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Parenting Advice


blind-fitter

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I don't think any such thread already exists.

Being a parent is such a steep and seemingly endless learning curve. 10 years and three children in, I frequently feel ill-equipped to the task. Given the wealth of experience that must exist between us, I thought a "Parental Advice" column might be a helpful way of sharing our collective insight and wisdom, resolving problems, etc.

I'll start.

Last evening, one of my children really put me on the spot by suggesting, in front of the whole family, that I have a favourite child, who receives preferential treatment. I wasn't at all sure how to respond- what an awkward one!- became tongue-tied, and probably fluffed my answer. How do I convey to my little cherub that, in truth, I resent them all equally?

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I think the most likely reason your child said that is that he/she needs some extra attention and cannot or does not want to say something explicitly. By putting you on the spot, he/she is "asking" you to confirm that, in fact, he/she is special and loved.

I grew up with two siblings and although we all got lots of attention and support, sometimes I felt like the odd duck and that my brother, being the "baby", got a lot more attention.

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I was the oldest and the only girl, and my brother the baby. He thought I was favored since I was the girl, but I feel he was, since I was the one who sent the tone for rules and such. He had a phone and TV in his room, I did not, he was allowed to have a car at 16, I was not. Does that mean he was the favorite, no I don't believe so, I think my parents just got tired of the arguments of she got this and was able to do this and the compromised with other things. He did have an earlier curfew than me and less allowence! :grin:

I only have one child, but I don't see how a parent could have a favorite. You love them with all you have and each one is their own person. Now if one child tends to get into more trouble and punished more, that doesn't mean you love them less, just means they are a stinker! :)

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I seem to remember asking my parents this question when I was a tot. I am 4 of 4. Anyway, I remember some sort of feeble answer like, "We love you all equally." That seemed to work for me, and I never bothered with the question again. It was not until after my mom was dying that I found out (by my mom telling my wife) that she enjoyed me the most. I think that was only because there was 7 years difference between me and the next one and she had more time to spend with me.

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Mother of 4 here. More than once while my children were growing up I heard the old "you love him more than me" song. Responding that I loved them equally never seemed good enough, and while true, it's also true that I loved each one differently . I finally began explaining that. I thought about the things in each that made them unique, and when hit with that same old song, I'd tell them that yes, I love you all equally, but this is why you are particularly special to me. Each child has something about them that makes them stand out, and they like to hear that.

In other words they all knew they were loved equally, but each felt that they had a special place in my heart for one reason or another.

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Of course! ;)

You know, while there are no favorites, I also believe that it is possible to develop a special bond with a particular child, for one reason or another. My children are grown, and honestly there is one child that I have such a bond with. It didn't exsist when they were children, it's something that grew over time, and I only notice it now that they are grown. It has nothing to do with loving him more, we just (because of circumstances), much like you and your mother Marc, spent a lot of time together, and have similar personalities. That may not be a popular view, but it's true.

Would I ever tell that to any of them? Good Lord no! ;)

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i'm with lucky :)

letting each one know there is something special about them, something that makes you love them uniquely and something that sets them apart from the others - that reinforces their differences are not bad things, and that you love them all for different reasons, but that you love them all the same.

i was an only child, so luckily, i never had to worry about these things :)

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I was the oldest of 4, 3 boys, 1 girl. If any one of us asked our mother this question she would use the "I love you all the same" and it settled us for a while. My father, however, would say something like Sammy suggested earlier, only he would be sure we all heard it at the same time. He'd yell "I love your sister best!" and the next time someone asked he'd say "I love your baby brother best!"

He never gave the same answer, but we understood just the same: he loved us all and he wanted us out of the way of the TV so he could watch sports :grin:

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