Blue Fish Posted September 13, 2007 Report Share Posted September 13, 2007 Hello there trusted stranger, with all your trusted lies Forgotten hope and shattered dreams trickle from my eyes I need your knowing comfort there to help me through the day To let me know your always there, no matter what they say. I harbour you in secret, I feel I know you well I turn to you to make it right, when heaven turns to hell. You have a cold grip on my heart and whispers for my pain Telling me that love and dreams may all be in vain. Your troubles come from being fat your forgotten and alone Your friends are with the skinny ones, says your sugared tone Think how many calories, your destined to get fat You'll never get lovers of friends, if you look like that. My heart is caught up in your web, like a dragonfly To weak and helpless now to fly from your accusing eye Do your desires really lie in leaving me right here? Only I can guaranty fatness is no fear. Our relationships so comforting, so steady and so deep Yet I find you unjustly harsh, you often make me weep I see the confusion in friends eyes as I explain your ways They just can not understand, the complexity of our days. It would be cruel and unfair to ask them for their time It's not their problem after all but mine to deal with, mine I want a life that’s free from all the guilt of food Candlelit dinners after all are how some woman are wooed. any thoughts? Comments? Anything that can be improved? All would be handy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayzor Posted September 13, 2007 Report Share Posted September 13, 2007 Bulemia is spelled wrong, otherwise I think it's alright Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweet Jane 61 Posted September 14, 2007 Report Share Posted September 14, 2007 Bloof, I like it. It speaks volumes of truth and I feel your words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted September 14, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2007 Opps, thanks Razor! Sweet Jane as always your comments are loved by me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted September 14, 2007 Report Share Posted September 14, 2007 The first two verses are the best for me. They really do say a lot about what a grip on your life something like that can have. If you do have bulemia, I do hope you get help. It breaks my heart when I hear about young women doing that kind of thing to themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted September 15, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 15, 2007 Thank you Jenny, I agree actully. The verse I'm struggling with is the last one. I'm not sure, something about it seems wrong some how.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Earth-Angel Posted September 17, 2007 Report Share Posted September 17, 2007 Candlelit dinners after all are how some woman are wooed. This is the line that seems really misshapen. It does not fit with the rest of the piece at all, a bit "lumpy"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted September 17, 2007 Report Share Posted September 17, 2007 I was thinking the same thing EA...The poem does flow along nicely untill then.....I see the point being made though with that line, maybe if it was re-worded?.... maybe like this? Candlelit dinners, after all, are how we are wooed. or Afterall, candlelit dinners are how woman are wooed. Where's S2V?...he could tell ya... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted September 18, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 18, 2007 hummm, yeah that was the line I was unsure of too.... I can see both those lines working instead Or maybe : 'cause candlelit dinners really set a mood? I don't know, it hurts my brain!! I need to ask S2V if he drops in here... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Levis Posted September 18, 2007 Report Share Posted September 18, 2007 I recommend dropping the 'after all' ... it gives the poem a bit of a childish quality. Like the line was forced to rhyme. The words chosen, the length extended etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted September 18, 2007 Report Share Posted September 18, 2007 Good point Levis! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steel2Velvet Posted September 18, 2007 Report Share Posted September 18, 2007 OK, Bloof, here are my thoughts. First, you must separate a critique from criticism. I offer the former, out of respect to what you have written. Take it in the manner it is offered. I think you can be a very effective writer. I think your youth considered, you are on your way to great things, if writing is truly your heart's desire. That said, I will dissect a few lines. There is a lot here and quite a bit flows lyrically. But because there is a lot, there were many opportunities for you to stumble. When writing a poem remember three things: Meter, Matter and Mutter. The prime thing to remember in lyrical poetry is Meter. It doesn't have to be "sing-songy" or like a nursery rhyme; but when a reader gets into a cadence with your rhymes, it is quite disconcerting to interrupt that cadence and ask them to change gears all the time. It helps to count out your rythmn patterns in your most essential stanza - be it the opening, contrasting or the denouement - and attempt to stay true to that rythmn throughout. Build the poem's rythmn around the best stanza, so to speak. Count out the beats and try to stay true to them. This is one of the hallmarks of conscientiously deliberate lyrical poetry. Think of nouns as the skeleton of your poem, the verbs are the muscles, adjectives and adverbs are the flesh and hair. Together they form the appearance. If you want the appearance to be cliched for effect (like Robert palmer's "back-up band"), use cliches that all look alike. If you want your poem to appear distinct and original .. well, you get the idea. Every word is the opportunity to shape the appearance of your poem. Wherever possible, make each word Matter. One of the biggest turn-offs to a reader of any form of writing is inconsistent pronouns e.g. referring to a reader as "you," a subject in the story as "you" and also an object of the subject's conversation as "you" all in the same piece, without clear distinction. Other turn-offs are poor grammar, puncuation and spelling. I have heard more than one youthful author explain that they can't be held accountable for those three items, because what they are saying is more important than how perfectly they say it. Which is another way of formulating this sentence, "If I am not ignorant, I am certainly lazy." Proof, proof, and then proofread your work again. Before hitting "add post" I will read this at least three times and still will have some mistakes, but I care. Your poems are your children, dress them sloppy or dress them clean. If a reader cannot clearly understand what it is you are saying, they will start to Mutter to themselves and could lose interest in what you are writing about. Hello there trusted stranger, with all your trusted lies I love the sound of "trusted lies" that is so great, but you put a third ear where the eye should go by also using "trusted" to describe stranger. You had a chance to describe bulemia in more depth there. Forgotten hope and shattered dreams trickle from my eyes how about "melting dreams" or something liquid? Shattered cannot trickle and is so overused to describe dreams I need your knowing comfort there to help me through the day To let me know your should be you're always there, no matter what they say. I harbour you in secret, I feel I know you well I turn to you to make it right, when heaven turns to hell. Great line! You have a cold grip on my heart and whispers for my pain Try "You have a grip upon my heart and whispers for my pain" flows better Telling me that love and dreams may all be in vain. needs one more beat to that line between "be" and "in" This next stanza I show quotation marks that help claritfy your intent: "Your troubles come from being fat, forgotten and alone I dropped an uneeded word there for better flow with the meter Your friends are with the skinny ones," says your sugared tone find a descriptive replacement for "says," like "pries" or some word indicating a deeper call to you "Think how many calories, your destined to get fat You'll never get lovers of friends, if you look like that." "your" should be you're try " ... lovers or friends .." I could go on, but maybe you would rather I not. I know how personal poems are and how it is thin ice to make changes on another's work. If you want me to go on, I will. Just let me know. But at least I have given you some things to ponder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted September 19, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 19, 2007 S2V thats brill! Thank you! Food for thought there... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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