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The Tale of the Tape


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The Tale of the Tape ? The Undercard

(?Sirius? by The Alan Parsons Project plays in the background)

In the blue states for the Democrats, he?s a trial lawyer from the Deep South, known for creating wealth through contingency fees. A relative newcomer to politics, he brings youth and vitality to a ticket headlined by a Jay Leno look alike.

Joooohn pretty boy Edwaaaards

In the red states for the Republicans, he?s a Washington insider said to have been present at the historic first drawing of the Laffer Curve on the back of a napkin. He brings an IQ over 100 to a ticket best known for the non-word ?Strategery?.

[bleep] pacemakeeeerr Cheney

Favorite quotes (Edwards)

?His hair was perfect? Warren Zevon

?If it doesn?t fit, you must acquit? Johnny Cochran

?Down with Mega-lo-Mart? Hank Hill

Favorite quotes (Cheney)

?I love the smell of napalm in the morning? Robert Duval

?I read your book you magnificent bastard? George Patton

?His name is Jaws; he kills people? James Bond

Corporate Sponsor (Edwards)

Vidal Sassoon ? ?If you don?t look good we don?t look good?

Corporate Sponsor (Cheney)

Eveready Energizer ? ?It keeps going and going?

Union Support (Edwards)

UHA ? United Hairdressers of America

Union Support (Cheney)

CVSA ? Cardiovascular Surgeons Alliance

Who would play him in a movie (Edwards)

Tom Cruise

Who would play him in a movie (Cheney)

Gene Hackman

Favorite hobby (Edwards)

Chasing ambulances with his dog

Favorite hobby (Cheney)

Shooting birds with assault rifles when he catches them leaving droppings on his car

Secretly afraid of (Edwards)

Tort reform

Secretly afraid of (Cheney)

Microwave ovens

Thing he would most like to accomplish if elected (Edwards)

A class-action lawsuit against Fox News

Thing he would most like to accomplish if elected (Cheney)

Dropping a bunker buster bomb on CNN

Hygiene tip (Edwards)

Wash, rinse, repeat

Hygiene tip (Cheney)

Using a sandblaster to remove unwanted tarter build-up

Favorite movie (Edwards)

?The Rainmaker? with Matt Damon and Danny DeVito

Favorite movie (Cheney)

?Dr. Strangelove? with Slim Pickens and George C. Scott

Who killed Nicole Simpson? (Edwards)

The racist LA police department

Who killed Nicole Simpson? (Cheney)

The ?Dream Team? lawyers for a career bump

Who framed Roger Rabbit? (Edwards)

The vast right-wing conspiracy

Who framed Roger Rabbit? (Cheney)

I did. You got something to say about it?

On paper, this bout looks to be more exciting than the main event.

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Cindy, I think this is hilarious. I started to do an "Ebert and Peaches give this a two thumbs up" post when I first read it, but for some reason this Creative Writing area confuses me. I didn't know if we were supposed to comment or just let the words speak for themselves. But piss on it, I don't want you to feel left out. I like it...for whatever that's worth! ::

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Oh go ahead and make your post ramble on as stupidly as you would any other forum, look at a few of the other posts and you'll see that me and Gillian tend to get really bored and talk about pure crap for pages and pages and pages, but on the plus side it can be pretty funny! ::

So go ahead and post as you feel.

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When we start a new forum, we rarely know how you guys will respond to it. I imagined "Creative Writing" as place where we could offer eloquent commentary on music, entertainment, just about anything. It's not easy to get published, so we decided to offer an outlet.

There are a lot of excellent writers on these boards, and they write in many different styles. Be it a poem, a song, a short essay or a screenplay, as long as it's creative and some thought went into it, it belongs.

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  • 1 month later...

This is pretty funny. It would make a good chain email. And excuse me for straying from the subject, but am I the only one who thinks Edwards looks like John Ritter?

yes, he does, and cheney looks a lot like that guy from mr. holland's opus, richard dreyfuss

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