" in a big way ( ;) ) , especially when it's so unconditionally uncritical. However, I didn't think it appropriate to criticise the actual subject matter of your piece, which is really none of my business. I was merely offering my thoughts from the "Creative Writing" perspective: constructive criticism offered in a civil, sensitive manner. :)

If we were to discuss the subject matter itself, why that might be a different matter entirely. :shades:

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Well, I'm not really into "cheesy, flag-waving patriotism" in a big way ( ;) ) , especially when it's so unconditionally uncritical. However, I didn't think it appropriate to criticise the actual subject matter of your piece, which is really none of my business. I was merely offering my thoughts from the "Creative Writing" perspective: constructive criticism offered in a civil, sensitive manner. :)

If we were to discuss the subject matter itself, why that might be a different matter entirely. :shades:

Can you please explain what you mean?

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Well, how can I put it without sounding churlish?

It's one thing offering a comment by way of constructive criticism, with regard to how your piece could be improved as a piece of poetry/creative writing, but quite another to offer opinion on the actual subject matter of your piece. I'm not a fan of patriotism/jingoism, uncritical adherence to the flag (anyone's flag), "land of the free, home of the brave" stuff, etc. Find it all pretty nauseating to be honest. But I know that some of you (Americans) take all that stuff bewilderingly seriously, so out of respect I would tend to avoid out-and-out ridicule, regardless of how appalled I might be.

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Well, how can I put it without sounding churlish?

It's one thing offering a comment by way of constructive criticism, with regard to how your piece could be improved as a piece of poetry/creative writing, but quite another to offer opinion on the actual subject matter of your piece. I'm not a fan of patriotism/jingoism, uncritical adherence to the flag (anyone's flag), "land of the free, home of the brave" stuff, etc. Find it all pretty nauseating to be honest. But I know that some of you (Americans) take all that stuff bewilderingly seriously, so out of respect I would tend to avoid out-and-out ridicule, regardless of how appalled I might be.

Churlish? what's that mean? And by the way, this is more than just a poem. It's actually a song that I've written. And, do you think this song will work as a National Anthem for the United States? Since, like I said, its melody is definitely easier to sing than that of "The Star-Spangled Banner".

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Churlish = mean, uncivil, ill-natured, harsh. Churlishness is an unbecoming trait to which I am occasionally prone, but which I am trying to suppress/eliminate. You seem a very positive and idealistic person,so it ill-behoves me to be churlish in your direction.

By way of further constructive advice: how about replacing the rogue line ("that love can't divide") with "with love as our guide"? It works: it rhymes precisely and maintains the pattern of repeated cliche and cheesy, idealistic platitude.

Why are you so keen for me to clarify my position regarding the subject matter of your song? Have I really not been clear enough? I thought I had.

That you wonder aloud whether your song might one day replace the National Anthem suggests to me the possibility that you are, in fact, an arch-satirist and that your song is actually a clever pastiche of the unsavoury spectacle of gaudy American patriotism. If that is the case, consider it a reasonable success. :thumbsup:

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IMO, the word "can't" suggests that something is trying. So by saying "that love can't divide," what I'm interpreting is that love is trying to divide - but failing. It's a negative implication. I like b-f's suggestion.

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