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The Jokes Thread - Relaunched


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Let's Say I break into your house!!

Recently, large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that parliament is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that Canada/ America might actually want to protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, make it harder (as an illegal immigrant) to stay indefinitely.

Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests. Let's say I break into your house. Then, when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, 'I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and done the laundry and swept the floors; I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).

According to the protesters, not only must you let me stay, you must add me to your family's insurance plan, educate my kids, and provide other benefits to me and to my family (my husband will do your yard work) because he too is hard-working and honest, except for that breaking-in part.

If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my illegal right to be there.

It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm hard-working and honest, um, except for well, you know. And what a deal it is for me!!

I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being an anti-housebreaker. Oh yeah, and I want you to learn my language so you can communicate with me! English is too hard for me to learn. You should also allow me to vote - in my own language, since I live in your house!

-The sentiments of 70 + year old Canadian relatives , sent to me ; you be the judge .

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Indeed complicated -or is it ?! However , from my own perspective , having lived in Japan for going on 16 years now , and where no stone is left unturned in terms of registration and you'll be deported at the drop of a hat if caught , regardless of your tearfull story , I agree with that . This is the extreme , perhaps .

There are a number of illegals living and operating here , mostly Iranian, Phillipino(a ) or Chinese , and when they are caught up ( very slowly , mind you ) - they get the boot . While Illegal they can't apply officially for health care nor driver's licenses nor any other programs , though one can sometimes trick the system . I've had to play by these strict rules , and while annoying , they ARE the rules presently so should be obeyed or I should go elsewhere .

I really don't seee the flaw in the logic . It isn't always compassionate , but it well known and understood by all - flaunt it at your own peril .

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I thought all Americans (bar the indigenous lot not culled by the whities) were effectively illegal immigrants anyhow... lol

As were the Normans , Saxons , Vikings and Romans but what are you going to do with them or their decendents ? Case law , people , case law . The Indians didn't have a written language so couldn't properly make contracts .

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Certainly not Herald ! Traitors all ! BS on your Roman point - funny though ! :) As far as invitations go , a number of tribes were fully for immigration and trade in iron goods and the like . One generally hears of the stand outs and assumes all felt the same way .

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I think it is still law in certain upland farming communities for the mother of the bride to 'have' the groom on the wedding night...

Why do folk always knock the French? Is it because of Vichy - if so, the Catholic Church should be damned also... You must remember that in WWII they were poorly lead, despite having the best tank and fighter in 1940. They just didn't have the tactics, thats all. Oh, spending billions on the Maginot Line when the pesky Krauts simply went around it didn't help either...

We stood up to Hitler because we had the Channel, purely and simply. Plus I suppose Adolf was more interested in Russia which lead to his eventual demise in a manner more spectacular that the Western allies could ever contribute towards. That is in no way intended to diminish the role of Britain Canada, the US, India, Australia, South Africa.... its just that the Ruskies bled Germany dry... ehhh, its like being back at school!

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I think it's time to recognize the dichotomy between the time zones and the schizoid nature of SF to be recognized : when you cats in the States are in bed it's time for the Californians / die hards , Asians and Europeans to play - we are not like you , and don't appreciate being judged as such . Your rules , culture and conventions don't apply until the sun breaks - then you may rule again . Your night is ours . :cool:

( imagine this spoken by Christopher Lee )

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The Priest's Ass

A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there

was a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and

enter it in some races. However, at the local auction, the going

price for horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey

instead. Although he had some doubts, the priest figured that he

might as well enter the animal in a race just to see how it would

do. To his surprise the donkey came in second.

The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another

race, and this time it won.

The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered

the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get

rid of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby


The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose

of the donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast

to a local farmer for $10.


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^ I love that joke. :laughing:

I have heard this one a hundred times, but it never fails to crack me up...

A couple from Georgia and a couple from Connecticut were seated beside each other on an airplane.

The girl from Georgia, being a friendly southern girl, said to the other couple, "So, where y'all from?"

The Connecticut girl looked down her nose and said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Georgia sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where y'all from, b*tch?"

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This linguistics professor was lecturing the class.

"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

Immediately, a voice from the back of the room piped up: "Yeah..... right...."

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^ :laughing: good one Farin!

My Friend emailed me this one the other day, after I yawned during a Chapel Sermon. :crazy:

Ways To Survive Even The Dullest Of Sermons

* Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.

* See if a yawn really is contagious.

* Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the priest.

* Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.

* Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet. You may get stuck on 'Q' and 'X' though...

* Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.

* Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.

* Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.

* Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.

* Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.

* If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.

* Pretend to be 4 years old.

* Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.

* By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn you shirt inside out.

* Try to raise one eyebrow.

* Crack your knuckles.

* Think about your chin for an entire minute.

* Twiddle your thumbs.

* Twiddle your neighbors thumbs.

* Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.

* Practice smiling insincerely.

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